Having a Queen fest with youtube. Suddenly Somebody to Love popped into my head, and I just had to hear it again.
I find it painfully ironic that I didn't know who Queen was when Freddie died. In my defence I was 13 at the time. I distinctly remember hearing them announce it on MuchMusic.... Because I had no idea who Queen or Freddie Mercury was, or why it was such a big deal he was gay. I've never understood that particular prejudice.
It was only after Freddie's death, with all the media focus on Queen, that I 'discovered' them, and in turn found Rock N Roll.
Queen changed my life. I'm sure that sounds melodramatic, but it's true; I just can't imagine what my life would be like without them, without rock and roll.
I've always been a music lover, I get it from my mom. Before poetry, I had music. Such a powerful thing, to have someone speak to, speak for your heart and soul. Queen, did that for me, still does (as do many other men and women with guitars and attitude). They... they spoke to me, they soothed, they raged, they prayed, sorrowed, exalted with me.They made my passage from childhood to adult, fuller, easier, they helped make me the woman I am. And I don't think I've done too badly for myself. ;)
Also, while I'm being a sap, I gotta say, I cannot be happier to have the particular prayer of this ^^ song answered. Having somebody to love, I never thought I'd get it. All through my youth, it was my deepest wish, but the one I was most certain I would never have granted. Now, now my life is so much fuller of love, because I can see the love that's always been there in my family, and now my husband and his family. So much love spread around. But gods, I'm a lucky woman to have a man who loves me so very much!
Okay, no more sappy time. Time to knit! I've got lions to make! :D
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, March 30, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Not As Devoted A Daughter As I Thought?
Last night I had a nightmare, and it's left me wondering just how devoted I am to my mom. I love my mom. I'd give my life for hers. I'd walk through hell for her, and have, emotionally speaking. But would I go into glorious debt, really risk my life? According to my dream, maybe not.
I dreamt last night, that I went to China with some friends on a kind of retreat. And my mom surprised me by signing up and coming too. It was sweet and wonderful, and we had a mostly great week.
On the last day everything was rather chaotic. The ladies were getting manicures and pedicures in shifts (I opted out of the manicure). We were collecting and showing off the things we'd made. We were having having smoothies and light snacks - everyone was going to lunch/dinner together before leaving.
So in the hustle and bustle, I lost track of my mom. I wasn't worried initially. I was talking with one of the girls, and picking out the make-up (from the pile we'd tried the day before) that I wanted to keep - we all got the option to keep the ones we'd used ourselves.
But when I couldn't find her in any of the rooms or out in the garden, and no one had seen her for some time. I got anxious. I asked if it were possible she left on her own, but the organizers said no, that we were all getting in the van together to go to the airport, that if she'd said she wanted to leave, she'd have been told to wait. Only she never approached them. When I told them I couldn't find her, they got worried too. Everyone looked. No one found her.
This huge man, that I guess was security - I'd not actually noticed we'd HAD security until then, went next door to this bar, and laid down suppressing flames before entering. He went in rattled the patrons and came back out saying a crew of gangsters were seen taking her.
There were two options: (1) the gang took her to escalate a turf war that was at a truce between the people(gang?) that were our security, and their gang, in which case she was probably dead, and hanging from the rafters somewhere to show off their kill/taunt the people we were with OR (2) the gang was branching out into kidnapping/ransoming and in that case she'd be alive for now.
I had to make a decision, did I leave her for dead/assume she was dead, or did I send the security crew in, guns blazing, and possibly start a turf war that would get many other innocents killed. The answer was easy, I would risk anything, everything to get my mother back.
This one old woman scoffed at me, and said I was selfish, that it was a fool's errand. I got up in her face and told her my mom was everything to me, she was the person I loved most in the world (I felt guilty saying this, knowing I had a husband at home waiting for me that I loved, just... not as much as my mom). I'd walk through hell for her, and she'd done that for me. That I owed her everything. That I wouldn't be there, I wouldn't be the person I am if it wasn't for her. That I would do anything and everything in my power to get her back back. If that meant starting some kind of turf war, then so be it.
The huge guy with the flame thrower, and some others went to their headquarters, and I tagged along. No one gave me a gun, and I was in the middle of a gun fight, it was totally stupid of me to go in unarmed. We got to the building, got in without being captured, but then their numbers overwhelmed us and we were their prisoners.
The leader was an arrogant ass, just as one might suspect. I had more than my mother captive, and at first I didn't see her. Then he lead me by my elbow, to show my mom wrapped in some kind of green tarp, laying helpless on the low table, her glasses and personal effects taken from her. In my dream she still needed her glasses to see (she had cataract surgery last winter and doesn't need glasses to see anymore), so they'd effectively frightened her to near death by not allowing her to know one inkling of what was going on. I thought my heart would break just from seeing her like that. My mom has never been a powerless person, she's always been so capable, and confident.
The horrible man, whose touch made my skin crawl, said he wanted $300,000 CDN, and all the pictures from the weekend retreat. Over the weekend, mostly the younger of us, did a 'love your body' two day thing where we were naked a lot, we did yoga, body painting, took pictures throughout the whole thing - they would be ours to keep, but it was a way to see our bodies as beautiful, they had a pro come in and set up a studio for us. I guess the leader guy was a creepy perv, or perhaps he wanted to sell those too, I don't know. I was too busy worrying about how in the hell I was going to come up with three hundred grand fast enough, and if I could ever pay it back.
The big guy that was with us, said they'd get the money, told the leader it was not a problem and started making a call - when the gang goons let him - to some lawyer or banker of some kind? The call made is seem like they were pretty familiar with the whole kidnapping ransom thing, and were good about getting the money fast. At the time I was too busy freaking out about the money - only Chris works, I have no money of my own, how in the hell were we ever going to pay off such a large sum?? We'd never own a home, we'd never be out of debt. My stomach was roiling with worry/anxiety/fear/doubt. It occurred to me that some of my aunts and uncles might chip in to help pay the debt, as they'd be just as willing to get mom back, but it wasn't any kind of a guarantee. Most of my family weren't... in a position to help, and those that were... well, I didn't trust they would. Which would mean I'd be ruining my husband's life. I'd be ruining our chances of every having the life we wanted. Could I really do that?
Then I started wondering if they would ever actually let any of us go. We'd seen their faces, we knew who they were. This wasn't some anonymous deal. Perhaps they would make me sign over the money, make sure they get it, and then kill us all.
Apparently my brain did not like where this was going, and decided it wanted to start over.
I went back to the point where I decided to go in after my mom, and this time, I went on my own, loaded for bear with as much ammo and guns as I could carry.
I got in easily, confused the bad guys and shot them down while they were still confused about how I got in. I killed maybe half or more that way. Then they caught on and went after me. There was about 4 or 5 of them, laying down impressive suppressing fire.I managed to hide behind this huge marble stand - they had a museum in the front room of their warehouse - real professional-like, with meaty marble pedestals, great recessed lighting, and glass cases for everything). So I hid, and managed to shoot 3 of the 5 in the legs and one in the hip - their hiding spot initially was no where good as mine. I even managed to get the leader in the knee. Boy was he pissed off. I'd destroyed his knee! But once they got cover they started shooting at metal plates I hadn't noticed before in the ceiling, sending bullets at me from the side not protected by the marble. I hunkered down, and used some kind of wall divider that had been near me as cover, putting it over my head, so at least they couldn't see where I was under it.
Somehow this skinny blond bitch, pretending she was an angel (her look was too innocent, it made my teeth hurt), snuck up on me while I was trying not to die from ricocheted shots. Maybe she was hypnotic, because suddenly my gun was out of ammo, and I was surrounded. I played it cool. I knew showing fear, or panicking would get me no where and just make me look weak.
They captured me, but didn't frisk me. Stupid. I still had my gun. And I had ammo at my back, under my jacket, I just needed to loose my empty clip and refill without them noticing. I set them at ease, perhaps cause I'm such a sweet looking white girl? And managed to dump my empty clip in a closet and put in a full clip without them seeing. Only, they saw me do something, and checked finding the empty clip. Everyone suddenly pointed their guns at me, looking worried. I had after all killed over half of them without getting even a scratch.
They wanted to know where my gun was. I showed them my hands. They asked about my pockets. Very slowly I started showing them my empty pockets on my left side, knowing full well my loaded gun was in my right main pocket. My brain was working fast, trying to figure out how I was going to shoot all four of them, that surrounded me in a half circle without getting dread myself.
And this is when I woke up. I gasped, like I was coming out water from some depth. Immediately I felt shame for doubting, for not being sure I'd take on the debt to save my mom. After the adamant, heartfelt speech I'd made to that woman, when it came down to it, I.. I wasn't sure I'd actually do what I said. I just.. I don't know. The dream is making me doubt. But I don't get my whole brain in dreams, I miss things that become obvious once I'm awake, I don't have the same... decision making capabilities. But if I was alone, without Chris to back me up, and was asked to come up with $300,000... I just.. I don't have that kind of money. I don't know if I could even get a loan! and if I could.. how on earth would I ever pay it back? *Sigh*
But on the flip side, could I watch her die? Could I stand back and see the tears flow, as she didn't know what was going on at all. Could I watch her suffer? No. No, that I could not do.
I dreamt last night, that I went to China with some friends on a kind of retreat. And my mom surprised me by signing up and coming too. It was sweet and wonderful, and we had a mostly great week.
On the last day everything was rather chaotic. The ladies were getting manicures and pedicures in shifts (I opted out of the manicure). We were collecting and showing off the things we'd made. We were having having smoothies and light snacks - everyone was going to lunch/dinner together before leaving.
So in the hustle and bustle, I lost track of my mom. I wasn't worried initially. I was talking with one of the girls, and picking out the make-up (from the pile we'd tried the day before) that I wanted to keep - we all got the option to keep the ones we'd used ourselves.
But when I couldn't find her in any of the rooms or out in the garden, and no one had seen her for some time. I got anxious. I asked if it were possible she left on her own, but the organizers said no, that we were all getting in the van together to go to the airport, that if she'd said she wanted to leave, she'd have been told to wait. Only she never approached them. When I told them I couldn't find her, they got worried too. Everyone looked. No one found her.
This huge man, that I guess was security - I'd not actually noticed we'd HAD security until then, went next door to this bar, and laid down suppressing flames before entering. He went in rattled the patrons and came back out saying a crew of gangsters were seen taking her.
There were two options: (1) the gang took her to escalate a turf war that was at a truce between the people(gang?) that were our security, and their gang, in which case she was probably dead, and hanging from the rafters somewhere to show off their kill/taunt the people we were with OR (2) the gang was branching out into kidnapping/ransoming and in that case she'd be alive for now.
I had to make a decision, did I leave her for dead/assume she was dead, or did I send the security crew in, guns blazing, and possibly start a turf war that would get many other innocents killed. The answer was easy, I would risk anything, everything to get my mother back.
This one old woman scoffed at me, and said I was selfish, that it was a fool's errand. I got up in her face and told her my mom was everything to me, she was the person I loved most in the world (I felt guilty saying this, knowing I had a husband at home waiting for me that I loved, just... not as much as my mom). I'd walk through hell for her, and she'd done that for me. That I owed her everything. That I wouldn't be there, I wouldn't be the person I am if it wasn't for her. That I would do anything and everything in my power to get her back back. If that meant starting some kind of turf war, then so be it.
The huge guy with the flame thrower, and some others went to their headquarters, and I tagged along. No one gave me a gun, and I was in the middle of a gun fight, it was totally stupid of me to go in unarmed. We got to the building, got in without being captured, but then their numbers overwhelmed us and we were their prisoners.
The leader was an arrogant ass, just as one might suspect. I had more than my mother captive, and at first I didn't see her. Then he lead me by my elbow, to show my mom wrapped in some kind of green tarp, laying helpless on the low table, her glasses and personal effects taken from her. In my dream she still needed her glasses to see (she had cataract surgery last winter and doesn't need glasses to see anymore), so they'd effectively frightened her to near death by not allowing her to know one inkling of what was going on. I thought my heart would break just from seeing her like that. My mom has never been a powerless person, she's always been so capable, and confident.
The horrible man, whose touch made my skin crawl, said he wanted $300,000 CDN, and all the pictures from the weekend retreat. Over the weekend, mostly the younger of us, did a 'love your body' two day thing where we were naked a lot, we did yoga, body painting, took pictures throughout the whole thing - they would be ours to keep, but it was a way to see our bodies as beautiful, they had a pro come in and set up a studio for us. I guess the leader guy was a creepy perv, or perhaps he wanted to sell those too, I don't know. I was too busy worrying about how in the hell I was going to come up with three hundred grand fast enough, and if I could ever pay it back.
The big guy that was with us, said they'd get the money, told the leader it was not a problem and started making a call - when the gang goons let him - to some lawyer or banker of some kind? The call made is seem like they were pretty familiar with the whole kidnapping ransom thing, and were good about getting the money fast. At the time I was too busy freaking out about the money - only Chris works, I have no money of my own, how in the hell were we ever going to pay off such a large sum?? We'd never own a home, we'd never be out of debt. My stomach was roiling with worry/anxiety/fear/doubt. It occurred to me that some of my aunts and uncles might chip in to help pay the debt, as they'd be just as willing to get mom back, but it wasn't any kind of a guarantee. Most of my family weren't... in a position to help, and those that were... well, I didn't trust they would. Which would mean I'd be ruining my husband's life. I'd be ruining our chances of every having the life we wanted. Could I really do that?
Then I started wondering if they would ever actually let any of us go. We'd seen their faces, we knew who they were. This wasn't some anonymous deal. Perhaps they would make me sign over the money, make sure they get it, and then kill us all.
Apparently my brain did not like where this was going, and decided it wanted to start over.
I went back to the point where I decided to go in after my mom, and this time, I went on my own, loaded for bear with as much ammo and guns as I could carry.
I got in easily, confused the bad guys and shot them down while they were still confused about how I got in. I killed maybe half or more that way. Then they caught on and went after me. There was about 4 or 5 of them, laying down impressive suppressing fire.I managed to hide behind this huge marble stand - they had a museum in the front room of their warehouse - real professional-like, with meaty marble pedestals, great recessed lighting, and glass cases for everything). So I hid, and managed to shoot 3 of the 5 in the legs and one in the hip - their hiding spot initially was no where good as mine. I even managed to get the leader in the knee. Boy was he pissed off. I'd destroyed his knee! But once they got cover they started shooting at metal plates I hadn't noticed before in the ceiling, sending bullets at me from the side not protected by the marble. I hunkered down, and used some kind of wall divider that had been near me as cover, putting it over my head, so at least they couldn't see where I was under it.
Somehow this skinny blond bitch, pretending she was an angel (her look was too innocent, it made my teeth hurt), snuck up on me while I was trying not to die from ricocheted shots. Maybe she was hypnotic, because suddenly my gun was out of ammo, and I was surrounded. I played it cool. I knew showing fear, or panicking would get me no where and just make me look weak.
They captured me, but didn't frisk me. Stupid. I still had my gun. And I had ammo at my back, under my jacket, I just needed to loose my empty clip and refill without them noticing. I set them at ease, perhaps cause I'm such a sweet looking white girl? And managed to dump my empty clip in a closet and put in a full clip without them seeing. Only, they saw me do something, and checked finding the empty clip. Everyone suddenly pointed their guns at me, looking worried. I had after all killed over half of them without getting even a scratch.
They wanted to know where my gun was. I showed them my hands. They asked about my pockets. Very slowly I started showing them my empty pockets on my left side, knowing full well my loaded gun was in my right main pocket. My brain was working fast, trying to figure out how I was going to shoot all four of them, that surrounded me in a half circle without getting dread myself.
And this is when I woke up. I gasped, like I was coming out water from some depth. Immediately I felt shame for doubting, for not being sure I'd take on the debt to save my mom. After the adamant, heartfelt speech I'd made to that woman, when it came down to it, I.. I wasn't sure I'd actually do what I said. I just.. I don't know. The dream is making me doubt. But I don't get my whole brain in dreams, I miss things that become obvious once I'm awake, I don't have the same... decision making capabilities. But if I was alone, without Chris to back me up, and was asked to come up with $300,000... I just.. I don't have that kind of money. I don't know if I could even get a loan! and if I could.. how on earth would I ever pay it back? *Sigh*
But on the flip side, could I watch her die? Could I stand back and see the tears flow, as she didn't know what was going on at all. Could I watch her suffer? No. No, that I could not do.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Happy 2012!
So, it's a new year. Christmas, aka, December was a little crazy, but I did my best to keep things within my abilities. I made lots of cookies for my MIL, and even had enough over for my uncle, and visiting with friends.
I survived xmas shopping! Gods, I hate shopping in December, and what with all of November being devoted to NANO, December starts stressful. I think next year I'm going to start either the baking or the shopping at the end of October. Maybe get some halloween candy for stocking stuffers? LOL.
I watched this video via A girl's guide to taking over the world on the Facebook, it was about middle age women in the UK and how they go crazy over xmas because of all the stress and expectations they put on themselves. Part of it was funny, about how husbands tend to just totally sidestep all the crap we as women deal with.
It made me very glad I didn't go in for all that crap. I couldn't imagine worrying about Christmas for six months of the year!! o.0 I happen to love Christmas - for me it's all about spending time with my loved ones, and of course the cookies!
I really do hate baking with Splenda, BUT I also really love my husband and being able to bake for his mom. She appreciates it - I think it's one of the few times she doesn't have to worry about eating baked goods. But for me, it's about the man I love, and how much he appreciates it. I'd make 100 (actually that's close!) cookies every year to hear that hitch in his voice! aww! Yeah yeah.
Anyway. December. Christmas. It was lovely! We had the in-laws over a few days before Christmas, I cooked a turkey with all the fixings - which turned out fabulous!! We had a nice visit, and exchanged gifts. Then on xmas eve, we went to my parents to spend the night. That's really the gift my husband gives me, he lets me have Christmas with my parents. I'm SUCH a mamma's girl. I just... As long as they are living, I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to be there with them Christmas morning. It just... It wouldn't feel right to do anything else. They're my family, and like I said, that's what Christmas is all about for me.
Chris was off until today, so we had lots of time just relaxing, playing mario party on his new computer via a gamecube emulator, and watching the Doctor Who I got him. There was also lots of TV and knitting for me, and video games for him. A good time was had by all!
Today I cut the fabric for the lining I'm making for his coat - to replace the lining that's well, totally worn out. It took over two hours! o.0 I only cut out 4 pieces, effectively, but it still took forever. Part of the trouble is I don't have a dedicated table, so I took my time making sure everything was as flat and smooth as I could get it. Then cut carefully. Having your fabric well cut is 50% of the work of sewing, and if it's a simple sew, like what I'm doing, it's more like 70% of your effort, so well done!
Now that I've babbled sufficiently, I'm going to make the confession, that prompted this post: I am a huge Pink fan. Huge.
About, oh, ten years ago, when I was dabbling in pop music (again), I fell for her, and then sort of just went to boys and guitars exclusively for years. The other day, I'm not even sure how, in my browsing about Youtube, re-discovered her. Man, she rocks! I so want her, like, last three albums! She's got a great voice, and an even more amazing attitude. I loathe to say it, because usually only douches say it, but, she's fun! She can be serious, and she has the smokey voice to go with it, but, gods help me, she's fun, and I love her for it.
And this video/song has me wanting to sing at the top of my lungs!
I survived xmas shopping! Gods, I hate shopping in December, and what with all of November being devoted to NANO, December starts stressful. I think next year I'm going to start either the baking or the shopping at the end of October. Maybe get some halloween candy for stocking stuffers? LOL.
I watched this video via A girl's guide to taking over the world on the Facebook, it was about middle age women in the UK and how they go crazy over xmas because of all the stress and expectations they put on themselves. Part of it was funny, about how husbands tend to just totally sidestep all the crap we as women deal with.
It made me very glad I didn't go in for all that crap. I couldn't imagine worrying about Christmas for six months of the year!! o.0 I happen to love Christmas - for me it's all about spending time with my loved ones, and of course the cookies!
I really do hate baking with Splenda, BUT I also really love my husband and being able to bake for his mom. She appreciates it - I think it's one of the few times she doesn't have to worry about eating baked goods. But for me, it's about the man I love, and how much he appreciates it. I'd make 100 (actually that's close!) cookies every year to hear that hitch in his voice! aww! Yeah yeah.
Anyway. December. Christmas. It was lovely! We had the in-laws over a few days before Christmas, I cooked a turkey with all the fixings - which turned out fabulous!! We had a nice visit, and exchanged gifts. Then on xmas eve, we went to my parents to spend the night. That's really the gift my husband gives me, he lets me have Christmas with my parents. I'm SUCH a mamma's girl. I just... As long as they are living, I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to be there with them Christmas morning. It just... It wouldn't feel right to do anything else. They're my family, and like I said, that's what Christmas is all about for me.
Chris was off until today, so we had lots of time just relaxing, playing mario party on his new computer via a gamecube emulator, and watching the Doctor Who I got him. There was also lots of TV and knitting for me, and video games for him. A good time was had by all!
Today I cut the fabric for the lining I'm making for his coat - to replace the lining that's well, totally worn out. It took over two hours! o.0 I only cut out 4 pieces, effectively, but it still took forever. Part of the trouble is I don't have a dedicated table, so I took my time making sure everything was as flat and smooth as I could get it. Then cut carefully. Having your fabric well cut is 50% of the work of sewing, and if it's a simple sew, like what I'm doing, it's more like 70% of your effort, so well done!
Now that I've babbled sufficiently, I'm going to make the confession, that prompted this post: I am a huge Pink fan. Huge.
About, oh, ten years ago, when I was dabbling in pop music (again), I fell for her, and then sort of just went to boys and guitars exclusively for years. The other day, I'm not even sure how, in my browsing about Youtube, re-discovered her. Man, she rocks! I so want her, like, last three albums! She's got a great voice, and an even more amazing attitude. I loathe to say it, because usually only douches say it, but, she's fun! She can be serious, and she has the smokey voice to go with it, but, gods help me, she's fun, and I love her for it.
And this video/song has me wanting to sing at the top of my lungs!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Good Dream
I had this amazing dream last night about vampires, predators, aliens, crazy hotels, and in the middle of it, dildos and chocolate chip muffins. LOL.
It started out... at an old house. Three stories. Turn of the century. Farm house, middle of no where. I don't fully remember why I was there. I think I was protecting someone, or rather a group of people. We were under attack. Vampires. So very fast. I'm almost positive I had a gun.... Like AK47. Semi-automatic. But they were too fast to shoot. I couldn't even see them. We were trying to get them out, the people we were protecting. Many of my men and women died. Fast bloody deaths. But we got some of them out. Some of them just didn't make it. We had planes standing by, though heilos would have made more sense.... Maybe they did take heilos.... If I do turn this into a story, it will be heilos. lol.
I remember being on the first floor. It was a battle just to get there. I think we were on the second or third floor to start. Fighting our way down. Me and another woman. We made it down. She captured one of them. I said we should just kill him and get the fuck out. But she wanted to take him with us. I told her she'd be responsible for him then. She used a wooden chair to break one of the huge windows and threw him out onto the lawn. We were making a run for the last plane. I have this vision of an old school plane with two sets of wings. But the inside was high-tech. Dreams never do make sense.
Anyway. I lost the other woman and her captive in the field, I think. All I know is I made it on the plane, and got the thing to take off. The pilot was just gone. It was just me. I remember thinking: Fuck, I don't know how to fly this plane. But how hard can it be. I can do this. I must know how to fly the plane. LOL Even in my dreams bits of me realise I'm dreaming and don't know my characters whole backstory. So, I get the plane in the air, everything is going fine, and then boom. One of the engines gives out. Hell, I could very well have been shot down. The plane spins out of the control, and crashes in a field by the house. At this point I realise I'm dead. There is no way I could have survived the crashed and lived. And yet I keep going. I keep running.
This is where I meet up with the other woman and her captive. We are in the snow-covered field trying to hide from whomever is coming after us. They have guns. Vamps don't have guns. Or at least, vamps don't NEED guns. It's not vamps chasing us now, it's the military.
I'm laying in the snow, willing them not to see us, realising the grass isn't tall enough, or the snow deep enough. They should be able to see us. But they walk right by us. Human military. Machine guns. Black army boots. Helmets. They appear to be looking right at us, but they don't see us.
We escape.
It's a dream. So it's all fuzzy. I'm not sure exactly what happens next.
I remember walking along the edge of a wall - something a human couldn't really do, something *I* could never have done. I hear a voice in my head, images. I follow where the voice leads, in a section of city. So very pretty. Black wrought iron balconies. Yellow brick, low-rise apartment buildings. Eyes everywhere watching me, but I can't see them, only feel them on me. Watching, appraising.
The voice tells me about vampires. Fast. Strong. Long-lived. Hard to hurt, very hard to kill. Heal so very fast. Powerful minds, powerful enough to change the way humans around them see the world, see them. They are the perfect predator. They have no rival. But nature hates imbalance. That's why she created the others. So very like the vampire in every way, strong, fast, agile, powerful mind and body, great healers, hard to kill, hard to stop. And that's what we are. What you are, it tells me. We hunt them. They hunt the humans. We lay with the devil and they have no idea we aren't them. This thought terrifies me. Vampires are a dangerous lot. If they found out what I was, that I wasn't one of the, they'd do worse than kill me. I was already dead. Goddess knows what they'd do. You're one of us the voice keeps telling me. Hard to believe that.
Somehow, once again, I meet up with the woman from the farm house. We meet a group of people, well, not people. They are other. I can't tell if they are vamps, or this not-vamp the voice in my head keeps going on about.
There's a male, shorn head (very very short dark hair), Collin I think. He has a lovely Irish accent. He's wearing a sleevless t-shirt. Kinda athetic/mountain climber type. There's a man with long dark hair, dark eyes, reminds me of Antonio Banderas, but he's got an English accent, or at least he does when he wants to. Calls me 'puppet'. Seems kinda nice, for a vamp, or whatever he is. Another male, shoulder length blond hair, muscular, beautiful, very Eric Northman, has the voice too. He's a total asshole, but he's beautiful. There was a thin, fit, petite, dark haired woman. I think she's the one that talked in my head. There's at least one more woman, but I can't quite picture her....... Tall, lean, very like a french model. She pouts perfectly. This sounds like the woman that came with me, but it's NOT the woman that was dragged away... and that IS the one that came with me.. So this one must be the one at the table. The one with me was my height, dark shoulder length hair, strudy build, muscles, fit.
We, me and the woman from the farm house, meet up with this group as they are going into a hotel I think? It ends up being a hotel anyway. Somehow along the way she seems to have lost her hostage. Or at least I don't see him here. We join them. Sleep in some large room. Get up and go to breakfast. I think they have some kind of meeting, and we join them at the table. Or rather Collin is at a table in what looks like a food court. Farm warrior and I sit at the table with him. But two men in blue coveralls come out from two swinging doors behind the table and drag her away. A few mintues later the rest of the gang joins us. I'm shocked. I have no idea what's going on. Who took her, why, or what's to happen to either of us. Collin seemed to give the order, but I don't know why, or even what the order was. I think she was to be incarcerated, but I don't know by who. He wouldn't tell me who the men were when I asked. You don't need to know was all he told me.
When we were up in the hotel room, he and I were talking. I think he talked about losing his family. About some kind of loss that made him sad. They weren't a touchy group. I didn't know any of them, or even my standing with them. Why had they let me stay? I had no clue. But his sadness touched me. I thought of my mom and pa. I thought about how heartbroken, how devastating the news of my death would be to them. I wanted to call them. To tell them I was okay. To not believe that I was dead. But I was dead, wasn't I? I didn't know what was going to happen to me. But I didn't care in that moment. All I wanted was to not hurt them. And I saw, or thought I say a kindred spirit in this man. Before we left, I stopped him, and said, I hoped he wouldn't take this the wrong way, but I just had to do it, and I hugged him. I hugged him and told him I was sorry for his loss. Then I let go abruptly and walked to the elevators with everyone.
I remember sitting at the table eating a chocolate chip muffin. I felt I needed to eat, though I don't actually remember being hungry. The rest of them had said something about being very hungry. They'd gone somewhere else to eat. I was sitting next to the gorgeous blond. I think my eating offended him. I was steaming mad at Collin for betraying my trust, for not telling me what the hell was going on. Somehow the question of who I would kill came up. It think Collin asked me. I told him I'd kill him first and the the blond. The lady sitting beside him asked why - the tall model thin one. I said because he was so beautiful. He got all strangely cocky, asked if I really thought he was beautiful. I said, of course I did. I had eyes, I could see. he was lovely. Everyone in the room looked at him and knew it. He said if I thought he was beautiful now, I should watch something. There was a sort of sitting area behind us, we were on the edge of it I guess. He walked to the far wall, all calm business, then RAN through the middle of the sitting area. He was magnificent when he ran. It was almost like he shone, or bled golden light, and not just from his hair. But no one looked at him. No one paid him any mind at all. It was as if he wasn't there, or as if they just couldn't see him. He came to sit down, he took a large bite of my muffin then yelled something unintelligable at me, spitting large pieces of muffin at me. It even stained my white tank top.
I guess I knew he was offended by my eating after all. He sat down. I told him yeah, yeah, you're beautiful when you run as well. so what? Were you using your eyes he asked me. Of course I was. But what did you really see he asked. I saw you run. And how did the people react to him this time, asked the same model lady. They didn't. They acted as if they coudln't see him at all. Very good, said the blond, you were using your eyes. Yes I replied sadly. I picked up what was left of my muffin, threw it in the garbage and walked away from them.
As I walked what I saw changed. I kept blinking and my vision changed. At first it was almost like I could see two versions of the world, then it came in focus again, just one version, but not the one I was used to. There were aliens everywhere. People hiding as human, but I could see the bits they hid. Large heads, third eyes, technology in the floor, lights, maps, data, all in the floor.A man and a woman were playing a game, but as I blinked, I saw them pouring over some kind of document in the table, and the game pieces were like drives of some kind holding more information. Their bodies where totally human, they were shapped just a little wrong, and they were wearing white jumpsuits, not khakis and t-shirts. I kept walking away from the vamps, or whatever the hell they were. I never looked back. I didn't falter. I didn't want them to know what was happening to me.
I ended up near the concierge desk, and a woman appeared out of no where to one side of me. She held a white translucent clip board that was actually some kind of computer. She was wearing the hotel's uniform and asked if she could help me. I told her I wanted to go back to my room, but I didn't have a key, and for that matter I wasn't sure I could even find it. She knew just where I wanted to go. Said the son, Andrew, 10, was in the room, and he'd let me in. We were staying with his family, but they didn't actually know we were there. Strange that. I thanked her and made my way to the elevators, that were now WAY more complicated than they were a few minutes ago.
To be continued..... (hopefully I'll remember!)
It's very late. My husband had gone to bed. He doesn't like going without me. Nor does he like it when I stay up. So I better get my fat fungus infested self to bed.
It started out... at an old house. Three stories. Turn of the century. Farm house, middle of no where. I don't fully remember why I was there. I think I was protecting someone, or rather a group of people. We were under attack. Vampires. So very fast. I'm almost positive I had a gun.... Like AK47. Semi-automatic. But they were too fast to shoot. I couldn't even see them. We were trying to get them out, the people we were protecting. Many of my men and women died. Fast bloody deaths. But we got some of them out. Some of them just didn't make it. We had planes standing by, though heilos would have made more sense.... Maybe they did take heilos.... If I do turn this into a story, it will be heilos. lol.
I remember being on the first floor. It was a battle just to get there. I think we were on the second or third floor to start. Fighting our way down. Me and another woman. We made it down. She captured one of them. I said we should just kill him and get the fuck out. But she wanted to take him with us. I told her she'd be responsible for him then. She used a wooden chair to break one of the huge windows and threw him out onto the lawn. We were making a run for the last plane. I have this vision of an old school plane with two sets of wings. But the inside was high-tech. Dreams never do make sense.
Anyway. I lost the other woman and her captive in the field, I think. All I know is I made it on the plane, and got the thing to take off. The pilot was just gone. It was just me. I remember thinking: Fuck, I don't know how to fly this plane. But how hard can it be. I can do this. I must know how to fly the plane. LOL Even in my dreams bits of me realise I'm dreaming and don't know my characters whole backstory. So, I get the plane in the air, everything is going fine, and then boom. One of the engines gives out. Hell, I could very well have been shot down. The plane spins out of the control, and crashes in a field by the house. At this point I realise I'm dead. There is no way I could have survived the crashed and lived. And yet I keep going. I keep running.
This is where I meet up with the other woman and her captive. We are in the snow-covered field trying to hide from whomever is coming after us. They have guns. Vamps don't have guns. Or at least, vamps don't NEED guns. It's not vamps chasing us now, it's the military.
I'm laying in the snow, willing them not to see us, realising the grass isn't tall enough, or the snow deep enough. They should be able to see us. But they walk right by us. Human military. Machine guns. Black army boots. Helmets. They appear to be looking right at us, but they don't see us.
We escape.
It's a dream. So it's all fuzzy. I'm not sure exactly what happens next.
I remember walking along the edge of a wall - something a human couldn't really do, something *I* could never have done. I hear a voice in my head, images. I follow where the voice leads, in a section of city. So very pretty. Black wrought iron balconies. Yellow brick, low-rise apartment buildings. Eyes everywhere watching me, but I can't see them, only feel them on me. Watching, appraising.
The voice tells me about vampires. Fast. Strong. Long-lived. Hard to hurt, very hard to kill. Heal so very fast. Powerful minds, powerful enough to change the way humans around them see the world, see them. They are the perfect predator. They have no rival. But nature hates imbalance. That's why she created the others. So very like the vampire in every way, strong, fast, agile, powerful mind and body, great healers, hard to kill, hard to stop. And that's what we are. What you are, it tells me. We hunt them. They hunt the humans. We lay with the devil and they have no idea we aren't them. This thought terrifies me. Vampires are a dangerous lot. If they found out what I was, that I wasn't one of the, they'd do worse than kill me. I was already dead. Goddess knows what they'd do. You're one of us the voice keeps telling me. Hard to believe that.
Somehow, once again, I meet up with the woman from the farm house. We meet a group of people, well, not people. They are other. I can't tell if they are vamps, or this not-vamp the voice in my head keeps going on about.
There's a male, shorn head (very very short dark hair), Collin I think. He has a lovely Irish accent. He's wearing a sleevless t-shirt. Kinda athetic/mountain climber type. There's a man with long dark hair, dark eyes, reminds me of Antonio Banderas, but he's got an English accent, or at least he does when he wants to. Calls me 'puppet'. Seems kinda nice, for a vamp, or whatever he is. Another male, shoulder length blond hair, muscular, beautiful, very Eric Northman, has the voice too. He's a total asshole, but he's beautiful. There was a thin, fit, petite, dark haired woman. I think she's the one that talked in my head. There's at least one more woman, but I can't quite picture her....... Tall, lean, very like a french model. She pouts perfectly. This sounds like the woman that came with me, but it's NOT the woman that was dragged away... and that IS the one that came with me.. So this one must be the one at the table. The one with me was my height, dark shoulder length hair, strudy build, muscles, fit.
We, me and the woman from the farm house, meet up with this group as they are going into a hotel I think? It ends up being a hotel anyway. Somehow along the way she seems to have lost her hostage. Or at least I don't see him here. We join them. Sleep in some large room. Get up and go to breakfast. I think they have some kind of meeting, and we join them at the table. Or rather Collin is at a table in what looks like a food court. Farm warrior and I sit at the table with him. But two men in blue coveralls come out from two swinging doors behind the table and drag her away. A few mintues later the rest of the gang joins us. I'm shocked. I have no idea what's going on. Who took her, why, or what's to happen to either of us. Collin seemed to give the order, but I don't know why, or even what the order was. I think she was to be incarcerated, but I don't know by who. He wouldn't tell me who the men were when I asked. You don't need to know was all he told me.
When we were up in the hotel room, he and I were talking. I think he talked about losing his family. About some kind of loss that made him sad. They weren't a touchy group. I didn't know any of them, or even my standing with them. Why had they let me stay? I had no clue. But his sadness touched me. I thought of my mom and pa. I thought about how heartbroken, how devastating the news of my death would be to them. I wanted to call them. To tell them I was okay. To not believe that I was dead. But I was dead, wasn't I? I didn't know what was going to happen to me. But I didn't care in that moment. All I wanted was to not hurt them. And I saw, or thought I say a kindred spirit in this man. Before we left, I stopped him, and said, I hoped he wouldn't take this the wrong way, but I just had to do it, and I hugged him. I hugged him and told him I was sorry for his loss. Then I let go abruptly and walked to the elevators with everyone.
I remember sitting at the table eating a chocolate chip muffin. I felt I needed to eat, though I don't actually remember being hungry. The rest of them had said something about being very hungry. They'd gone somewhere else to eat. I was sitting next to the gorgeous blond. I think my eating offended him. I was steaming mad at Collin for betraying my trust, for not telling me what the hell was going on. Somehow the question of who I would kill came up. It think Collin asked me. I told him I'd kill him first and the the blond. The lady sitting beside him asked why - the tall model thin one. I said because he was so beautiful. He got all strangely cocky, asked if I really thought he was beautiful. I said, of course I did. I had eyes, I could see. he was lovely. Everyone in the room looked at him and knew it. He said if I thought he was beautiful now, I should watch something. There was a sort of sitting area behind us, we were on the edge of it I guess. He walked to the far wall, all calm business, then RAN through the middle of the sitting area. He was magnificent when he ran. It was almost like he shone, or bled golden light, and not just from his hair. But no one looked at him. No one paid him any mind at all. It was as if he wasn't there, or as if they just couldn't see him. He came to sit down, he took a large bite of my muffin then yelled something unintelligable at me, spitting large pieces of muffin at me. It even stained my white tank top.
I guess I knew he was offended by my eating after all. He sat down. I told him yeah, yeah, you're beautiful when you run as well. so what? Were you using your eyes he asked me. Of course I was. But what did you really see he asked. I saw you run. And how did the people react to him this time, asked the same model lady. They didn't. They acted as if they coudln't see him at all. Very good, said the blond, you were using your eyes. Yes I replied sadly. I picked up what was left of my muffin, threw it in the garbage and walked away from them.
As I walked what I saw changed. I kept blinking and my vision changed. At first it was almost like I could see two versions of the world, then it came in focus again, just one version, but not the one I was used to. There were aliens everywhere. People hiding as human, but I could see the bits they hid. Large heads, third eyes, technology in the floor, lights, maps, data, all in the floor.A man and a woman were playing a game, but as I blinked, I saw them pouring over some kind of document in the table, and the game pieces were like drives of some kind holding more information. Their bodies where totally human, they were shapped just a little wrong, and they were wearing white jumpsuits, not khakis and t-shirts. I kept walking away from the vamps, or whatever the hell they were. I never looked back. I didn't falter. I didn't want them to know what was happening to me.
I ended up near the concierge desk, and a woman appeared out of no where to one side of me. She held a white translucent clip board that was actually some kind of computer. She was wearing the hotel's uniform and asked if she could help me. I told her I wanted to go back to my room, but I didn't have a key, and for that matter I wasn't sure I could even find it. She knew just where I wanted to go. Said the son, Andrew, 10, was in the room, and he'd let me in. We were staying with his family, but they didn't actually know we were there. Strange that. I thanked her and made my way to the elevators, that were now WAY more complicated than they were a few minutes ago.
To be continued..... (hopefully I'll remember!)
It's very late. My husband had gone to bed. He doesn't like going without me. Nor does he like it when I stay up. So I better get my fat fungus infested self to bed.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
I did it
Did what, you (my fictitious audience) ask? I finally went to the gym. It's been forever. No literally. Like since before the wedding. For the most part, I honestly haven't felt well enough often. And when I DID feel well enough, I used that energy to get groceries, and make soup, or bread or what-have-you.
Today, instead of getting groceries, I went to the gym. I actually managed 30 minutes on the elliptical! For me, that's EPIC. Hell, I didn't think I was going to make it to the first five, never mind thirty. Yay me! And the gym wasn't scary or busy or anything (why I think the gym is scary I do not know, likely anxiety disorder). Everyone there is really nice, which always makes me feel more guilty for not going more often. Does that even make sense? Who knows.
Now I'm exhausted, and really need a nap. I've been up since 5:15am. I laid awake until 6am, then just got up. So it's already been a long day for me. Yesterday felt unbearably long. I have a feeling today and tomorrow will too.
I'm rather looking forward to Tuesday. It's class day, and then I'm going to go visit my parents. I think I might end up staying a few days. I don't see them enough, and I miss them. It's not like Chris will miss me, one way or the other, so why not. I don't get out much, socially. Hell, I don't really have any friends, and the last time I saw any of my acquaintances was three weeks ago now, when everyone lied and said they'd stop by that Saturday... Anyway, my point is, my parents, my mom especially, are some of the very few people I actually talk to. And I need some socialization in the worst way. One thing that truly sucks though, is I so CANNOT talk to my mom about what's really bothering me. I don't have anyone to talk to, and it's killing me, slowly. I was going to make up some emo analogy, but fuck it, it just hurts, and scares me, and makes me long for something I'll just never have again.
I was thinking of going to the Haikim Optical near-ish my doctor's office (allergy needle time) while I was in town, to see what it might cost me for 1 or 2 pairs of glasses, but the sad/scary truth is we just can't afford them. I feel truly stupid for wasting the money getting my eyes tested. My eyes have been bothering me, headaches reading, trouble with distance vision, so I got my eyes tested, not realizing we were so tight for cash I'd never be able to actually use the Rx. *sigh*
Today, instead of getting groceries, I went to the gym. I actually managed 30 minutes on the elliptical! For me, that's EPIC. Hell, I didn't think I was going to make it to the first five, never mind thirty. Yay me! And the gym wasn't scary or busy or anything (why I think the gym is scary I do not know, likely anxiety disorder). Everyone there is really nice, which always makes me feel more guilty for not going more often. Does that even make sense? Who knows.
Now I'm exhausted, and really need a nap. I've been up since 5:15am. I laid awake until 6am, then just got up. So it's already been a long day for me. Yesterday felt unbearably long. I have a feeling today and tomorrow will too.
I'm rather looking forward to Tuesday. It's class day, and then I'm going to go visit my parents. I think I might end up staying a few days. I don't see them enough, and I miss them. It's not like Chris will miss me, one way or the other, so why not. I don't get out much, socially. Hell, I don't really have any friends, and the last time I saw any of my acquaintances was three weeks ago now, when everyone lied and said they'd stop by that Saturday... Anyway, my point is, my parents, my mom especially, are some of the very few people I actually talk to. And I need some socialization in the worst way. One thing that truly sucks though, is I so CANNOT talk to my mom about what's really bothering me. I don't have anyone to talk to, and it's killing me, slowly. I was going to make up some emo analogy, but fuck it, it just hurts, and scares me, and makes me long for something I'll just never have again.
I was thinking of going to the Haikim Optical near-ish my doctor's office (allergy needle time) while I was in town, to see what it might cost me for 1 or 2 pairs of glasses, but the sad/scary truth is we just can't afford them. I feel truly stupid for wasting the money getting my eyes tested. My eyes have been bothering me, headaches reading, trouble with distance vision, so I got my eyes tested, not realizing we were so tight for cash I'd never be able to actually use the Rx. *sigh*
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Assignment #4
So, assignment #4 is 300 words, open. Write anything you want. I didn't know what to write, so I took the advice of my brother-in-law (I still can't believe I have brothers-in-law! Squee!), and wrote about my groping incident on the Bathurst streetcar a little while back.
Without further ado, here it is: (302 words)
Opinions? Comments? Thoughts? No?
Without further ado, here it is: (302 words)
An thin, elderly gentleman with a briefcase fought his way to the back of the streetcar. He sat beside Gwen, a tall, round, thirty-something.
“There was an empty seat in front of the pregnant teacher, but he just had to sit beside me,” Gwen thought, irritated, her claustrophobia kicking in.
She glared at him. He tried to speak to her. The sharp, rank scent of booze accosted her. Instantly, she turned away, ignoring him.
The boys in front of Gwen voraciously ate fat cinnamon buns in brown paper bags. The pretty pregnant woman’s eyes sparkled as she talked with the teenagers surrounding them. They laughed and joked with their teacher. Gwen smiled. “Good kids this lot,” she thought.
Gwen froze. Something was touching her; no, someone. She could feel it on the underside of her thigh, through her jeans. She had to be mistaken. No, there it was again. A distinct sweep of fingers ending in a definite grope. Shocked, unable to make eye contact, she looked at the old man. He was reaching across his body under his briefcase to do it. This was no accident. Her stop was soon, maybe she could wait it out. His hand flexed, rubbing the underside of her thigh.
“Nope, can't do it,” she thought, half-panicked.
Too shy to say anything to him, ashamed of her fear, Gwen got up, staring resolutely forward, and walked the length of the streetcar to the driver.
She paused. “Should I say something?” she wondered. The consequences flashed before her. She would inconvenience everyone. “It was only my thigh,” she thought.
Gwen sat in a single seat, behind the driver. The next stop was hers. She got off the streetcar in a daze. Her brain finally catching up, yelled inside her head, "I WAS GROPED ON A STREETCAR!"
Opinions? Comments? Thoughts? No?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Late Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Hope everyone's Christmas was lovely, mine certainly was! I got to spend some time with my parents, before the big day, which made Christmas feel much more whole for me.
I 'helped' my mom make donuts. She does the actual making, and once they are fried, I shook them in the cinnamon and sugar combo to coat them -- that's always been my job since I was little. It is a help though, it means mom doesn't have to stop frying to coat them, cause if you let them cool too much then the sugar just doesn't stick to the donuts.
Last year I had a terrible cold the week before Christmas, so I only saw my parents Christmas eve, and part of Christmas day. I felt cheated. I barely got any rappie pie and not one single donut. When I realised after Christmas that I'd missed out on my mom's donuts completely I literally sobbed my dismay to Chris. He totally didn't get it. But mom only makes donuts at Christmas. And they are fantastic! They're a 'tea time' donut, meant to be eaten the day they are made. The nutmeg in them is what makes them delicious, well that and the cinnamon and sugar coating on the outside. They are kinda like Tim Horton's Old Fashioned Plain donut, only with a coating. Though Timmie's has nothing on my mom's donuts.
So yeah, this year I got my fill of donuts. Or at least I had enough to satisfy my craving. I also got to have lots and lots of rappie pie. So very good! So very filling. So very strange, really, if you aren't used to it. It's basically meat and potatoes. But it's about as close to shepard's pie as Quittach is to soccer. lol.
I really enjoyed Christmas this year. We didn't have to rush, and everyone pitched in to help my mom with dinner. Chris and I helped with some of the set-up, and my aunts helped with the clean-up, which meant my mom didn't have to do everything herself. I haven't actually had a chance to talk to her since, but I'm hoping Christmas didn't leave her as drained as it did last year. She seemed to be holding up pretty well when we left at 5pm, which was well after our Christmas dinner. Though we call it dinner, it's always a late-ish lunch at about 2pm. That way we eat, we sit and talk, and about the time it's getting dark everyone is about ready to go home. Which works out perfectly for my young cousins who were there and my uncle who is in his 80s. And frankly for mom and Pa who are no longer spring chickens themselves, though I think they do far better than many people their age.
Christmas, for me, is all about family, and getting to spend it with my family and my husband was very very happy making. We even got to spend boxing day with our adopted family of Toronto friends, which was totally awesome!
This New Years Eve we are going to party held by our aforementioned Toronto friends. It's a theme party - tarts and vicars! I'm very much looking forward to it. Thanks to Halloween's past Chris already has his costume, mine is more up in the air. I'm sure I'll come up with something sufficiently tarty. If I had more time/energy/money I would totally be tempted to buy an outrageous wig, and some fake press on nails. lol. But I think I'll have to make do with what's already in my closets. I wish I had my tall boots in Toronto, but we had way too much to carry home Christmas day for me to bring them from Hamilton sadly.
And because I just can't not mention it, my mom gave us the most wonderful Christmas gift!! I know it's not supposed to be about gifts, and it's not, really, it's the thought behind it that has me all gushy. After we got married this last October, I confessed to my mom that even though we said no physical gifts, what I really wanted, was for my mom to buy me nice silverware. I have absolutely no luck in picking out silverware. I've bought some before for work, twice even, and both times they so did not work out. They rusted! They tasted of metallic decay! It was awful! My mom on the other hand has lovely taste in silverware. And I still remember when I was quite young, and one of my cousins was getting married. Mom bought him and his new wife silverware and a lovely wooden case for it. From that moment on, in my head, that was thee most perfect wedding gift. Nothing more was said, time went on, Chris and I last week bought ourselves a set of silverware while at Ikea -- we've wanted something better than what we have for some time, but the wedding came first. Since we were there (IKEA) we thought we'd pick something up that looked good. Thankfully we didn't get around to opening it as Christmas morning we found not one, but three sets of beautiful, simple, elegant silverware under the tree from my mom and pa!! Ironically the silverware mom picked looks almost exactly like the set I picked at Ikea that they didn't have any of. They had it on display, but we couldn't find a package of it. Mom said she'd liked another better, but they didn't have enough, so she got this one, remembering I like things plain. She picked perfectly. I love love love them. I know, considering I told her I wanted her to pick them for me only two months before I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was! I really really was. And what a wonderful surprise indeed!
It's a little morbid, but I know I'm not going to have my mom and pa forever. They are getting on in years. And although they may be with me for the next ten years, give or take, I (hopefully) will be around a lot longer... And the idea of having something so lovely, that I will use every day, to remind me of her is just a wonderful thought. So she'll never be 100% gone. I'm a physical person.. having a physical something that says 'mom loves me' around, is worth its weight in gold, as they say.
So yeah, Christmas was great! And I'm hoping NYE will be equally as fun.
I 'helped' my mom make donuts. She does the actual making, and once they are fried, I shook them in the cinnamon and sugar combo to coat them -- that's always been my job since I was little. It is a help though, it means mom doesn't have to stop frying to coat them, cause if you let them cool too much then the sugar just doesn't stick to the donuts.
Last year I had a terrible cold the week before Christmas, so I only saw my parents Christmas eve, and part of Christmas day. I felt cheated. I barely got any rappie pie and not one single donut. When I realised after Christmas that I'd missed out on my mom's donuts completely I literally sobbed my dismay to Chris. He totally didn't get it. But mom only makes donuts at Christmas. And they are fantastic! They're a 'tea time' donut, meant to be eaten the day they are made. The nutmeg in them is what makes them delicious, well that and the cinnamon and sugar coating on the outside. They are kinda like Tim Horton's Old Fashioned Plain donut, only with a coating. Though Timmie's has nothing on my mom's donuts.
So yeah, this year I got my fill of donuts. Or at least I had enough to satisfy my craving. I also got to have lots and lots of rappie pie. So very good! So very filling. So very strange, really, if you aren't used to it. It's basically meat and potatoes. But it's about as close to shepard's pie as Quittach is to soccer. lol.
I really enjoyed Christmas this year. We didn't have to rush, and everyone pitched in to help my mom with dinner. Chris and I helped with some of the set-up, and my aunts helped with the clean-up, which meant my mom didn't have to do everything herself. I haven't actually had a chance to talk to her since, but I'm hoping Christmas didn't leave her as drained as it did last year. She seemed to be holding up pretty well when we left at 5pm, which was well after our Christmas dinner. Though we call it dinner, it's always a late-ish lunch at about 2pm. That way we eat, we sit and talk, and about the time it's getting dark everyone is about ready to go home. Which works out perfectly for my young cousins who were there and my uncle who is in his 80s. And frankly for mom and Pa who are no longer spring chickens themselves, though I think they do far better than many people their age.
Christmas, for me, is all about family, and getting to spend it with my family and my husband was very very happy making. We even got to spend boxing day with our adopted family of Toronto friends, which was totally awesome!
This New Years Eve we are going to party held by our aforementioned Toronto friends. It's a theme party - tarts and vicars! I'm very much looking forward to it. Thanks to Halloween's past Chris already has his costume, mine is more up in the air. I'm sure I'll come up with something sufficiently tarty. If I had more time/energy/money I would totally be tempted to buy an outrageous wig, and some fake press on nails. lol. But I think I'll have to make do with what's already in my closets. I wish I had my tall boots in Toronto, but we had way too much to carry home Christmas day for me to bring them from Hamilton sadly.
And because I just can't not mention it, my mom gave us the most wonderful Christmas gift!! I know it's not supposed to be about gifts, and it's not, really, it's the thought behind it that has me all gushy. After we got married this last October, I confessed to my mom that even though we said no physical gifts, what I really wanted, was for my mom to buy me nice silverware. I have absolutely no luck in picking out silverware. I've bought some before for work, twice even, and both times they so did not work out. They rusted! They tasted of metallic decay! It was awful! My mom on the other hand has lovely taste in silverware. And I still remember when I was quite young, and one of my cousins was getting married. Mom bought him and his new wife silverware and a lovely wooden case for it. From that moment on, in my head, that was thee most perfect wedding gift. Nothing more was said, time went on, Chris and I last week bought ourselves a set of silverware while at Ikea -- we've wanted something better than what we have for some time, but the wedding came first. Since we were there (IKEA) we thought we'd pick something up that looked good. Thankfully we didn't get around to opening it as Christmas morning we found not one, but three sets of beautiful, simple, elegant silverware under the tree from my mom and pa!! Ironically the silverware mom picked looks almost exactly like the set I picked at Ikea that they didn't have any of. They had it on display, but we couldn't find a package of it. Mom said she'd liked another better, but they didn't have enough, so she got this one, remembering I like things plain. She picked perfectly. I love love love them. I know, considering I told her I wanted her to pick them for me only two months before I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was! I really really was. And what a wonderful surprise indeed!
It's a little morbid, but I know I'm not going to have my mom and pa forever. They are getting on in years. And although they may be with me for the next ten years, give or take, I (hopefully) will be around a lot longer... And the idea of having something so lovely, that I will use every day, to remind me of her is just a wonderful thought. So she'll never be 100% gone. I'm a physical person.. having a physical something that says 'mom loves me' around, is worth its weight in gold, as they say.
So yeah, Christmas was great! And I'm hoping NYE will be equally as fun.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Decision!
Okay, so like, I even asked my facebook peeps for help, and no one bothered to have a look. I feel unloved!!
Anyway, I badgered my husband, and he likes the owls one, since I was leaning that way, I'm going with that. :) Maybe I'll be able to at least swatch this week. I have a lot I want to get done, so we will see.
I'm planning to bake for both my parents and Chris' parents for xmas. So that means lots and lots of cookies in my future! Maybe I should have picked up another set of bowls at Canadian Tire when they had them on sale! *sigh* Though, honestly, I can stop at Honest Ed's like tomorrow or today if I have energy(yes I'm totally dreaming).
Today my goals are to get all the ingredients, which will likely take two trips, and to make it to the bank and get my online banking sorted out. And maybe, maybe check out Dollarama for Christmas tins since I only have ones for Chris' parents.
I wasn't planning on making my parents cookies, until I realised just how bad my mom's eyes are and how busy they are this month between mom's eye appointments and Pa's. They both have cateracts. Mom had surgery on one of her eyes last week. It's still blurry, and she's having a lot of trouble seeing well enough to take pictures, never mind making cookies! So I want to help out, take some of the pressure off of her, ya know? So that's my hope. mmhmm.
As a result, need more pretty tins for gifts! Gods, I really hope I don't go crazy making the... oh, hundreds of cookies I have planned. ha. We shall see!
If I don't forget, I'll try to take some pictures of all the cookies I'm making, and link to recipes as well. :) I'm not good at artful pictures though, just fair warning.
Anyway, I badgered my husband, and he likes the owls one, since I was leaning that way, I'm going with that. :) Maybe I'll be able to at least swatch this week. I have a lot I want to get done, so we will see.
I'm planning to bake for both my parents and Chris' parents for xmas. So that means lots and lots of cookies in my future! Maybe I should have picked up another set of bowls at Canadian Tire when they had them on sale! *sigh* Though, honestly, I can stop at Honest Ed's like tomorrow or today if I have energy(yes I'm totally dreaming).
Today my goals are to get all the ingredients, which will likely take two trips, and to make it to the bank and get my online banking sorted out. And maybe, maybe check out Dollarama for Christmas tins since I only have ones for Chris' parents.
I wasn't planning on making my parents cookies, until I realised just how bad my mom's eyes are and how busy they are this month between mom's eye appointments and Pa's. They both have cateracts. Mom had surgery on one of her eyes last week. It's still blurry, and she's having a lot of trouble seeing well enough to take pictures, never mind making cookies! So I want to help out, take some of the pressure off of her, ya know? So that's my hope. mmhmm.
As a result, need more pretty tins for gifts! Gods, I really hope I don't go crazy making the... oh, hundreds of cookies I have planned. ha. We shall see!
If I don't forget, I'll try to take some pictures of all the cookies I'm making, and link to recipes as well. :) I'm not good at artful pictures though, just fair warning.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Depressed...
I had a nap today. While listening to an audiobook even. I started feeling heavy, sore absolutely everywhere. It hurt so bad. Like sinking into a vat of mild acid or something... And then darkness. I woke up when my phone bugged me to take meds, but was still too tired, so I stopped it and didn't take my meds. They're for pain, but I HAVE to take them with food. I'm heating up something for lunch, I'll take them then.
When I did finally wake up... I realised why I didn't want to make up. Realised why I let myself fall into painful sleep. Besides the fact that I didn't sleep well last night and woke up too fucking early for what little sleep I got.... I'm depressed. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Hide from everything.
I've got a child inside that loves Christmas more than anything else in the world. Because everyone smiles. Everyone comes home. Our home feels like the centre of the world. Hugs abound. Laughter. Yummy cookies before dinner! Yummy turkey! Dinner with more than the three of us! Krokono (or however it's spelled) came out! We all played, no matter how bad we were. Family. Family all around. Talking all at once. Laughing. The older I got the more the giving of presents has become important. Being able to give my parents back something. Being able to make them smile. Still the kid. Still seeking approval. Their joy became everything. Eating breakfast together. Roppie Pie... mmmm.. All the roppie pie I could eat! Yeah, Christmas time was great.
Christmas hasn't really been like that in some time though. There's fewer of us. Most of mom's kids just don't visit. They have grandbabies of their own now, now THEY are the ones being visited. A few still come, maybe three of the 7 or so that used to. They don't stay long, but it's still very nice to see them. Uncle Don is more quiet, less likely to smile now that his wife isn't here with us anymore. But he comes. There's no more krokono. Everyone just lost interest I guess. Aunt Gladis, uncle Don's wife would always play. It would her, Pa, and Uncle Don beckoning someone to come play with them, but with just the two men... it wasn't the same. But there was still smiles. Still laughter. Still family. Still goodies, and gifts, and yummy food my mommy made. When I actually had money, and a life of my own, being able to shower my parents with gifts they way they always did me, was the greatest joy. Their surprise. Their joy. They didn't always love what I got them, but they were grateful. That's how they raised me to be too. They knew how much it meant to be, to be able to give to them. I miss that sooo much.
As of last year, my Christmas was not my own. I was part of a couple. Now I'm married. I have obligations to both families. We don't drive. It's at the very least an hour and a half between them. Because of transit, it takes as long to get to his parents from our home in Toronto, as it does to get to my parents. And the time to get from one to the other is about the same as that as well. If we don't start at one of our parents house then we're going to end up spending six hours traveling Christmas day, and barely an hour or two with either family. And then boxing day, instead of resting, we have to spend it with his extended family. It's just not fair. His family always ends up weaseling more time out of us. And we always end up leaving feeling depressed. His family means well I'm sure but the constant barrage of questions and remarks that clearly say, "Why aren't you living like us? Why aren't you living up to our expectations? What's wrong with you? (and just for me: Why aren't you soldiering through, it's not that bad? Why aren't you working? Why aren't you in school?)" It leaves us exhausted, grumpy, and at least me, sad. I do not look forward to any of that.
Chris said we don't have to spend Christmas together. Lots of couples don't. We could go to our respective parents. Yeah, cause that's just what I want to do. I want to abandon him. I want to spend my once favourite holiday away from him. This is not what I want.
But I can't seem to figure it any way that will work. My parents no longer have a spare bedroom. Or, rather, I no longer have a bed there. My Aunt Barb is planning on staying at my parents a few days before Christmas. That means she'll be sleeping on the couch or on the air mattress on the floor in the living room. There would be no room for us if we wanted to sleep there. Just, literally, no room. I so do NOT want to sleep at Chris' parents. They're nice enough and all, but I would be so so so uncomfortable there. I wouldn't sleep a wink. I'd be sick and feverish the whole day as a result. No, no, we can't do that. So what? We sleep at home and get up at 6am to catch the 7:30am bus to get to my parents by 9am... so we can get started on making/helping my mom make dinner. Because I don't want her doing everything by herself this year. It's too much. I'm not a bad cook. If she directs, I'm sure it will be fine. Though I don't see why we'd need to get started at 9am. I tried to tell Chris there was no way we were getting mom to not cook the turkey. She's just going to do it, and we won't even know she has until we smell it cooking hours later (if we were to stay over). We so don't need to start the veggies and such at 9am! pft! Mom will bake the pies a few days before... I'm thinking I might come home and ask if I can help. Hell, I'll ask for lessons! I'm terrible at pie crust rolling. I wanna do it with her cheering/instructing. She can peel and cut the apples. Show me how much to add. I've never done it! I want to help. I really do. If I make it like she's doing ME a favor, she'll be more likely to let me in. Especially if I'm there in the morning and ready. So, we'll see, THAT might work. *Sigh* but then we still have to see his parents.... which would mean leaving before dinner was done, very likely. Or just after. And then staying late at his parents WAY past my bedtime like we did last year. I was hoping we could invite Chris' parents to my parents. That was HIS idea. It's a good idea. But that means a ton of people at my mom's house. If I'm not there to make sure she isn't doing too much I'll worry. Like really worry. And Chris will guilt me into being even more worried. So yeah...
Christmas is now just a fucking nightmare and I want to hide under the covers and pretend I don't exist -- my standard response when things make me this sad and I feel just as helpless, just as useless as I do now to make anything at all better.
I mean, I have fibro. I AM useless. And everyone around me knows it. My mom worries I'll do too much, and does for me. Chris worries I'll wear myself out and doesn't let me help even when I'm up and around. I'm like morbidly obese, icky eye candy or something. Not even good for looking at, but that's all I'm good for... =/
When I did finally wake up... I realised why I didn't want to make up. Realised why I let myself fall into painful sleep. Besides the fact that I didn't sleep well last night and woke up too fucking early for what little sleep I got.... I'm depressed. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Hide from everything.
I've got a child inside that loves Christmas more than anything else in the world. Because everyone smiles. Everyone comes home. Our home feels like the centre of the world. Hugs abound. Laughter. Yummy cookies before dinner! Yummy turkey! Dinner with more than the three of us! Krokono (or however it's spelled) came out! We all played, no matter how bad we were. Family. Family all around. Talking all at once. Laughing. The older I got the more the giving of presents has become important. Being able to give my parents back something. Being able to make them smile. Still the kid. Still seeking approval. Their joy became everything. Eating breakfast together. Roppie Pie... mmmm.. All the roppie pie I could eat! Yeah, Christmas time was great.
Christmas hasn't really been like that in some time though. There's fewer of us. Most of mom's kids just don't visit. They have grandbabies of their own now, now THEY are the ones being visited. A few still come, maybe three of the 7 or so that used to. They don't stay long, but it's still very nice to see them. Uncle Don is more quiet, less likely to smile now that his wife isn't here with us anymore. But he comes. There's no more krokono. Everyone just lost interest I guess. Aunt Gladis, uncle Don's wife would always play. It would her, Pa, and Uncle Don beckoning someone to come play with them, but with just the two men... it wasn't the same. But there was still smiles. Still laughter. Still family. Still goodies, and gifts, and yummy food my mommy made. When I actually had money, and a life of my own, being able to shower my parents with gifts they way they always did me, was the greatest joy. Their surprise. Their joy. They didn't always love what I got them, but they were grateful. That's how they raised me to be too. They knew how much it meant to be, to be able to give to them. I miss that sooo much.
As of last year, my Christmas was not my own. I was part of a couple. Now I'm married. I have obligations to both families. We don't drive. It's at the very least an hour and a half between them. Because of transit, it takes as long to get to his parents from our home in Toronto, as it does to get to my parents. And the time to get from one to the other is about the same as that as well. If we don't start at one of our parents house then we're going to end up spending six hours traveling Christmas day, and barely an hour or two with either family. And then boxing day, instead of resting, we have to spend it with his extended family. It's just not fair. His family always ends up weaseling more time out of us. And we always end up leaving feeling depressed. His family means well I'm sure but the constant barrage of questions and remarks that clearly say, "Why aren't you living like us? Why aren't you living up to our expectations? What's wrong with you? (and just for me: Why aren't you soldiering through, it's not that bad? Why aren't you working? Why aren't you in school?)" It leaves us exhausted, grumpy, and at least me, sad. I do not look forward to any of that.
Chris said we don't have to spend Christmas together. Lots of couples don't. We could go to our respective parents. Yeah, cause that's just what I want to do. I want to abandon him. I want to spend my once favourite holiday away from him. This is not what I want.
But I can't seem to figure it any way that will work. My parents no longer have a spare bedroom. Or, rather, I no longer have a bed there. My Aunt Barb is planning on staying at my parents a few days before Christmas. That means she'll be sleeping on the couch or on the air mattress on the floor in the living room. There would be no room for us if we wanted to sleep there. Just, literally, no room. I so do NOT want to sleep at Chris' parents. They're nice enough and all, but I would be so so so uncomfortable there. I wouldn't sleep a wink. I'd be sick and feverish the whole day as a result. No, no, we can't do that. So what? We sleep at home and get up at 6am to catch the 7:30am bus to get to my parents by 9am... so we can get started on making/helping my mom make dinner. Because I don't want her doing everything by herself this year. It's too much. I'm not a bad cook. If she directs, I'm sure it will be fine. Though I don't see why we'd need to get started at 9am. I tried to tell Chris there was no way we were getting mom to not cook the turkey. She's just going to do it, and we won't even know she has until we smell it cooking hours later (if we were to stay over). We so don't need to start the veggies and such at 9am! pft! Mom will bake the pies a few days before... I'm thinking I might come home and ask if I can help. Hell, I'll ask for lessons! I'm terrible at pie crust rolling. I wanna do it with her cheering/instructing. She can peel and cut the apples. Show me how much to add. I've never done it! I want to help. I really do. If I make it like she's doing ME a favor, she'll be more likely to let me in. Especially if I'm there in the morning and ready. So, we'll see, THAT might work. *Sigh* but then we still have to see his parents.... which would mean leaving before dinner was done, very likely. Or just after. And then staying late at his parents WAY past my bedtime like we did last year. I was hoping we could invite Chris' parents to my parents. That was HIS idea. It's a good idea. But that means a ton of people at my mom's house. If I'm not there to make sure she isn't doing too much I'll worry. Like really worry. And Chris will guilt me into being even more worried. So yeah...
Christmas is now just a fucking nightmare and I want to hide under the covers and pretend I don't exist -- my standard response when things make me this sad and I feel just as helpless, just as useless as I do now to make anything at all better.
I mean, I have fibro. I AM useless. And everyone around me knows it. My mom worries I'll do too much, and does for me. Chris worries I'll wear myself out and doesn't let me help even when I'm up and around. I'm like morbidly obese, icky eye candy or something. Not even good for looking at, but that's all I'm good for... =/
Monday, October 11, 2010
We're Married!!!!
We're married! We did it! Yaaaaay!
I don't have any pictures to share because I was too busy getting married to take any! ;)
All my planning and preparations paid off. Everything went so very smoothly! Only two tiny things didn't go as planned:
(1) We didn't end up getting my laptop set up so Neda could skype in. We just didn't have the time. Though oddly enough we were running ahead of schedule all morning until about 9am. But then, that's exactly why I have us extra time! On the plus side Sabrina and Brian were able to record the ceremony with their fancy schamzy new camera, so Neda will get to see it!
(2) The boutoneires I made didn't sit quite right. They were too heavy, in part, and as my Pa pointed out (he is soooo smart!) I put the pins too low, it would have worked better with them higher. How he knew that I don't know. I've got such amazing parents, I do!
And that's it really. Everything else went according to plan, or at least worked out just fine, so yay! And really, as far as what could go wrong, such minor things as did, really aren't a big deal at all. Honestly, I'm thrilled everything went so very smoothly!
The catering manager said this was the easiest wedding she'd done, and I was the nicest, least bridezilla bride she's ever had to deal with!! This makes me very happy indeed! Chris joked about me being bridezilla, but honestly, not so much. I was my bitchiest as I was waiting for Chris to do up my dress, and while he was doing it. Mostly because I felt to dang helpless. Doing up my dress, since it's a corset back was something I could most definitely not do myself. Giving up control bothered me, but mostly being so helpless frustrated me. Having to stand around waiting for someone to dress me was the oddest feeling ever! So helpless, so indebted. I like being able to do for myself damnit. lol.
Everyone loved my dress, was impressed with my flowers, even more so when they learned I did them myself! :D Chris was my cheerleader and helper the whole day through. People kept complimenting the wedding, and the things I made, and Chris would pipe up 'She made that too', and everyone would be even more amazed! Heh. I honestly thought people realised I'd made all the things I did, but they always seemed surprised when Chris told them I did it, so yay! Go me! The crafty bride! Judy, our photographer told Chris that I was the craftiest bride she's ever done a wedding for!! How awesome is that?!
One of my oldest friends, Will, who is the other half of Will and Angie (two of my oldest and dearest friends), who has always been kinda like our big brother, and often 'one of the girls', was just totally amazing for us on our wedding day. He took care of the music, helped up coral people, drove us out to the picture location, stayed and waited to take us back to the hotel. Got me food and water when we arrived back at the hotel - I was just so thirsty, and really sad we didn't get to even try our hors d'ourves. I totally didn't ask, he just came out with a little plate and a glass of water! My hero! Chris said then, he really is like an older brother, and he is. I wouldn't feel right without saying how wonderful he was, he really made things so much easier for us. He totally stepped up, like he always does 'cause that's the kind of man he is, and I love him to bits for being such a wonderful man. :)
Now to the events in the order they occurred...
The ceremony was an amazing blur for me. I remember Carole our officiant reading the part about the teapot that I wrote, and smiling at me. That was awesome. She really seemed to get it, which thrilled me.
The pictures went off without a hitch, we got to use the most amazing backdrop of fall colours! A pond, with changing trees behind, oh it was breathtaking! The pictures of just us were fabulous. It felt like we got a lot done, and honestly, it really felt like we had three hours with Judy, not just the one and a bit we did have, so YAY. I really can't wait to see the pictures!!
Dinner was lovely, just... lovely. The tables looked amazing with all my ornamental gourds against the black table clothes. Everyone seemed to like the hors d'ourves I picked! Except for the spring rolls; they were not what I expected either, but that's okay, there was more than enough food! Dinner itself was great. The buffet worked out really well I think. And the fact that we had extra space was awesome - the two and three year old had lots of room to play and run around.
Thanks to Sabrina, everyone signed my guest book. I got smiles and laughs about my octopus comment (the sign I made said if they didn't sign the guest book, the guest book octopus would get them), and the actual knitted octopuses. The four kids, and their parents seemed very pleased that they each got to take one home! So yay!! My cousin Malcolm, ever the sweetheart, asked me which one was my favourite, and that's the one he picked!
Everyone just loved the cake. I received lots of compliments on how good it looked, how professional. Then they ate it, and were blown away by my chocolate cake! YAY! I cut the chocolate, bottom layer first, so a lot of people didn't get to try the coconut, but that's okay. Even Chris' shy cousin asked, in a kind of awed voice, if I'd made that chocolate cake, and if I made it often! I said yes, it's my go-to chocolate cake. He seemed really surprised and impressed! Woohooo!
The flying pigs, though some loved straight off, most didn't get until I explained - I always said I'd get married when pigs fly... David and Alice have to be some of my most favourite people, they loved the piggies straight off, and didn't need an explanation to make them awesome. :D David even mentioned that when I'd written on facebook that I was knitting octopuses for the wedding he'd thought 'this wedding is going to be awesome'! It really well and truly makes me feel just amazing when people actually get my sense of humour and understand my... aesthetic. So woohoo!
Everyone said there goodbyes after cake - it'd been a long day for everyone, I was totally okay with this timing! And by 4:30 we were in a cab and on our way home. We got to have a nice nap, then Chris made me dinner! We had snuggles and TV in bed. The perfect ending to our day - for us.
I don't have any pictures to share because I was too busy getting married to take any! ;)
All my planning and preparations paid off. Everything went so very smoothly! Only two tiny things didn't go as planned:
(1) We didn't end up getting my laptop set up so Neda could skype in. We just didn't have the time. Though oddly enough we were running ahead of schedule all morning until about 9am. But then, that's exactly why I have us extra time! On the plus side Sabrina and Brian were able to record the ceremony with their fancy schamzy new camera, so Neda will get to see it!
(2) The boutoneires I made didn't sit quite right. They were too heavy, in part, and as my Pa pointed out (he is soooo smart!) I put the pins too low, it would have worked better with them higher. How he knew that I don't know. I've got such amazing parents, I do!
And that's it really. Everything else went according to plan, or at least worked out just fine, so yay! And really, as far as what could go wrong, such minor things as did, really aren't a big deal at all. Honestly, I'm thrilled everything went so very smoothly!
The catering manager said this was the easiest wedding she'd done, and I was the nicest, least bridezilla bride she's ever had to deal with!! This makes me very happy indeed! Chris joked about me being bridezilla, but honestly, not so much. I was my bitchiest as I was waiting for Chris to do up my dress, and while he was doing it. Mostly because I felt to dang helpless. Doing up my dress, since it's a corset back was something I could most definitely not do myself. Giving up control bothered me, but mostly being so helpless frustrated me. Having to stand around waiting for someone to dress me was the oddest feeling ever! So helpless, so indebted. I like being able to do for myself damnit. lol.
Everyone loved my dress, was impressed with my flowers, even more so when they learned I did them myself! :D Chris was my cheerleader and helper the whole day through. People kept complimenting the wedding, and the things I made, and Chris would pipe up 'She made that too', and everyone would be even more amazed! Heh. I honestly thought people realised I'd made all the things I did, but they always seemed surprised when Chris told them I did it, so yay! Go me! The crafty bride! Judy, our photographer told Chris that I was the craftiest bride she's ever done a wedding for!! How awesome is that?!
One of my oldest friends, Will, who is the other half of Will and Angie (two of my oldest and dearest friends), who has always been kinda like our big brother, and often 'one of the girls', was just totally amazing for us on our wedding day. He took care of the music, helped up coral people, drove us out to the picture location, stayed and waited to take us back to the hotel. Got me food and water when we arrived back at the hotel - I was just so thirsty, and really sad we didn't get to even try our hors d'ourves. I totally didn't ask, he just came out with a little plate and a glass of water! My hero! Chris said then, he really is like an older brother, and he is. I wouldn't feel right without saying how wonderful he was, he really made things so much easier for us. He totally stepped up, like he always does 'cause that's the kind of man he is, and I love him to bits for being such a wonderful man. :)
Now to the events in the order they occurred...
The ceremony was an amazing blur for me. I remember Carole our officiant reading the part about the teapot that I wrote, and smiling at me. That was awesome. She really seemed to get it, which thrilled me.
The pictures went off without a hitch, we got to use the most amazing backdrop of fall colours! A pond, with changing trees behind, oh it was breathtaking! The pictures of just us were fabulous. It felt like we got a lot done, and honestly, it really felt like we had three hours with Judy, not just the one and a bit we did have, so YAY. I really can't wait to see the pictures!!
Dinner was lovely, just... lovely. The tables looked amazing with all my ornamental gourds against the black table clothes. Everyone seemed to like the hors d'ourves I picked! Except for the spring rolls; they were not what I expected either, but that's okay, there was more than enough food! Dinner itself was great. The buffet worked out really well I think. And the fact that we had extra space was awesome - the two and three year old had lots of room to play and run around.
Thanks to Sabrina, everyone signed my guest book. I got smiles and laughs about my octopus comment (the sign I made said if they didn't sign the guest book, the guest book octopus would get them), and the actual knitted octopuses. The four kids, and their parents seemed very pleased that they each got to take one home! So yay!! My cousin Malcolm, ever the sweetheart, asked me which one was my favourite, and that's the one he picked!
Everyone just loved the cake. I received lots of compliments on how good it looked, how professional. Then they ate it, and were blown away by my chocolate cake! YAY! I cut the chocolate, bottom layer first, so a lot of people didn't get to try the coconut, but that's okay. Even Chris' shy cousin asked, in a kind of awed voice, if I'd made that chocolate cake, and if I made it often! I said yes, it's my go-to chocolate cake. He seemed really surprised and impressed! Woohooo!
The flying pigs, though some loved straight off, most didn't get until I explained - I always said I'd get married when pigs fly... David and Alice have to be some of my most favourite people, they loved the piggies straight off, and didn't need an explanation to make them awesome. :D David even mentioned that when I'd written on facebook that I was knitting octopuses for the wedding he'd thought 'this wedding is going to be awesome'! It really well and truly makes me feel just amazing when people actually get my sense of humour and understand my... aesthetic. So woohoo!
Everyone said there goodbyes after cake - it'd been a long day for everyone, I was totally okay with this timing! And by 4:30 we were in a cab and on our way home. We got to have a nice nap, then Chris made me dinner! We had snuggles and TV in bed. The perfect ending to our day - for us.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Taking His Name...Is FREAKING ME OUT!
Okay, so... When FH first proposed I asked if I could take his name and he said no. I was a little hurt, I let it go, however, a first for me really. Later I asked him why the idea of me taking his name bothered him. He said he was raised not to expect anyone would take his name... I think it freaked him out too because it made it more 'real'. Eventually I got him to agree to it - I said I wanted to, that I wanted us to be one family and that meant one name.
Now I'm the one freaking out. Big time.
I went to get our marriage license yesterday, and it comes with a info sheet about your options for name change. Apparently if I legally change my name in Ontario, because I was born here, they will re-issue my birth certificate with my new name! My old name would be in brackets beside it, but still!! OMG!
My heart is still in my throat, where it's been since reading that.
I feel like that is a step too far! I want to be Mrs. Awesome, but I don't want to erase Ms.WickedCool to do it! Ya know??
*sigh*
Now I don't know what to do.
I... I may not always like who I am, I know I haven't always liked me, but, I'm still me, I still have a vested interest in me. I'm cool with being Mrs.Awesome from this point forward, but I never thought the gov't would go back and change who I was. That's what it feels like for me. I don't know why I'm personalizing it so but I am.
I'm proud of my last name. It's where I came from. My grandparents took me in when my father basically abandoned me. They didn't have to, but they did. My name is tied to them. And I feel like having their name is tied to my loyalty, my gratitude for them being my parents. I don't want to change my freaking birth certificate!
Logically, a name change doesn't change who I am - a rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet. But it freaks me right the hell out! There is connotation in names, and I don't want for one second for my parents to think I don't love them, that I don't love being their daughter, that I'm not proud of them, and all they've accomplished, and grateful for all they've done and continue to do for me.
So what do I do? Bah. I'm the one that convinced my FH that I wanted to take his name. And I still do. I just... Fuck, why does the gov't have to fuck with my BIRTH CERTIFICATE?!
I wonder if I can apply for a name change with another branch of gov't so they will leave my birth certificate the fuck alone. I suppose I could just keep my old one and cut the new one up into little pieces?? I won't give it to them, that much I will refuse.
UPDATE!
Okay! So finding more information, yay useful gov't sites! I'm going to "assume" FH's name. That info sheet did not represent it well!
I can get my health card, driver's license(if I had one!), Passport(!), bank account's, credit cards, all in my "assumed" name by showing them my marriage certificate(when I get it of course). Wee! This is just want I wanted, and I still get to be me, Ms. Hazelton, legally, while also being Mrs. Wood for all intents and purposes! Best solution ever!
Now I'm the one freaking out. Big time.
I went to get our marriage license yesterday, and it comes with a info sheet about your options for name change. Apparently if I legally change my name in Ontario, because I was born here, they will re-issue my birth certificate with my new name! My old name would be in brackets beside it, but still!! OMG!
My heart is still in my throat, where it's been since reading that.
I feel like that is a step too far! I want to be Mrs. Awesome, but I don't want to erase Ms.WickedCool to do it! Ya know??
*sigh*
Now I don't know what to do.
I... I may not always like who I am, I know I haven't always liked me, but, I'm still me, I still have a vested interest in me. I'm cool with being Mrs.Awesome from this point forward, but I never thought the gov't would go back and change who I was. That's what it feels like for me. I don't know why I'm personalizing it so but I am.
I'm proud of my last name. It's where I came from. My grandparents took me in when my father basically abandoned me. They didn't have to, but they did. My name is tied to them. And I feel like having their name is tied to my loyalty, my gratitude for them being my parents. I don't want to change my freaking birth certificate!
Logically, a name change doesn't change who I am - a rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet. But it freaks me right the hell out! There is connotation in names, and I don't want for one second for my parents to think I don't love them, that I don't love being their daughter, that I'm not proud of them, and all they've accomplished, and grateful for all they've done and continue to do for me.
So what do I do? Bah. I'm the one that convinced my FH that I wanted to take his name. And I still do. I just... Fuck, why does the gov't have to fuck with my BIRTH CERTIFICATE?!
I wonder if I can apply for a name change with another branch of gov't so they will leave my birth certificate the fuck alone. I suppose I could just keep my old one and cut the new one up into little pieces?? I won't give it to them, that much I will refuse.
UPDATE!
Okay! So finding more information, yay useful gov't sites! I'm going to "assume" FH's name. That info sheet did not represent it well!
I can get my health card, driver's license(if I had one!), Passport(!), bank account's, credit cards, all in my "assumed" name by showing them my marriage certificate(when I get it of course). Wee! This is just want I wanted, and I still get to be me, Ms. Hazelton, legally, while also being Mrs. Wood for all intents and purposes! Best solution ever!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Humber Arboretum
On Saturday Chris' parents came with us to check out the Humber Arboretum on Humber College Campus. Chris suggested it/knew about it because that's where he went to school. At the back of campus is this...gem!
We walk in past the lovely front entrance full of flowers - I didn't get any good pictures of this area! Doh. Anyway, a mere, what 50 feet in, we see this beautiful vista.
I don't know as it's good for photos, but it's just so darn pretty.
A few yards past that we see this fairy-tale-like corner!
Perfect spot for couples photos.
There's a pond in the middle of the groomed area, that looks ungroomed really, and perfectly natural. I snapped the shot as Chris was looking at the pond; it's the best way to get photos of him. :D
Backdrop for family photos maybe?
In wandering around to one side of the Arboretum we found this rock garden/waterfall section. The sound of babbling water drew me to it; we might not have found it otherwise; it was so well hidden by trees!
Either family or couple pictures. Or both!
Seriously, how pretty is that!? I totally want pictures there. I mean, how lovely is this?
Then, just a mere 5 seconds from all that manicured beauty is a wooded path!!
Squeeee!!!!!! I want couple pictures here. WANT.
We took a like 10-15 minute walk down the wooded path and into the trees, it was really pretty! We even came across a deer and her fawns. So cute!
Oh. My. God. Humber Arboretum could not be more perfect for what I want!! Manicured gardens, natural-looking greenery and a wooded path just seconds from it! Yes!! So so excited for this! Squeeee!!!!!
We walk in past the lovely front entrance full of flowers - I didn't get any good pictures of this area! Doh. Anyway, a mere, what 50 feet in, we see this beautiful vista.
I don't know as it's good for photos, but it's just so darn pretty.
A few yards past that we see this fairy-tale-like corner!
Perfect spot for couples photos.
There's a pond in the middle of the groomed area, that looks ungroomed really, and perfectly natural. I snapped the shot as Chris was looking at the pond; it's the best way to get photos of him. :D
Backdrop for family photos maybe?
In wandering around to one side of the Arboretum we found this rock garden/waterfall section. The sound of babbling water drew me to it; we might not have found it otherwise; it was so well hidden by trees!
Either family or couple pictures. Or both!
Seriously, how pretty is that!? I totally want pictures there. I mean, how lovely is this?
Then, just a mere 5 seconds from all that manicured beauty is a wooded path!!
Squeeee!!!!!! I want couple pictures here. WANT.
We took a like 10-15 minute walk down the wooded path and into the trees, it was really pretty! We even came across a deer and her fawns. So cute!
Oh. My. God. Humber Arboretum could not be more perfect for what I want!! Manicured gardens, natural-looking greenery and a wooded path just seconds from it! Yes!! So so excited for this! Squeeee!!!!!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Good News, Bad News
I had a pretty good weekend. Chris and I went with his parents to Humber Arboretum to take a look around. We are hoping to do wedding pictures there, but I'd never seen it, so we wanted to check it out. It's beautiful. There are so many wonderful spots for pictures. So many lovely plants. I'm terribly excited. I really hope it doesn't rain! I want pictures there. Chris suggested I come back much closer to the wedding to scout it out again - to see how it's changed. I'm totally up for that. I really like the place. Heck, it has a sort of forest in the back with paths, I would love to just go walking in there. So pretty and green!
I really want/wanted fall colours for my wedding, but I don't think that's going to happen in Southern Ontario in the beginning of October. Perhaps if the wedding was in the beginning of November...but we wanted 10.10.10, so oh well. I'm happy with my date. If everything is still green, the pictures will look lovely for it as well. :)
So that was the good news.... Now to the bad news. I called my mom today to see how she and Pa are doing, and to ask about fasting for a cholesterol test, as I know she's done it. She reluctantly told me that Pa is in the hospital with pneumonia! She called an ambulance for him Friday, and he's been in there since. o.0 She's seen him every day, and yesterday he was feeling a lot better, was eating like he's starved, and wants to come home - all good signs. I'm not too terribly worried. If he's eating like she said, he can't be that sick. My Pa can eat, the only time he can't eat is when he's really sick. So yeah, he's on the road to recovery, yay! B
What I can't wrap my brain around is that mom didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to worry!! o.0 Of course I'm going to worry! And I told her so! They're my parents! I love them! Of course I worry about them. She laughed when I told her. I think it was my tone. But like, she specifically didn't tell me cause she didn't want to worry me. I swear, that woman is going to give me a facial tick!
I still haven't gotten the pictures off my camera from the Arboretum. We had a really busy weekend, at least it felt busy. I need to charge my battery first I think, since it was flashing empty when we were there. But I'll post some of the pictures cause the place is just lovely!
I really want/wanted fall colours for my wedding, but I don't think that's going to happen in Southern Ontario in the beginning of October. Perhaps if the wedding was in the beginning of November...but we wanted 10.10.10, so oh well. I'm happy with my date. If everything is still green, the pictures will look lovely for it as well. :)
So that was the good news.... Now to the bad news. I called my mom today to see how she and Pa are doing, and to ask about fasting for a cholesterol test, as I know she's done it. She reluctantly told me that Pa is in the hospital with pneumonia! She called an ambulance for him Friday, and he's been in there since. o.0 She's seen him every day, and yesterday he was feeling a lot better, was eating like he's starved, and wants to come home - all good signs. I'm not too terribly worried. If he's eating like she said, he can't be that sick. My Pa can eat, the only time he can't eat is when he's really sick. So yeah, he's on the road to recovery, yay! B
What I can't wrap my brain around is that mom didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to worry!! o.0 Of course I'm going to worry! And I told her so! They're my parents! I love them! Of course I worry about them. She laughed when I told her. I think it was my tone. But like, she specifically didn't tell me cause she didn't want to worry me. I swear, that woman is going to give me a facial tick!
I still haven't gotten the pictures off my camera from the Arboretum. We had a really busy weekend, at least it felt busy. I need to charge my battery first I think, since it was flashing empty when we were there. But I'll post some of the pictures cause the place is just lovely!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Tallship Photos
Last night I was going through the many photos I took during my two visits to see the Tallships at Toronto's Harbourfront. I edited the ones I liked best into 4x6 pictures so I could have them printed - I thought my parents would get a kick out of seeing them. And I mean, what's the point of pictures really if you don't get them printed?
Although there was 60 pictures I thought I'd print when I started editing, there was somehow, only about 30 when I was done. I do not know how this works, I honestly didn't think I was nixing half so many! There were a few though, that I really, really liked. Enough that I wanted to display them around my home. Until I realised we have no where to display them. We don't have any holes in our walls - we aren't allowed, and we have precious little space for putting things as it is. Then I thought about my Pa, and how he just took over my old bedroom, and has lots of space. I also really wanted to print the pictures in the first place because I thought he specifically would like them.
So... I'm thinking of printing three 5x7s, buying in one of those 3-in-1 frames for them, and gifting them to my Pa. I'm not even totally sure he'd like it... I mean, I don't have any photographic talent. I'm not even sure I have an eye for the finished product. But if I get the frame from the dollar store, then I've not expended too much money if he does't like it; I'll only be risking my feelings. Bah, I'm so emo!
Anyway, my real point in all this, is I can't pick 3! Doh. There are 5 that I really quite like. But I think giving him all 5 might be a bit much.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Oddly enough there are only 3 ships represented here, as you can likely tell. Two each are of the Bounty and the Europa. I guess I just really liked the lines of those ships.
I was thinking of having the colour photos on either end of the frame, and picking one of the black and whites to go in the middle. Although I love #1, it's way too close to #3 to work in a 3 picture frame I think. If I did all the B&Ws together, that would look good but I don't think Pa is a B&W fan. So.. it's really down to #2 and #5. I just don't know which I like better/would work better. That is of course unless someone out there has a better idea?? Or should I just nix the whole thing? I feel very......self-conscious about gifting someone photos I took, like my ego is way bigger than it should be. But I really like them, and I think he might like them too. Bah.... Help! Please!
Although there was 60 pictures I thought I'd print when I started editing, there was somehow, only about 30 when I was done. I do not know how this works, I honestly didn't think I was nixing half so many! There were a few though, that I really, really liked. Enough that I wanted to display them around my home. Until I realised we have no where to display them. We don't have any holes in our walls - we aren't allowed, and we have precious little space for putting things as it is. Then I thought about my Pa, and how he just took over my old bedroom, and has lots of space. I also really wanted to print the pictures in the first place because I thought he specifically would like them.
So... I'm thinking of printing three 5x7s, buying in one of those 3-in-1 frames for them, and gifting them to my Pa. I'm not even totally sure he'd like it... I mean, I don't have any photographic talent. I'm not even sure I have an eye for the finished product. But if I get the frame from the dollar store, then I've not expended too much money if he does't like it; I'll only be risking my feelings. Bah, I'm so emo!
Anyway, my real point in all this, is I can't pick 3! Doh. There are 5 that I really quite like. But I think giving him all 5 might be a bit much.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Oddly enough there are only 3 ships represented here, as you can likely tell. Two each are of the Bounty and the Europa. I guess I just really liked the lines of those ships.
I was thinking of having the colour photos on either end of the frame, and picking one of the black and whites to go in the middle. Although I love #1, it's way too close to #3 to work in a 3 picture frame I think. If I did all the B&Ws together, that would look good but I don't think Pa is a B&W fan. So.. it's really down to #2 and #5. I just don't know which I like better/would work better. That is of course unless someone out there has a better idea?? Or should I just nix the whole thing? I feel very......self-conscious about gifting someone photos I took, like my ego is way bigger than it should be. But I really like them, and I think he might like them too. Bah.... Help! Please!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Ear rings from my Future-Mother-In-Law
They're here! Squee! So pretty.
I really really like them. Even though they were stupidly expensive. Oh well. Still. Pretty!!
A friend of mine gave me some pointers on how to compose pictures so they're more pleasing. So simple, but wow what a difference. Suddenly my pictures are stunning, if I do say so myself.
Just look at that sparkle!
Is it weird that I'm more in love with them now that I've taken pretty pictures of them, than I was yesterday when they came? Yesterday was also soured by the brokerage fees I had to pay COD. o.0 But we won't talk about that!
Pretty! So very pretty! Lab created rubies, and cubic zirconia. Rubies being my birthstone. And seeing as I'm wearing a red dress for the wedding, I thought these would go smashingly. :D Now I just have to figure out what I'm doing for the rest of my jewellry. heh.
I really really like them. Even though they were stupidly expensive. Oh well. Still. Pretty!!
A friend of mine gave me some pointers on how to compose pictures so they're more pleasing. So simple, but wow what a difference. Suddenly my pictures are stunning, if I do say so myself.
Just look at that sparkle!
Is it weird that I'm more in love with them now that I've taken pretty pictures of them, than I was yesterday when they came? Yesterday was also soured by the brokerage fees I had to pay COD. o.0 But we won't talk about that!
Pretty! So very pretty! Lab created rubies, and cubic zirconia. Rubies being my birthstone. And seeing as I'm wearing a red dress for the wedding, I thought these would go smashingly. :D Now I just have to figure out what I'm doing for the rest of my jewellry. heh.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Four Months to go, and LOTS to do!
I haven't been on OBT(Offbeat Bride Tribe community site), or even looking at Offbeat Bride for the past few months. I sorta overdosed when I started out, and really just needed a break from everything wedding. Life got in the way as well, as it tends to do. But with fours months until our wedding, and me being an obsessive complusive personality, I've started thinking wedding again.
Thus far we have:
What we(I) need to do:
The more I think about this, the more I have to do! *gulp* And yet, it feels like everything is done, and I should be doing more. Damn WIC is totally getting in my head!
Over the weekend I chose our vows, sussed out our ceremony's wording, finalized the ceremony music, emailed the venue, and ordered shoes. I should say we, though really, I did all the work, and said 'what do you think of this' and he said yes or no. So yeah, I get the credit. Though, my FH is great, he totally gives me credit too. :) Anyway, point being, we're whittling down the list, slowly but surely.
I have to say, I find it really strange, that when I was looking at vows, and trying to come up with my own, what spoke to me the most was the traditional 'to have and hold" vows. Actually, they are what we both think of when we think wedding, so that's what we're going with.
I'm torn on whether or not I want to add to our vows/ceremony an "I love you because" speech. Part of me really wants to share with our families why I love him so much, and what makes him special to me. I think it will have a very personal, humanizing touch to the whole thing as well. But I'm not sure how he feels about that. And I also realize I'm a shy person in general. I hate hate hate speaking in public, and I think I'm be crazy scared on the day of. At the same time... I want to be brave, ya know? I want to stand up in front of the people we love most and say, this is the man for me; I've really thought about it, and I know just what makes him special, and I want you all to know what I see in him. Does that make any sense?? Will that just over-sharing??
Thus far we have:
- Sent Save the Date magnets
- Bought Wedding invites (though they may need to be changed. o.0)
- Ceremony venue
- Humanist officiant
- Music picked for the ceremony
- Ceremony wording & vows 99% laid out
- Reception venue (same as ceremony)
- Reception table/guest layout
- Photographer (I love her sooo much!)
- My dress is being made (I get to try it on for real on the 29th!!)
- My shoes are bought, though not here yet (impatiently waiting for order to arrive)
- Suit for groom, and a shirt I hope will work!
What we(I) need to do:
- Finalize Engagement & Bridal picture locations
- Book engagement & Bridal sessions
- Finish groom's outfit - Needs cravat, vest and cuff links (if I can convince him of the first two!)
- Make wedding jewellery - bracelet and necklace perhaps?
- Commission talented friend to make headband
- Finish knitting wedding shawl
- Finalize Wedding time-line
- Make How to get there instructions for guests
- Send out invitations
- Make Wedding Day Agendas for guests
- Pick Reception Menu
- Pick/find reception music
- Make centre piece vases for flowers
- Decide on what kind of cakes to make, and whether to do two separate cakes or a two tiered cake
- Bake the cakes (obviously this won't be done until the week before the wedding)
- Buy and make the flower arrangements (again, in the days before the wedding)
The more I think about this, the more I have to do! *gulp* And yet, it feels like everything is done, and I should be doing more. Damn WIC is totally getting in my head!
Over the weekend I chose our vows, sussed out our ceremony's wording, finalized the ceremony music, emailed the venue, and ordered shoes. I should say we, though really, I did all the work, and said 'what do you think of this' and he said yes or no. So yeah, I get the credit. Though, my FH is great, he totally gives me credit too. :) Anyway, point being, we're whittling down the list, slowly but surely.
I have to say, I find it really strange, that when I was looking at vows, and trying to come up with my own, what spoke to me the most was the traditional 'to have and hold" vows. Actually, they are what we both think of when we think wedding, so that's what we're going with.
I'm torn on whether or not I want to add to our vows/ceremony an "I love you because" speech. Part of me really wants to share with our families why I love him so much, and what makes him special to me. I think it will have a very personal, humanizing touch to the whole thing as well. But I'm not sure how he feels about that. And I also realize I'm a shy person in general. I hate hate hate speaking in public, and I think I'm be crazy scared on the day of. At the same time... I want to be brave, ya know? I want to stand up in front of the people we love most and say, this is the man for me; I've really thought about it, and I know just what makes him special, and I want you all to know what I see in him. Does that make any sense?? Will that just over-sharing??
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Mom
I haven't posted in forever. Honestly, I've been too busy, or too tired for the most part. The last month has been a little crazy for me.
May 26th I was planning to go to Hamilton to visit my parents and get my monthly allergy shot. I get a call from my mom. I didn't answer because, well, I was exhausted and still in bed trying to actually sleep. When I got up, about twenty minutes later, I listened to the message.
My mom called to tell me to bring my keys because her and Pa weren't going to be home - Pa was taking her to the hospital. But I shouldn't worry. She was fine. A little shaky, but that was just nerves. o.0
o.0
I messaged Chris as work, nearly in a panic. Mom hates hospitals, she would not go there on a whim. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I got ready in record time and went to the only hospital I could imagine mom going to - the General. She just told me 'the hospital'. There are lots of hospitals in Hamilton! What if I picked the wrong one? What if they sent her to another? Gah. I went to the General straight from the GO Station. I took a cab. If mom wasn't there, I'd go home and hope she left a note. If not, I'd call every hospital in town until I found her. This was my plan.
Thankfully, she was at the General. I found her in an observation room in Emergency. They had admitted her and swept her away as soon as she arrived. For all the cut backs, sometimes, sometimes they get it very right.
When I talk to mom, she's shocked I came! o.0 Oh mom, she has absolutely no idea how much me all love her. Until I saw her, my heart was in my throat thinking I might have lost her -- not the last time I'd feel that way in this ordeal.
She looked pretty good, she had colour, she was talking, trying to take care of me - she was till my mom. She was still here. whew. But she was shaking. Scared I think really.
She tells me she had a heart attack, Friday night. 2am to 4am, Saturday morning, really. She was in so much pain she was scared to move. She thought she was going to die. She said if she'd had paper and a pen, she'd have written me a letter. o.0 I'm getting married in October, she didn't want me to not have a wedding if she didn't make it through the night. Jesus. She didn't even tell Pa until 11am the next morning!!
She refused to go to the hospital. Her eldest daughter was staying with them, she was going to visit her late husband's family in Calgary Monday, and getting a flight out of Hamilton airport. My Aunt tried to get mom to go to the hospital. Pa tried. No go. Finally they got her to agree to call Dr. Roy, our GP, Monday morning. But she didn't slow down! She went grocery shopping, she did laundry, she went to church, christ, she even vacuumed the living floor Monday morning. o.0
o.0
Pa had to hound her to even get her to call Dr. Roy! Finally she did. Pa then had to push to find out what Dr. Roy said. He told her to go to the hospital. NOW. Yeah. Geez Mom!
So, she's admitted to the hospital, much to her dismay. I stay in Hamilton - of course. Everyone's asking me how long I'm staying. I say, until mom is better. How could I leave?! Also, my Pa is 84. He's more capable than he lets on, but he still doesn't know which meds to take when, or even which are his or mom's. I can't leave him alone! They raised me. I'm not going anywhere until mom's home and okay.
In all this I learn she had a heart attack seven years ago! But it was no where near as bad she says. She did go to the hospital then, but they didn't test her as thoroughly, and said she was fine. o.0 My bet it she wasn't really fine, it just wasn't as obvious then.
They did all kinds of tests. We learn she did have a heart attack, and that there was damage to her heart, but they don't know how much. They schedule a angioplasty for the Wednesday, which was as soon as they could. There was this wonderful young female doctor, I wish I could remember her name! She was amazing. I really liked her. I can picture her face perfectly, but her name, I'm at a loss. doh. I'm not too positive, but I believe she was a cardiac specialist resident. She didn't look more than 28. She was a full doctor, but she had a boss, which is why I'm thinking resident. If she's the future of medicine, we don't have anything to worry about, I tell you what. Smart as a whip, friendly, caring, so so so good at explaining things! Oh, I can't speak well enough of her.
Anyway! The lovely doctor explains that they'll inject a die into one of mom's arteries, and take 'pictures' of her heart to see how it looks. If there is damage/partial blockage to one of her arteries that supplies blood to the heart muscle, which they believe there is, they will put a balloon in to compress the blockage, and then put a stint in to keep it open.
We don't find out until Wednesday night what they did/found. What a long ass day waiting! omg! My Aunt Alice and I go in to see mom Wednesday night. We meet Aunt Christine just leaviing, she's a mess. Crying, distraught. She tells us there is a LOT of damage to mom's heart. Way more than they or we thought. They couldn't fix it that way. But they can do something right, we ask. There has to be something else they can do? Right? Aunt Christine tells us all three of mom's arteries are blocked, and the only option is surgery, but mom doesn't want to do it. We all freaked out. Tears streamed down our faces. We shook. We sobbed. I thought my knees where going to give out. All three? All three blocked? Well she has to do it, I say. We'll convince her Alice and I tell Christine. We're all mom's daughters. We won't lose her. Not without a fight.
Aunt Alice and I wipe away our tears. Blow our noses. Put on our brave faces, and go to see mom. We see the drawing the doctor did of her heart. This doctor being the boss of the wonderful lady I mentioned above. He did the angioplasty. He even came by while we were there to explain to us how blocked her heart is. One of her arteries is blocked solid all the way along. The second is 80% blocked! The third is fully blocked in two places, making it unusable. Her entire heart is running on 20% of the capacity of ONE of her veins. Oh my fucking god. The doctor said they're really surprised she's still waling around. Woah. He said he's done what he can, and has referred mom to a surgeon, who will come talk to her soon.
Mom is still adamant that she doesn't want to do it at this point. She says everyone that has it done spends a year being an invalid, in pain, unable to do anything, then dies. She doesn't want that. My heart was in my throat again. I tell her to at least wait until she hears what the surgeon says before she makes a decision. Aunt Alice tells her about her husband's golf buddy who has had two heart surgeries, ten years apart, and he's fine. He's out playing golf! We try to tell mom medicine has come a long way, it doesn't have to be like that. Aunt Alice reminds her of all the great grandchildren that are going to be born in the next year - 3 more! She wants to be around to see them, doesn't she? I tell her, I'm getting married in October! She has to be there. The only reason I'm having a wedding is - my heart catches in my throat as I try to finish my sentence. I let the tears come and try again. The only reason I'm having a wedding is because I want you there mom, I tell her as I squeeze her hand. We beg her to at least not decide until she talk to the doctor.
I know my mom, if she makes up her mind, she's not going to change it. She's the most stubborn, strong willed person I know. So all I ask of her is not to decide. In my head I pray to Fria. It's been a long time, but she's the only one that's every answered. With all my heart and soul, I pray my mom just listens, just waits to decide until she knows all the facts.
We leave mom hours later, having at least gotten her to promise not to make up her mind until she talks to the doctor. Now we have to go home and tell grandpa. How are we going to tell him, we ask each other. Aunt Alice wants to wait till morning. She doesn't want to worry him. But he's already worried. This is his wife. He's been worried since Saturday morning. I decide, if he's up, we tell him. He has to know.
When we get home, poor Pa is beside himself. We left hours ago! What happened he asks. I say lets go and sit down. I can't tell him standing up. I almost fell down when I heard, I don't want him loosing his feet! So we tell him. He's just as shocked as we are. We all three agree we have to convince her. She has to do it. She just has to. We can't loose her. Pa says he'd be lost without her. And you know, it's so true. They've spent the last 63 years together! I can't even fathom it.
When Pa and I go in the next morning, we're ready for a fight. We are going to convince her. But when we get there, she's already decided she has to do it. Thank the gods. They are keeping her in the hospital - there was some question last night as to what they were going to do with her. They're keeping her until they can do the surgery. They've got it scheduled for Monday afternoon, the soonest they can manage it.
We meet the surgeon on Friday. I say we because it was Aunt Alice, myself, and uncle Russell. He tells us they are going to take veins from mom's legs, and maybe her arms, and replace the blocked arteries. Mom's heart muscle is very strong, but because there is so many blockages, it makes things slightly more risky. Yet again my heart is in my throat waiting for him to tell us the percentages. I'm thinking he'll say there's a 30% chance of her dying. I'm scared, and yet, I'll take those odds. If she doesn't do it, she might live a few days or a few months, but she won't be with us long. Dr. Lami (his name I remember because I saw it written a few times) tells us there is a 5% chance mom could have a heart attack or stroke during the surgery. Only 5%! That's a 95% chance of success I tell mom! That's great! I'll take those odds!
Mom seemed pretty stable, so I go home to visit Chris. I'd called him every night. I fell apart talking to him more than once. He was my rock. He tole me I was his wife. In sickness and in health. That's what he was there for. Sweet man. I needed to see him. I needed to spend some times with my friends. I felt a lot better coming home Sunday after some time with my beloved. He even came home with me to see my mommy. I told him he didn't have to. He said I sounded just like my mom (who I had been complaining was trying to take care of everyone but herself). Yeah. Caught. So he came home with me.
Everyone came to visit mom that Sunday. Alice, her hubby, her eldest son and his girlfriend. Christine and her youngest son, her eldest daughter, her hubby and daughter had already been in I believe. Her daughter Beatrice who hadn't really been talking to mom for. well, years. How good it was to see her there! I know just how much it meant to mom. Even two of mom's great-grandchildren who were visiting Hamilton, came in. Heck, even one of her daughters that lives in New Brunswick, came up with her husband to see mom!!
Monday Morning Aunt Alice came over around 9am, saying she was going to the hospital to see mom, she couldn't wait any longer. Pa went up with Rick and Doris (our N.B. travellers). Aunt Alice had said she was going to come back. I wasn't in a hurry. I'm just so not a morning person. But I was ready by 10 am, and wondering if Aunt Alice really was coming back. I had the phone in my hand and was looking for her cell number when she called. She said they were prepping mom for surgery and if I wanted to see her I better hurry. I called a cab as soon as I hung up with here. Heart in my throat again. I was feeling like it might just take up permanent residence there. I just had to see her. I had to. Oh gods. I couldn't miss her.
When I got to the hospital, I asked Information where she was, in case they'd moved her. I went to the bank of the slowest moving elevators I've ever had to deal with. There was none near the main floor. Screw this, I thought. It's only two floor ups, I can do those stairs. I have bad knees. Stairs in general just don't like me. On bad days my knees scream even going down, and up is always worse. But I just didn't care. I had to see my mom. I could take a little pain, hell, I could take a lot. I ran up the stairs as fast as I could. It took all I had not to run through the hallways. Actually, I was pretty winded, the main floor and one above it are extra tall, so it was more like three flights of stairs.
Mom was just coming out of the bathroom when I got there. She'd just had a bath. They already had the bed in the hall that they were taking her downstairs to surgery in! Jeez! Aunt Alice apologized for leaving me. She's such a sweetheart. She felt bad I was left without a way to the hospital. That's what cabs are for I told her. It's no big deal. I got to give my mom a hug. That's what was important. I told her she was the bravest woman I know. Alice, Pa, Doris and I all got to take the huge patient elevator downstairs with mom. Pa and I went into the surgery prep room and said our "I love you"s.
You know, if mom hadn't been in the hospital that weekend we would have lost her then. She had a few small attacks over the weekend. But she was getting better at telling the nurses when she had a problem. In the week she'd been in the hospital there had been an army of Hazeltons come to visit her. And we all told her the same thing: you have to TELL US when something is wrong! Geez. So she was slowly getting better at it. It's a hard habit to break. I have it too, I know. But things work out better when you tell people you aren't feeling well. Especially when you are in the hospital - they can do something about it.
They kicked us out at 1pm. They asked who the representative for the family was going to be when Pa and I were with her. I looked at mom. I said, she's always our rep. Who do you want mom, I asked. She said I better do it. Usually it would be the husband, but Pa is hard of hearing, and can't understand people with accents, like at all. It's best to be me. Same number, and then I can tell him, and everyone else. They tell us Dr. Lami will come see us in the heart investigation waiting room, at 5pm. We plan to be back there by 4:30pm. We don't want to miss him!
Alice, Pa and I end up arriving by 4:20pm. Just before 5pm Doris, Rick and Jean(another of mom's daughters) show up. Uncle Russell shows up just after 5pm. Our doctor is a no show, but we learn they didn't take her into surgery until 2pm, an hour later than planned. Richard, Aunt Barb's youngest arrives around 6pm. Felicia, Aunt Chistine's eldest daughter, arrives just after him. At 6:40pm, Dr. Lami finally comes to see us. He tells us the surgery went 'reasonably well'. Mom is being prepped for a blood transfusion. She's a little woman, with little veins, it was technically challenging, Dr. Lami said, but he's happy with the results. When can we see her, we all want to know. He said we should wait 40 minutes or so for them to to the transfusion and move her to the ICU. Then we can go to the ICU waiting room and call ICU West to see if we can see her. But only two of us can go in at a time he warns us.
Richard leaves, he has to go take care of his family. I can't remember if Felicia left just after him or not. Doh. Aunt Christine found us at some point. I think we'd moved to the ICU waiting room by the time she caught up with us. After we got the news Jean and Doris went for a walk. I think Alice and Pa just went to the other waiting room. I went for some food, I was freaking staring, and I had to take my meds. Taking them on an empty stomach would have been a bad idea. I wanted to call Chris, but I don't have a cell phone, I couldn't remember our 905 number, and calling our 416 would be $5 on a pay phone. And I really didn't feel comfy sticking my VISA in a pay phone.
We called 45 minutes after seeing Dr. Lami. They were still working with mom, and we couldn't see her. They asked us to call back in another 40 minutes. When we called back, they let us all come in to see her. She was in a bed near a window. She had tubes down her throat. She had needles hooked into her, and tubes everywhere. She was covered in this odd moving blanket. She was soooooo swollen. None of us had ever seen her look like this before. Pa nearly fell over when he saw her. Thank goodness he had three of his girls beside him. They kept him standing. All them with tears in their eyes, streaming down their face. It occured to me then that they were all the same height, the same small frame. I wasn't crying. She was still with us! She was here. She made it. The ICU nurse explained the odd blanket was keeping her warm with warm air. She'd had two blood transfusions. She was on lots of drugs, for pain, to help her heart work, all sorts. The nurse said she'd woken up, and squeezed their hand when they asked, and that now she was resting - they'd put her out.
Her first night was a little rough. Tuesday morning they did more tests, and found out that either during or soon after her surgery she'd had another attack and had done damage to the back of her heart. She was on lots of drugs to let her heart rest as much as it could, so her heart could heal. Scared. So very very scared. I didn't find all this out until Tuesday night or was it Wednesday? I think it was Wednesday that I learned all this. Yes, Wednesday. She was still the same, still needing lots of support. Still with the damaged heart. Jesus.
I was so scared I called Chris with no pretense even of not crying. I was so scared I was going to lose her. After all this and we were going to lose her. I couldn't lose her! I just couldn't. Heart in my throat. Tears streaming down my face. I needed him. I asked Chris to come to Hamilton, or maybe I begged, my heart was begging, I'm not sure what words were coming out; if he could swing it with work, that is. I was so scared. So very very scared.
I think it was Thursday when Chris came down to see mom. Pa and I went to the hospital in the morning and Chris met me there. We went up to see mom. He told mom he wanted her at his wedding, that he was expecting her there. She squeezed his hand. She was still hooked up to so many tubes, and that horrible tube down her throat! But she was doing better. She was stable now.
I didn't go home that weekend, Chris was sick. But mom had her tube out of her throat by Friday, and was telling me to go! I was not about to risk getting sick. I told her I was staying and why so she wouldn't worry about me. She's all hooked up, just had open heart surgery, and she's worried about me! That's my mom. I love her, and sometimes she makes me crazy.
It was a full week before she was out of ICU. But by that Saturday she was home! I left Friday to visit Chris. Mom had said they didn't think they were letting her out until next week, but she called me Saturday afternoon to tell me she was home! She told me Alice was there, did some laundry, had bought her some groceries, and that she didn't want for anything. So I came home Sunday as planned. You know, I was shocked to see her up and walking around the house. Go mom!
She's still recovering. It's a long ass road. I've been spending my weekends in Toronto and my weeks in Hamilton taking care of my parents as much as they'll let me. Mom can shower all by herself, cook dinner for her and Pa, fill both their pill cases, order prescription refills, all sorts, but she isn't leaving the house, she not that well yet. I think she's doing great! All I really do is get groceries, and do laundry, as that's in the basement.
We're working on plan to get the washer and dryer upstairs. I am finally moving out of my bedroom. Really, we're just playing tetris with the house. Most of my clothes and stuff are going up into the attic. I'm giving Pa my chair, TV, VCR, and DVD player, and letting him borrow the armour it's in. I think at some point I might want the armour back, but that might not be for many years. We're going to take apart my bed, put the frame up int he attic, and the mattress in what is no Pa's room. He'll get my room. And his room can be a pantry/laundry room I think. So much to do. Mom is thinking we don't need to move stuff up from downstairs, but frig, when I'm there I go up and down those stairs about 14 times a day! She can't be doing that. Dr. Lami said when she came home she wouldn't have any restrictions on what she could do, but how well she is makes restrictions. I'm not sure she can handle doing that many stairs! And why should she if she doesn't have to? So yeah, that's where I've been for the past month.
I have always been very very grateful to have my parents as my parents. They took me in when they didn't have to. They loved me and raised me like their own. They spoiled me, loved me, and taught me how to love, and what was really important in life. I'm so very lucky to have them. And after all this, I feel even more lucky. My mommy is going to be at my wedding. My guest of honour.
I told Chris, when we can, I want to donate to the Canadian Heart and Stroke Foundation. And I want to keep doing it. If it wasn't for them, for organizations like them, my mom would not be with us. There just isn't anything more valuable to me. I still have my mommy. And I'm hoping I'll get to keep her for many more years to come.
May 26th I was planning to go to Hamilton to visit my parents and get my monthly allergy shot. I get a call from my mom. I didn't answer because, well, I was exhausted and still in bed trying to actually sleep. When I got up, about twenty minutes later, I listened to the message.
My mom called to tell me to bring my keys because her and Pa weren't going to be home - Pa was taking her to the hospital. But I shouldn't worry. She was fine. A little shaky, but that was just nerves. o.0
o.0
I messaged Chris as work, nearly in a panic. Mom hates hospitals, she would not go there on a whim. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I got ready in record time and went to the only hospital I could imagine mom going to - the General. She just told me 'the hospital'. There are lots of hospitals in Hamilton! What if I picked the wrong one? What if they sent her to another? Gah. I went to the General straight from the GO Station. I took a cab. If mom wasn't there, I'd go home and hope she left a note. If not, I'd call every hospital in town until I found her. This was my plan.
Thankfully, she was at the General. I found her in an observation room in Emergency. They had admitted her and swept her away as soon as she arrived. For all the cut backs, sometimes, sometimes they get it very right.
When I talk to mom, she's shocked I came! o.0 Oh mom, she has absolutely no idea how much me all love her. Until I saw her, my heart was in my throat thinking I might have lost her -- not the last time I'd feel that way in this ordeal.
She looked pretty good, she had colour, she was talking, trying to take care of me - she was till my mom. She was still here. whew. But she was shaking. Scared I think really.
She tells me she had a heart attack, Friday night. 2am to 4am, Saturday morning, really. She was in so much pain she was scared to move. She thought she was going to die. She said if she'd had paper and a pen, she'd have written me a letter. o.0 I'm getting married in October, she didn't want me to not have a wedding if she didn't make it through the night. Jesus. She didn't even tell Pa until 11am the next morning!!
She refused to go to the hospital. Her eldest daughter was staying with them, she was going to visit her late husband's family in Calgary Monday, and getting a flight out of Hamilton airport. My Aunt tried to get mom to go to the hospital. Pa tried. No go. Finally they got her to agree to call Dr. Roy, our GP, Monday morning. But she didn't slow down! She went grocery shopping, she did laundry, she went to church, christ, she even vacuumed the living floor Monday morning. o.0
o.0
Pa had to hound her to even get her to call Dr. Roy! Finally she did. Pa then had to push to find out what Dr. Roy said. He told her to go to the hospital. NOW. Yeah. Geez Mom!
So, she's admitted to the hospital, much to her dismay. I stay in Hamilton - of course. Everyone's asking me how long I'm staying. I say, until mom is better. How could I leave?! Also, my Pa is 84. He's more capable than he lets on, but he still doesn't know which meds to take when, or even which are his or mom's. I can't leave him alone! They raised me. I'm not going anywhere until mom's home and okay.
In all this I learn she had a heart attack seven years ago! But it was no where near as bad she says. She did go to the hospital then, but they didn't test her as thoroughly, and said she was fine. o.0 My bet it she wasn't really fine, it just wasn't as obvious then.
They did all kinds of tests. We learn she did have a heart attack, and that there was damage to her heart, but they don't know how much. They schedule a angioplasty for the Wednesday, which was as soon as they could. There was this wonderful young female doctor, I wish I could remember her name! She was amazing. I really liked her. I can picture her face perfectly, but her name, I'm at a loss. doh. I'm not too positive, but I believe she was a cardiac specialist resident. She didn't look more than 28. She was a full doctor, but she had a boss, which is why I'm thinking resident. If she's the future of medicine, we don't have anything to worry about, I tell you what. Smart as a whip, friendly, caring, so so so good at explaining things! Oh, I can't speak well enough of her.
Anyway! The lovely doctor explains that they'll inject a die into one of mom's arteries, and take 'pictures' of her heart to see how it looks. If there is damage/partial blockage to one of her arteries that supplies blood to the heart muscle, which they believe there is, they will put a balloon in to compress the blockage, and then put a stint in to keep it open.
We don't find out until Wednesday night what they did/found. What a long ass day waiting! omg! My Aunt Alice and I go in to see mom Wednesday night. We meet Aunt Christine just leaviing, she's a mess. Crying, distraught. She tells us there is a LOT of damage to mom's heart. Way more than they or we thought. They couldn't fix it that way. But they can do something right, we ask. There has to be something else they can do? Right? Aunt Christine tells us all three of mom's arteries are blocked, and the only option is surgery, but mom doesn't want to do it. We all freaked out. Tears streamed down our faces. We shook. We sobbed. I thought my knees where going to give out. All three? All three blocked? Well she has to do it, I say. We'll convince her Alice and I tell Christine. We're all mom's daughters. We won't lose her. Not without a fight.
Aunt Alice and I wipe away our tears. Blow our noses. Put on our brave faces, and go to see mom. We see the drawing the doctor did of her heart. This doctor being the boss of the wonderful lady I mentioned above. He did the angioplasty. He even came by while we were there to explain to us how blocked her heart is. One of her arteries is blocked solid all the way along. The second is 80% blocked! The third is fully blocked in two places, making it unusable. Her entire heart is running on 20% of the capacity of ONE of her veins. Oh my fucking god. The doctor said they're really surprised she's still waling around. Woah. He said he's done what he can, and has referred mom to a surgeon, who will come talk to her soon.
Mom is still adamant that she doesn't want to do it at this point. She says everyone that has it done spends a year being an invalid, in pain, unable to do anything, then dies. She doesn't want that. My heart was in my throat again. I tell her to at least wait until she hears what the surgeon says before she makes a decision. Aunt Alice tells her about her husband's golf buddy who has had two heart surgeries, ten years apart, and he's fine. He's out playing golf! We try to tell mom medicine has come a long way, it doesn't have to be like that. Aunt Alice reminds her of all the great grandchildren that are going to be born in the next year - 3 more! She wants to be around to see them, doesn't she? I tell her, I'm getting married in October! She has to be there. The only reason I'm having a wedding is - my heart catches in my throat as I try to finish my sentence. I let the tears come and try again. The only reason I'm having a wedding is because I want you there mom, I tell her as I squeeze her hand. We beg her to at least not decide until she talk to the doctor.
I know my mom, if she makes up her mind, she's not going to change it. She's the most stubborn, strong willed person I know. So all I ask of her is not to decide. In my head I pray to Fria. It's been a long time, but she's the only one that's every answered. With all my heart and soul, I pray my mom just listens, just waits to decide until she knows all the facts.
We leave mom hours later, having at least gotten her to promise not to make up her mind until she talks to the doctor. Now we have to go home and tell grandpa. How are we going to tell him, we ask each other. Aunt Alice wants to wait till morning. She doesn't want to worry him. But he's already worried. This is his wife. He's been worried since Saturday morning. I decide, if he's up, we tell him. He has to know.
When we get home, poor Pa is beside himself. We left hours ago! What happened he asks. I say lets go and sit down. I can't tell him standing up. I almost fell down when I heard, I don't want him loosing his feet! So we tell him. He's just as shocked as we are. We all three agree we have to convince her. She has to do it. She just has to. We can't loose her. Pa says he'd be lost without her. And you know, it's so true. They've spent the last 63 years together! I can't even fathom it.
When Pa and I go in the next morning, we're ready for a fight. We are going to convince her. But when we get there, she's already decided she has to do it. Thank the gods. They are keeping her in the hospital - there was some question last night as to what they were going to do with her. They're keeping her until they can do the surgery. They've got it scheduled for Monday afternoon, the soonest they can manage it.
We meet the surgeon on Friday. I say we because it was Aunt Alice, myself, and uncle Russell. He tells us they are going to take veins from mom's legs, and maybe her arms, and replace the blocked arteries. Mom's heart muscle is very strong, but because there is so many blockages, it makes things slightly more risky. Yet again my heart is in my throat waiting for him to tell us the percentages. I'm thinking he'll say there's a 30% chance of her dying. I'm scared, and yet, I'll take those odds. If she doesn't do it, she might live a few days or a few months, but she won't be with us long. Dr. Lami (his name I remember because I saw it written a few times) tells us there is a 5% chance mom could have a heart attack or stroke during the surgery. Only 5%! That's a 95% chance of success I tell mom! That's great! I'll take those odds!
Mom seemed pretty stable, so I go home to visit Chris. I'd called him every night. I fell apart talking to him more than once. He was my rock. He tole me I was his wife. In sickness and in health. That's what he was there for. Sweet man. I needed to see him. I needed to spend some times with my friends. I felt a lot better coming home Sunday after some time with my beloved. He even came home with me to see my mommy. I told him he didn't have to. He said I sounded just like my mom (who I had been complaining was trying to take care of everyone but herself). Yeah. Caught. So he came home with me.
Everyone came to visit mom that Sunday. Alice, her hubby, her eldest son and his girlfriend. Christine and her youngest son, her eldest daughter, her hubby and daughter had already been in I believe. Her daughter Beatrice who hadn't really been talking to mom for. well, years. How good it was to see her there! I know just how much it meant to mom. Even two of mom's great-grandchildren who were visiting Hamilton, came in. Heck, even one of her daughters that lives in New Brunswick, came up with her husband to see mom!!
Monday Morning Aunt Alice came over around 9am, saying she was going to the hospital to see mom, she couldn't wait any longer. Pa went up with Rick and Doris (our N.B. travellers). Aunt Alice had said she was going to come back. I wasn't in a hurry. I'm just so not a morning person. But I was ready by 10 am, and wondering if Aunt Alice really was coming back. I had the phone in my hand and was looking for her cell number when she called. She said they were prepping mom for surgery and if I wanted to see her I better hurry. I called a cab as soon as I hung up with here. Heart in my throat again. I was feeling like it might just take up permanent residence there. I just had to see her. I had to. Oh gods. I couldn't miss her.
When I got to the hospital, I asked Information where she was, in case they'd moved her. I went to the bank of the slowest moving elevators I've ever had to deal with. There was none near the main floor. Screw this, I thought. It's only two floor ups, I can do those stairs. I have bad knees. Stairs in general just don't like me. On bad days my knees scream even going down, and up is always worse. But I just didn't care. I had to see my mom. I could take a little pain, hell, I could take a lot. I ran up the stairs as fast as I could. It took all I had not to run through the hallways. Actually, I was pretty winded, the main floor and one above it are extra tall, so it was more like three flights of stairs.
Mom was just coming out of the bathroom when I got there. She'd just had a bath. They already had the bed in the hall that they were taking her downstairs to surgery in! Jeez! Aunt Alice apologized for leaving me. She's such a sweetheart. She felt bad I was left without a way to the hospital. That's what cabs are for I told her. It's no big deal. I got to give my mom a hug. That's what was important. I told her she was the bravest woman I know. Alice, Pa, Doris and I all got to take the huge patient elevator downstairs with mom. Pa and I went into the surgery prep room and said our "I love you"s.
You know, if mom hadn't been in the hospital that weekend we would have lost her then. She had a few small attacks over the weekend. But she was getting better at telling the nurses when she had a problem. In the week she'd been in the hospital there had been an army of Hazeltons come to visit her. And we all told her the same thing: you have to TELL US when something is wrong! Geez. So she was slowly getting better at it. It's a hard habit to break. I have it too, I know. But things work out better when you tell people you aren't feeling well. Especially when you are in the hospital - they can do something about it.
They kicked us out at 1pm. They asked who the representative for the family was going to be when Pa and I were with her. I looked at mom. I said, she's always our rep. Who do you want mom, I asked. She said I better do it. Usually it would be the husband, but Pa is hard of hearing, and can't understand people with accents, like at all. It's best to be me. Same number, and then I can tell him, and everyone else. They tell us Dr. Lami will come see us in the heart investigation waiting room, at 5pm. We plan to be back there by 4:30pm. We don't want to miss him!
Alice, Pa and I end up arriving by 4:20pm. Just before 5pm Doris, Rick and Jean(another of mom's daughters) show up. Uncle Russell shows up just after 5pm. Our doctor is a no show, but we learn they didn't take her into surgery until 2pm, an hour later than planned. Richard, Aunt Barb's youngest arrives around 6pm. Felicia, Aunt Chistine's eldest daughter, arrives just after him. At 6:40pm, Dr. Lami finally comes to see us. He tells us the surgery went 'reasonably well'. Mom is being prepped for a blood transfusion. She's a little woman, with little veins, it was technically challenging, Dr. Lami said, but he's happy with the results. When can we see her, we all want to know. He said we should wait 40 minutes or so for them to to the transfusion and move her to the ICU. Then we can go to the ICU waiting room and call ICU West to see if we can see her. But only two of us can go in at a time he warns us.
Richard leaves, he has to go take care of his family. I can't remember if Felicia left just after him or not. Doh. Aunt Christine found us at some point. I think we'd moved to the ICU waiting room by the time she caught up with us. After we got the news Jean and Doris went for a walk. I think Alice and Pa just went to the other waiting room. I went for some food, I was freaking staring, and I had to take my meds. Taking them on an empty stomach would have been a bad idea. I wanted to call Chris, but I don't have a cell phone, I couldn't remember our 905 number, and calling our 416 would be $5 on a pay phone. And I really didn't feel comfy sticking my VISA in a pay phone.
We called 45 minutes after seeing Dr. Lami. They were still working with mom, and we couldn't see her. They asked us to call back in another 40 minutes. When we called back, they let us all come in to see her. She was in a bed near a window. She had tubes down her throat. She had needles hooked into her, and tubes everywhere. She was covered in this odd moving blanket. She was soooooo swollen. None of us had ever seen her look like this before. Pa nearly fell over when he saw her. Thank goodness he had three of his girls beside him. They kept him standing. All them with tears in their eyes, streaming down their face. It occured to me then that they were all the same height, the same small frame. I wasn't crying. She was still with us! She was here. She made it. The ICU nurse explained the odd blanket was keeping her warm with warm air. She'd had two blood transfusions. She was on lots of drugs, for pain, to help her heart work, all sorts. The nurse said she'd woken up, and squeezed their hand when they asked, and that now she was resting - they'd put her out.
Her first night was a little rough. Tuesday morning they did more tests, and found out that either during or soon after her surgery she'd had another attack and had done damage to the back of her heart. She was on lots of drugs to let her heart rest as much as it could, so her heart could heal. Scared. So very very scared. I didn't find all this out until Tuesday night or was it Wednesday? I think it was Wednesday that I learned all this. Yes, Wednesday. She was still the same, still needing lots of support. Still with the damaged heart. Jesus.
I was so scared I called Chris with no pretense even of not crying. I was so scared I was going to lose her. After all this and we were going to lose her. I couldn't lose her! I just couldn't. Heart in my throat. Tears streaming down my face. I needed him. I asked Chris to come to Hamilton, or maybe I begged, my heart was begging, I'm not sure what words were coming out; if he could swing it with work, that is. I was so scared. So very very scared.
I think it was Thursday when Chris came down to see mom. Pa and I went to the hospital in the morning and Chris met me there. We went up to see mom. He told mom he wanted her at his wedding, that he was expecting her there. She squeezed his hand. She was still hooked up to so many tubes, and that horrible tube down her throat! But she was doing better. She was stable now.
I didn't go home that weekend, Chris was sick. But mom had her tube out of her throat by Friday, and was telling me to go! I was not about to risk getting sick. I told her I was staying and why so she wouldn't worry about me. She's all hooked up, just had open heart surgery, and she's worried about me! That's my mom. I love her, and sometimes she makes me crazy.
It was a full week before she was out of ICU. But by that Saturday she was home! I left Friday to visit Chris. Mom had said they didn't think they were letting her out until next week, but she called me Saturday afternoon to tell me she was home! She told me Alice was there, did some laundry, had bought her some groceries, and that she didn't want for anything. So I came home Sunday as planned. You know, I was shocked to see her up and walking around the house. Go mom!
She's still recovering. It's a long ass road. I've been spending my weekends in Toronto and my weeks in Hamilton taking care of my parents as much as they'll let me. Mom can shower all by herself, cook dinner for her and Pa, fill both their pill cases, order prescription refills, all sorts, but she isn't leaving the house, she not that well yet. I think she's doing great! All I really do is get groceries, and do laundry, as that's in the basement.
We're working on plan to get the washer and dryer upstairs. I am finally moving out of my bedroom. Really, we're just playing tetris with the house. Most of my clothes and stuff are going up into the attic. I'm giving Pa my chair, TV, VCR, and DVD player, and letting him borrow the armour it's in. I think at some point I might want the armour back, but that might not be for many years. We're going to take apart my bed, put the frame up int he attic, and the mattress in what is no Pa's room. He'll get my room. And his room can be a pantry/laundry room I think. So much to do. Mom is thinking we don't need to move stuff up from downstairs, but frig, when I'm there I go up and down those stairs about 14 times a day! She can't be doing that. Dr. Lami said when she came home she wouldn't have any restrictions on what she could do, but how well she is makes restrictions. I'm not sure she can handle doing that many stairs! And why should she if she doesn't have to? So yeah, that's where I've been for the past month.
I have always been very very grateful to have my parents as my parents. They took me in when they didn't have to. They loved me and raised me like their own. They spoiled me, loved me, and taught me how to love, and what was really important in life. I'm so very lucky to have them. And after all this, I feel even more lucky. My mommy is going to be at my wedding. My guest of honour.
I told Chris, when we can, I want to donate to the Canadian Heart and Stroke Foundation. And I want to keep doing it. If it wasn't for them, for organizations like them, my mom would not be with us. There just isn't anything more valuable to me. I still have my mommy. And I'm hoping I'll get to keep her for many more years to come.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas to all!
It's Christmas Eve day, and I've got lots to do, so that's all you're getting from me today!
*muah*
*muah*
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Ray of Sunshine
My bestest friend, sent me a ray of sunshine today, all the way from South Korea (which is too far for comfort, if you ask me). Colour me surprised when I went to pick it up at the post office! I thought it was the knitting t-shirt I ordered last week or so, but no. It was a gift from my Neda. It made me cry, it did. She suddenly didn't feel so very far away. Bless her.
What did I get you ask? Why, this:
I recently started watching Buffy again. I torrented the first season, and went to see what it would cost to own it properly. amazon.ca had it on sale. I posted the link to facebook, cause you know, I was so tempted, but I'm not working, and we just bought gym memberships, and such, this was not the month for it. Neda saw it, and decided to get it for me. Sweet, sweet woman!
Buffy had always been our thing, Neda and mine's. We used to watch it together every week, or tape it and watch a few at a time when we got busier with school and such. Neda actually introduced me to Buffy, and convinced me to watch it. I'm so glad she did too, it really is 'full of win' as my new Torontian friends say. But then, I love just about anything with a woman lead that kicks ass. Buffy has a special place in my heart though, because she was the first, the original, ass-kicker.
I'm sitting here hugging the box, almost in tears, thinking about all the good times Neda and I have shared. And that she bothered. She went to the trouble, and spent the money to bring me happiness. That means the world to me it does. She isn't completely gone.
Hope springs eternal. Sometimes at least. :D
What did I get you ask? Why, this:
I recently started watching Buffy again. I torrented the first season, and went to see what it would cost to own it properly. amazon.ca had it on sale. I posted the link to facebook, cause you know, I was so tempted, but I'm not working, and we just bought gym memberships, and such, this was not the month for it. Neda saw it, and decided to get it for me. Sweet, sweet woman!
Buffy had always been our thing, Neda and mine's. We used to watch it together every week, or tape it and watch a few at a time when we got busier with school and such. Neda actually introduced me to Buffy, and convinced me to watch it. I'm so glad she did too, it really is 'full of win' as my new Torontian friends say. But then, I love just about anything with a woman lead that kicks ass. Buffy has a special place in my heart though, because she was the first, the original, ass-kicker.
I'm sitting here hugging the box, almost in tears, thinking about all the good times Neda and I have shared. And that she bothered. She went to the trouble, and spent the money to bring me happiness. That means the world to me it does. She isn't completely gone.
Hope springs eternal. Sometimes at least. :D
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