Seriously. I came to Stacie @ Strut Salon, with hair that I'd dyed over twice with box colour (which is, apparently notoriously hard to get out). I also brought two tins of cookies: my ginger molasses cookies, and intense chocolate toffee cookies (from SmittenKitchen.com). Sorry, I don't have pictures of the cookies. I wasn't thinking of that part!
So she lifted as much colour as she could. My hair came out this even medium copper/caramel colour. If I was going for that tone, it was nearly perfect. Colour lifting is rarely that even! So go Stacie!
Then we did an amazing red over it. It came out exactly as I'd hoped!! Omg, sososo pretty! I could do a little dance, I'm so dang happy. And maybe I will before the euphoria wears off. lol.
So the lesson I have learned is: Never never box colour my hair again. The process to fix it really isn't fun, or cheap. Though, honestly, knowing what a pain in the ass (and time consuming!) it would be for Stacie, I thought it would be much more than it was.
I do think the cookies garnished some good will, which is what I'd hoped for, since the colour-adjust didn't win me points. I really do love sharing my baking with people, though. Seeing them enjoy it, is just, well, one of the best feelings ever. Usually I send stuff to work with Chris so I don't get to see reactions. He has started sending me emails with tid bits his co-workers have said, however, which it totally awesome of him; makes my day every time.
(this was my reaction when I saw how red my hair looked in sunlight--super amazing!)
Last winter I was hurting. A lot. Winter is worse for me. Even inside out of the cold, I still hurt more. Maybe I don't get enough sunshine? I don't really know.
Anyway. Point. I started taking more lyrica to combat the pain. I tried 225mg in the morning and at night; it was too much. After a few days my brain was just constantly fuzzy, and I felt kinda high. Like time wasn't moving right, and my brain didn't work. So I backed down to 225mg in the morning and 150mg at night, that seemed to work better. I was only fuzzy the first night, then my body got used to it.
I thought it was helping, and maybe for the winter it did. Ever so subtly though, it stole away my libido. There were other things going on though. I was in a lot of pain. I was stressed out, mostly because of the pain. I was battling depression, all of these things make me want sexy times less.
This November, for NANO, I tried to write a romance. I think I actually got more of a light weight mystery. I had a lot of trouble writing simple attraction, never mind sex scenes. I'll admit the sexy parts have always been the easiest for me, and this November it was like pulling teeth. I barely managed one short one! So not like me. It forced me to realise something was truly wrong.
Around mid summer I'd noticed something was wrong. My brain knew I needed sexy times, that I should want them, but I couldn't get my body interested, hell, I couldn't even get my mind on board. But November was the breaking point. I couldn't deny something was fucking me. Or rather not fucking. There was just way too little fucking going on in my life.
See, my emotional state, depends so very much on my sexual release. If I don't get enough orgasms I get depressed, I hurt more, I'm down on myself, life just sucks. When my libido took a holiday it totally messed with my ability to be happy, to have any kind of energy. My sexual health totally affects my energy levels(oddly more sex=more energy & more ambition), my emotional state of mind, my state of mind period, and my self-image.
I decreased my doses of lyrica in December, to 150mg every 12-ish hours. It took a couple weeks to get the excess out of my body, but I finally got my libido back! I feel like myself again!! I'm less tired more often, and I actually have some motivation - not a lot mind you, but way better than the nothing I had for the past, oh year maybe? Not really sure, it feels like forever though.
I just can't get over what a huge difference it makes in my life, in all aspects of my life. I feel a bit... silly, for how long it took to realise something was well and truly wrong, and then more time to figure out the actual cause.
My body feels one step closer to being my own again. I can't put into words, how... good that feels, what a relief it is to feel more like myself!
Damn Lyrica. It helps sure, but fuck a duck. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the extra weight I've put on, and it store my libido. That's just not cool. I know I'm going to be very careful going forward, that no other medications screw with me again. Only my husband gets to screw me, damnit.
So, it's a new year. Christmas, aka, December was a little crazy, but I did my best to keep things within my abilities. I made lots of cookies for my MIL, and even had enough over for my uncle, and visiting with friends.
I survived xmas shopping! Gods, I hate shopping in December, and what with all of November being devoted to NANO, December starts stressful. I think next year I'm going to start either the baking or the shopping at the end of October. Maybe get some halloween candy for stocking stuffers? LOL.
I watched this video via A girl's guide to taking over the world on the Facebook, it was about middle age women in the UK and how they go crazy over xmas because of all the stress and expectations they put on themselves. Part of it was funny, about how husbands tend to just totally sidestep all the crap we as women deal with.
It made me very glad I didn't go in for all that crap. I couldn't imagine worrying about Christmas for six months of the year!! o.0 I happen to love Christmas - for me it's all about spending time with my loved ones, and of course the cookies!
I really do hate baking with Splenda, BUT I also really love my husband and being able to bake for his mom. She appreciates it - I think it's one of the few times she doesn't have to worry about eating baked goods. But for me, it's about the man I love, and how much he appreciates it. I'd make 100 (actually that's close!) cookies every year to hear that hitch in his voice! aww! Yeah yeah.
Anyway. December. Christmas. It was lovely! We had the in-laws over a few days before Christmas, I cooked a turkey with all the fixings - which turned out fabulous!! We had a nice visit, and exchanged gifts. Then on xmas eve, we went to my parents to spend the night. That's really the gift my husband gives me, he lets me have Christmas with my parents. I'm SUCH a mamma's girl. I just... As long as they are living, I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to be there with them Christmas morning. It just... It wouldn't feel right to do anything else. They're my family, and like I said, that's what Christmas is all about for me.
Chris was off until today, so we had lots of time just relaxing, playing mario party on his new computer via a gamecube emulator, and watching the Doctor Who I got him. There was also lots of TV and knitting for me, and video games for him. A good time was had by all!
Today I cut the fabric for the lining I'm making for his coat - to replace the lining that's well, totally worn out. It took over two hours! o.0 I only cut out 4 pieces, effectively, but it still took forever. Part of the trouble is I don't have a dedicated table, so I took my time making sure everything was as flat and smooth as I could get it. Then cut carefully. Having your fabric well cut is 50% of the work of sewing, and if it's a simple sew, like what I'm doing, it's more like 70% of your effort, so well done!
Now that I've babbled sufficiently, I'm going to make the confession, that prompted this post: I am a huge Pink fan. Huge.
About, oh, ten years ago, when I was dabbling in pop music (again), I fell for her, and then sort of just went to boys and guitars exclusively for years. The other day, I'm not even sure how, in my browsing about Youtube, re-discovered her. Man, she rocks! I so want her, like, last three albums! She's got a great voice, and an even more amazing attitude. I loathe to say it, because usually only douches say it, but, she's fun! She can be serious, and she has the smokey voice to go with it, but, gods help me, she's fun, and I love her for it.
And this video/song has me wanting to sing at the top of my lungs!
Its been a long time coming, but today is a better day.
I slept in, 'cause I needed it. I had rice krispies and bananas for brunch. I talked to my mom for a long time. She let me vent, bless her. And we talked about how she's doing too! It was a good talk. I felt a lot better about things when I got off the phone with her.
I made carrot muffins and curry lentil soup. This took more effort and time than I thought, but so worth it. And I did oh, three sink/racks of dishes. Baking takes a lot of dishes! And cleaning up directly after makes the clean up so much easier. Batter dried to a bowl is a bitch!
I even showered! No really, this is a victory. I thought I'd be too spent, but I managed easily. I just took breaks. And didn't push. Well, I mean, making the muffins and soup was a push on it's own. I felt exhausted when I started. But I needed to do something useful. I feel better when I'm useful.
I always remember when I'm out of the hole, that there is an out, that the darkness isn't all consuming. That I will find hope again. It's just so damn hard to believe that when depression has you in it's claws. I feel like I need to leave my future self a note, to remind me, that no matter how dark it gets, it will get better, it will be light again, and I will see that I am lucky, I'm loved and supported by the ones I love; it could be so much worse. I'm not alone.
Depression is a battle. Living, surviving chronic pain is a battle. Fibromyalgia is a battle. I get overwhelmed, who wouldn't? But I'm fighting. And I'll continue to fight. Even when I don't want to fight anymore, when I'm done, I can't stop fighting, cause it's not just me in this. I've always said I'd walk through hell for my mom, and now, for my husband, for them, I walk through hell. It's for them that I keep fighting, even when I think I'm not. I'm here, and some days, that's enough, that is a victory. Because tomorrow, gods help me, tomorrow is a new day.
The sun will come out tomorrow!
Sorry, couldn't help myself. But you know, it's true. You just have to survive the night, because Ra, Ra will always come.
I'm sore. I ache, but it's not all over. I won back bits of myself. I'm tired, but somehow less tired than I felt on getting up. But best of all, I accomplished something. I beat this bout of depression, and I made yummy foods. Today, I win.
This post is devoted to food I've made recently that I'm proud of.
First, I made thanksgiving dinner, for the first time ever. Everything was made from scratch, and man, was it good!
Here's the Apple Pie. My first, if you can believe it.
I also made my first Carrot Cake for our first anniversary. It was, in a word, magnificent.
Now, clearly, I didn't make/cook this, or rather I don't have a picture of it cooked, but I just had to share it as I think it's really really neat. Yes, neat. It's a pointy cauliflower. It tastes like regular cauliflower, but it's green and pointy. I saw it at the market and couldn't not buy it, it was too neat. Yes neat. I'm a goober.
You know, all my life I've wanted to be great at something. Just once I wanted to be great, at whatever, just something. I've always been good at whatever I studied, but I had to work my ass off to get there. I was an average university student. I made it, it what I say about it. I'm a good writer, I think. Or at least I know I'll be good, but not great.
Well, I've finally found what I'm great at. I'm a great baker and cook. It's like I have golden fingers -- everything I bake turns out fabulously. And it's easy! And I'm learning how to tweak certain kinds of baked goods the way I always do with cooking. It's awesome. I love doing it. And, my mom, I can hear the pride in her voice when we talk baking. She knows I'm awesome at it, and she's actually told others I'm good! :D It's.. it's everything I wanted and more. It won't bring in money (I'm too ill to bake and sell it), but it brings me joy, and my family yummy baked goods. Finally, finally I'm great at something.
Seeing as our wedding was over a year ago now, I thought I'd (finally) share the sea creatures I knit. To be fair, although I knit four octopuses for the kids coming to the wedding in time for the wedding (see above), the ones I knit for Sabrina's kids I finished at the end of July, so not thaaaat long ago.
So let me introduce you!
This is the Mega Kracken I knit for Caleb. He's big and squishy.
This is the wee Kracken I knit for Conner, her youngest. He was sooo excited to see him! Conner jumped up and down with him. I won major points that evening. :)
You can see the size difference here:
Last but certainly not least, this is the octopus I knit for Kiera Bella
As a thank you for my wedding photographer, I knit her a shawl. I used the 'peacock' lace pattern from the Seraphim shawl pattern I bought, though I have seen that same pattern elsewhere on Ravelry. The lady who made the Seraphim shawl had it all nicely laid out in charts, so I followed her pattern.
I used a variated yarn that had blue, green, yellow and brown in it. I didn't like the way the yarn knitted up in stockinette, which is why I just did the lace -- it looks just lovely as lace! I knit three repeats of lace instead of the two Seraphim calls for since I was just knitting the lace. When I got to the end of the last chart I realised didn't have enough yarn to cast off!!! I had quite literally 7 inches of yarn left!!
I also wasn't sure how I wanted to start the shawl so I'd done a provisional cast on. Which meant, I needed yarn to finish that edge as well. Doh.
So, I went to Romni with the scrap of yarn I had from the first time I tried to cast on -- this shawl went through a few cycles of modification since I was winging it. I found a lovely yellow fingering weight superwash wool, that was, if you can believe it, the exact shade of yellow as in the variated wool!! Talk about luck!
So I knit one row in yellow then cast off the bottom. I decided to do three rows of seed stitch on the top (which is what I did on the sides as a boarder), and then cast off in that wonderful yellow. I'd bought two skeins as I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. But when I stretched out the lace, I realised if I made it any larger my little photographer would be swimming in it. Heck, it fit me well enough!
Anyway, now that my photographer has it, I felt I should blog it. I'm really happy with how it turned out! And she says she likes it. I really hope she does... I wasn't sure what to make her....but since she was so impressed with the shawl I made for myself I thought it would be a good bet.
I'm 32 years old today. 32. Where did all the years go? lol.
I honestly never thought I'd be where I am at 32 - happily married, and living in downtown Toronto. Go me!
I also, never thought I'd be chronically ill and unable to work. It's been 4.5 years since I had a full time job! I've worked retail part time since then (the only work I could get), and it was just way too hard on my body. I'm not sure if or when I'll be able to hold down a real job.
On the other hand, we're lucky enough that we can live comfortably on Chris' salary. Things could be a lot worse!
Today I went to buy some cotton yarn to make a tank top for myself. I got a bright green basic cotton. On sale $2.49/ball, and 20% off at Romni, under $30 with tax, and I have more than enough yarn! So excited to get started!
So I've got it in my head to write this cheesy romance story between an older military man and a younger geeky/nerdy civilian woman. As I've already mentioned.
I really wanted the story to take place in Norfolk VA, or Washington DC. NCIS (the show) is based in Norfolk, and there's lots of military types to be had there. I thought it would be a good location for my military love interest.
Trouble is, I wanted my heroine to be from somewhere far enough away that a visit would be a pretty big deal, but not unreasonable. The connection between my characters would be his sister. So my heroine and the sister would go to university together.
This made me start researching US universities. OMFG! The price for ONE YEAR at MIT is more than I paid for all 4 years of university!!! Jesus. How do they do it?? I mean, even if they did get loans, they'd have like $120,000 of debt!! That's just INSANE. INSANE!! So, I can't imagine coming from the kind of money that could afford that. I just can't. I don't understand how anyone but the very rich could ever afford that. That's just... Hell, it would be cheaper to go to school in Canada and pay the international rates than it would to go to many of the US schools. It just boggles my mind.
Anyway, point is, I can't see a where or how for my heroine in the US. And non-us citizens can't get jobs as civilians working with the military, so that connection is out.
I really wanted him to be a marine. I admit it. Gibbs gave me a total hard on for marines. And Semper Fi has just stuck in my head.
So I'm torn as to what to do. Do I just pretend that university isn't insanely expensive and somehow that both women went to MIT and live in Boston? And he's in Norfolk VA as a marine Commander?
Or do I dump Semper Fi, have the women in Toronto (having gone to UofT or McMaster), and him in Ottawa working for the DND perhaps as a Naval attache?
I just.. I don't know what to do... And I can't get over the price of university tuition in the states!
Canada Day was a few days ago, and you know, I'm just so damn glad to be Canadian! I really do love where I live, I have a hard time seeing how I could be happy anywhere else.
Okay, so I had this dream the other night about a Gibbs (Character on NCIS) -- like man and a 30 yr old woman.... He was 40-something, and had two sons. He was a Navy Commander, I believe.... She was very not Navy... They knew each other, somehow, like online emails, not in person... But she comes to visit him and sparks fly. The sparks, oh how hot they were.
I can't really get him out of my head. I'm thinking of writing their story. Or rather inventing it, because there isn't much story to the dream... I mean, I do realise meeting man you thought of as friend, getting all hot and bothered, then fucking him spur of the moment isn't much of a story! I suppose I could do a lot of sexual tension, but I'm more about fulfillment. Besides, I am a terrible flirt, meaning, I'm BAD at it. Like really bad.
So! I was thinking, if this was a cheesy romance novel, what would happen? The woman, or both of them would have to be in some kind of danger, and he/they would have to same her/themselves. This woman isn't in the military, she isn't a cop or a P.I.. she's just your average business type. Everyday Jane, so to speak. What kind of trouble could she get in? Not much. My Navy Commander could be threatened. Maybe he killed some 'terroists' and they want payback, or someone could be blackmailing them to have him endorse their company/product or to embezzle money for them. BUT, if someone wanted to get to the Commander, they would go through his kids, not this woman he'd only just met. That leaves her to be in trouble. Or his kids. They could get themselves messed up in something and the father and woman could do something. BUT if she's just a regular everyday jane, how could she possibly help? She'd have to have some kind of special skills. Maybe a techy that could track the phone calls and find the boys???
The only other possibility I thought of was a stalker. What if she had a stalker, who was like hardcore, and followed her to this other city where the Commander lived. He staked out the house and saw them through the curtains of an upstairs window, naked, and kissing. He goes ballistic, and decides she's betrayed him and has to die. He could bomb her rental car. Try shooting her when she gets the paper in the morning. Take shots at her when she's going to her business meeting, that sort of thing. Then the Commander can be her hero, and catch/kill the stalker.
The other trouble is... Well... I've been watching a LOT of NCIS. So I'm thinking Military, especially Navy.... So do I write these as Americans?? I mean, how much Navy does Canada have. I'm kinda under the impression our Military is tiny and sad....
I'll have to do some wee research on the topic of placement and country.... But I think it could be a lovely, cheesy short story. I'm hoping so anyway. lol.
I can't believe I'm seriously thinking of writing a cheesy romance story!! Gah.
Also, Victoria BC, for the Naval base, OR Ottawa for the Headquarters of National Defense? I originally thought he'd be in Ottawa riding a desk, or maybe training.. But I don't know as they DO training in Ottawa.... They do in BC... And I have no idea what RANK he should have. I was thinking Commander, but that's like WAY up there.... like, running the base up there... I was thinking a leeeetle less high profile than that! Maybe I'll ask for advice.. I do know someone who was a cadet.. Though she'd likely throttle me if I told her why I wanted to know. LOL.
Anyway! Lots to think about! I hope I get some time soon to do some writing!
Did what, you (my fictitious audience) ask? I finally went to the gym. It's been forever. No literally. Like since before the wedding. For the most part, I honestly haven't felt well enough often. And when I DID feel well enough, I used that energy to get groceries, and make soup, or bread or what-have-you.
Today, instead of getting groceries, I went to the gym. I actually managed 30 minutes on the elliptical! For me, that's EPIC. Hell, I didn't think I was going to make it to the first five, never mind thirty. Yay me! And the gym wasn't scary or busy or anything (why I think the gym is scary I do not know, likely anxiety disorder). Everyone there is really nice, which always makes me feel more guilty for not going more often. Does that even make sense? Who knows.
Now I'm exhausted, and really need a nap. I've been up since 5:15am. I laid awake until 6am, then just got up. So it's already been a long day for me. Yesterday felt unbearably long. I have a feeling today and tomorrow will too.
I'm rather looking forward to Tuesday. It's class day, and then I'm going to go visit my parents. I think I might end up staying a few days. I don't see them enough, and I miss them. It's not like Chris will miss me, one way or the other, so why not. I don't get out much, socially. Hell, I don't really have any friends, and the last time I saw any of my acquaintances was three weeks ago now, when everyone lied and said they'd stop by that Saturday... Anyway, my point is, my parents, my mom especially, are some of the very few people I actually talk to. And I need some socialization in the worst way. One thing that truly sucks though, is I so CANNOT talk to my mom about what's really bothering me. I don't have anyone to talk to, and it's killing me, slowly. I was going to make up some emo analogy, but fuck it, it just hurts, and scares me, and makes me long for something I'll just never have again.
I was thinking of going to the Haikim Optical near-ish my doctor's office (allergy needle time) while I was in town, to see what it might cost me for 1 or 2 pairs of glasses, but the sad/scary truth is we just can't afford them. I feel truly stupid for wasting the money getting my eyes tested. My eyes have been bothering me, headaches reading, trouble with distance vision, so I got my eyes tested, not realizing we were so tight for cash I'd never be able to actually use the Rx. *sigh*
So, assignment #4 is 300 words, open. Write anything you want. I didn't know what to write, so I took the advice of my brother-in-law (I still can't believe I have brothers-in-law! Squee!), and wrote about my groping incident on the Bathurst streetcar a little while back.
Without further ado, here it is: (302 words)
An thin, elderly gentleman with a briefcase fought his way to the back of the streetcar. He sat beside Gwen, a tall, round, thirty-something.
“There was an empty seat in front of the pregnant teacher, but he just had to sit beside me,” Gwen thought, irritated, her claustrophobia kicking in.
She glared at him. He tried to speak to her. The sharp, rank scent of booze accosted her. Instantly, she turned away, ignoring him.
The boys in front of Gwen voraciously ate fat cinnamon buns in brown paper bags. The pretty pregnant woman’s eyes sparkled as she talked with the teenagers surrounding them. They laughed and joked with their teacher. Gwen smiled. “Good kids this lot,” she thought.
Gwen froze. Something was touching her; no, someone. She could feel it on the underside of her thigh, through her jeans. She had to be mistaken. No, there it was again. A distinct sweep of fingers ending in a definite grope. Shocked, unable to make eye contact, she looked at the old man. He was reaching across his body under his briefcase to do it. This was no accident.Her stop was soon, maybe she could wait it out.His hand flexed, rubbing the underside of her thigh.
“Nope, can't do it,” she thought, half-panicked.
Too shy to say anything to him, ashamed of her fear, Gwen got up, staring resolutely forward, and walked the length of the streetcar to the driver.
She paused. “Should I say something?” she wondered. The consequences flashed before her. She would inconvenience everyone. “It was only my thigh,” she thought.
Gwen sat in a single seat, behind the driver. The next stop was hers. She got off the streetcar in a daze. Her brain finally catching up, yelled inside her head, "I WAS GROPED ON A STREETCAR!"
So yesterday Chris took the magnificent coconut cake I'd made (minus the few slices we ate) to work. It was gone by 11:30am, which, at far as I can tell from Chris is a good thing. He also said he got lots of "thank you"s, and "thank your wife for the delicious cake" so yay! I really do like it when people like my work, be it cake or knitting or writing or what have you.
Poor Chris has a nasty head cold that seems to be getting worse today. He messaged me to say he was congested and woozy. This is not good news, but the fact I've yet to catch does add to my good day. I want him well, but I also don't want to get sick. I'm not shunning him, just no mouth to mouth kisses until he's better. He still gets hugs and cuddles.
Oh! Which reminds me, on my way home from class, by way of the grocery store, I nearly got run over. Again. Drivers seem to pay such good attention to stop signs on U of T campus, yet two short blocks from there drivers barely pause at four way stops. Makes me crazy! Anyway, I started to cross the street and had to stop because the minivan driver thought he'd take his turn while I and a taxi were crossing his path. I stopped and glared at him. He stopped, rolled down his window and called out "Sorry sweatheart!" I just glared at him, then turn my head and grinned. I smiled full out the rest of my way home. I couldn't help it. He seemed genuinely nice about it, and it's the first time ever I've had a driver acknowledge they were in the wrong. It was kinda nice. But I still have to glare at him, cause I'm a bitch, especially when I'm sore. I haven't yet been rained on today, but boys oh boys is it damp, and my fibro just makes my body sing with pain in the dampness.
Class today also went well. There was kind of quietness about it, likely due in part to the fact that our regular teacher was sick so we had another lady sub in. She was really nice, and helpful and all, but I guess it just wasn't the dynamic we were used to? There was a lot of long silences between one of us reading, and the rest of us collecting our thoughts I think. That's what gave the whole thing a feeling of quiet. The best part for me was everyone seemed to like my piece this time. Yay! They got a good feeling for my main character and what he wanted, but also that he was conflicted, and that they were a new sort of love. All the things I'd hoped I manged to get across. So yay!
One thing that worries me though. There is one member of the class whose writing I really don't care for. I find it, kind of jarring and unfinished. I just don't think it's good. But I can't say that. At the same time I want to.... help her by giving her useful feedback, so she can learn to write better, but I just don't know how to do that, without being.....harsh. I did speak to what confused me, which I hope is helpful. But there is no nice constructive way to say that I feel her writing is....clumsy.
*Sigh*
Realizing today that I just didn't like her writing, but wasn't able to express it, so I tried to pick up on bits and pieces I did like.... The images/scenes she was describing were interesting enough, but the way she described them was less than stellar. Like her words were falling over each other to get out, and ended up falling on the page in a jumbled mess. Yet I managed to sound positive about her piece, and so did everyone else. This makes me wonder how much of what anyone said about my work was real and how much was just...being constructive. Though the woman in question did manage to go away realizing her work wasn't 100% clear to us, which is good. So maybe they did really like my piece this time? I hope so. I still like it anyway.
Now I have to somewhow find the energy to make soup and wash dishes. Almost every dish in our apartment is dirty -- neither Chris nor I has been feeling too great this week. At least I don't hurt at badly today as I did yesterday! Small mercy that!
So I posted my working assignment and Blogger had a moment of FAIL and lost my entry. *Sigh*
Thankfully, I didn't use Blogger to keep my only copy of it. Ha. I just lost the comment. At least I have the email so I know what was said! Thanks Jess for commenting!! <3
So this is what I have so far (the assignment is, in 250 words, to show not tell what a character desires):
A sleek black lexus crawled between vibrant grassy hills on a white gravel road. The tires crunched to a stop in the silence of the cemetery. The car door gleamed in the weak sun as it opened to reveal a three inch, thick-heeled, leather boot attached to a long leg in slim black slacks. Silvie unfolded herself from the low car and slammed the door. Her hands buried deep in the pockets of her short, black trench-coat, she strode across the grass. Her chestnut locks bounced with each step.
Silvie stopped in front of a tall, grey headstone. Her hand shook as she reached for the cold marble. Her tears fell freely. Her fingertips caressed the smooth stone.
"Oh Marty," she breathed. My brave, brave human, she finished in her head. “I should never have let you talk me into it. Never,” she whispered. A succubus demon in love with a human. Of course it ended badly.
Silvie read the tombstone hoping, somehow, it would bring her comfort this time, ‘Beloved husband and father’. She blinked fresh tears. The wind flung her hair in her face. Impatiently she pushed it behind an ear.
“I want to raise our daughter, but…how am I to keep my sanity without you Marty?” She asked in a strangled whisper.
Her knuckles went white as she gripped her own elbows, hugging herself. She longed for arms that would never again hold her. Tears fell in angry grey streaks down her face; her waterproof eyeliner finally failing.
I rather like it, as a thing, but I'm not entirely sure I convey her desire well. I think her desire is a muddled thing. And the one thing I really wanted to convey that I think I fail miserably at, is her utter terror of loosing her sanity again. But, at the same time, this is where this piece wanted to go. I think it makes sense as a stand alone. I hope so anyway.
I think part of the reason my last writing assignment didn't go over as well as I would have like is two fold: (1) I tried to cram too much story in too small a space, resulting in nothing working out well, and (2) I didn't stay true to myself, and what I love writing/reading about -- paranormal romance/life/adventure
So this time, I slipped a little paranormal in there, and I tried to go where the piece wanted me to, what made sense for the word count instead of the founding idea.
Not completely satisfied, I'm working on a second piece, but it's not jelling just yet. And it's no where near as compelling to me as this one is. We'll see. If nothing else the exercise of trying to show not tell is good for me! I tend to expound more than I should, but thankfully not as much as some romance writers!
I just finished this romance book. Took me forever to read it because it was just bad I couldn't handle it in big pieces. The author did way too much expounding, it was ridiculous! Made me feel better about my writing, I tell you what.
Update: So Blogger found my last entry, and snuck it back it, formatting and comment was gone, and the tags were a mess, but the meat of it was there. So not bad for a recovery that was none too elegant on their part. I deleted it, since I no longer needed it. But I thought I should give Blogger credit for getting it back.
Today is the first day of my creative writing class, and I'm nervous. I'm sure it will be fine, but I just can't help the nerves. It's always the details that worry me, not the action. For instance, the first time I traveled alone I was more worried about my luggage being under weight, and if I was going to have to pick it up at LAX, then to re-check it, because my ticket said I might, than I was about the actual traveling alone. heh.
So today, true to form, I'm more worried about being able to find my classroom, what I need to bring, if I'm going to have to prove who I am, than I am the actual class. I guess I figure the class will take care of itself, it's all the details that keep me nervous. Though I am nervous about meeting my classmates, and what they will be like. I don't actually figure on making friends, I'm not very good at that anyway. *sigh* I just hate having to explain myself to people and being judged for my circumstances in life.
I am looking forward to it. I really do want to improve my writing. It's something I've always loved to do, and since I can't do fuck all else with myself at this point, why not give the pipe dream a shot? My mom's comment of, "so you think you can write do you?" really irks me, but then she didn't really think I could finish university and come out the other side with an engineering degree. It's not so much because she didn't think I was smart, more that she never finished any kind of schooling, and I don't think all of her kids finished high school, never mind doing more, so it's just so out of her scope she couldn't fathom it. It took me awhile not to take it personally. I don't think I really understood until I'd graduated and she'd explained part of it to me. She was so genuinely proud of me then, I knew there was no malice in her words before. So I'm know I need to take this the same way. I mean, she even mentioned a friend of my aunt's has a couple children's books published and how unbelievable it is to think we know someone that's a published author. It also helps that she's never read anything I've written as an adult, so she has no way of knowing if I can or can't write.
Anyway, I'm babbling and stalling, and trying to fill my mind with other things so I won't panic, or let my nerves eat me. Gah. It will be fine. I know it will. I just sincerely hope they don't need me to prove who I am. I don't have any ID with my married name on it. I thought my damn health card would be here by now, but noooo. Bah. I really need to get on changing my name with the bank and such. doh.
Okay, so I don't have a picture (yet) as my husband wore them to work, but I finally finished his Christmas gift - a pair of thrum mittens!
I didn't have a pattern for thrum mittens specifically so I had to modify a regular mitten pattern. There was some trial and error - especially with the thumbs, but I did it! And they're even symmetrical/the same size! Ha! Hey, it's only my second pair of mittens ever, I'm really please about that part.
I like them so much I'm thinking of making myself a pair! Though, since I don't generally like cold weather, or more accurately my knees really don't. For my part, I've never had a problem with the cold, I'm a fan of layers, warm boots and bundling up, but now that I have FMS and joint troubles, I just can't take the cold like I used to. So, as a result, I'm not sure when I'd actually be out in weather cold enough to need thrum mittens. Plain mittens, sure, so I think I might knit them in the same lovely black yarn, since I've some left over.
But first I'm going to finish the hat I started for me in the same yarn. It got really cold last winter towards the end there, and I actually needed a warmer hat than my favourite go-to grey one. That grey hat, is a marvel! It's not very thick, wool-wise, but it is so warm! I love that hat. But like I said, I need a warmer one for really windy days. Nothing worse than a cold head! Or ears. I get ear aches from the wind.... So I'll have to find the hat, and the pattern, and so I can take that up again. It's been so long I don't even remember which pattern I finally decided on! ha!
Anyway, when I get pictures of the mittens, I'll share. I'm rather proud of them. Mostly because he loves them so. But also because they were a challenge for me, and are so damn cozy and soft and delicious!
I've finally added some of my wedding pictures to my Flickr account, most so I can share them with the Offbeat Bride Flickr pool. I eventually want to submit my wedding, though I don't think it will be posted.... I was hoping I might make it into the "look at this cool dress" pile though.
What I got was a wonderful surprise! Ariel, of OBB, likes my favourite dress picture! Enough to use it!! Squee! And I'm now on the OBB website! woohoo! (below is the image you are looking for)
So excited by this! So very very excited!
I'm also now showing up in the Flickr Pool, which was the original goal, but seeing my image as first has me really happy, and proud somehow. It's just SO cool after almost a year of reading the site and loving all the wonderful, unique weddings, to see ME as now being inspiration for other brides! Yay!
I most definitely am morbidly obese (that's the clinical term), but damnit, I looked gorgeous on my wedding day! And it's really important to me that other women who are more my size see it's possible to be stunning, and different, and large. And for them to know they aren't the only ones, they aren't alone in it all.
Planning a wedding, preparing to be married, is huge, and can be totally stressful. Suddenly there is this whole section of society some of us never knew existed putting all kinds of demands and expectations on us, to be thinner, prettier, more mainstream, more white, more something. It's so damn important to hear other voices! Voices that say, whatever size, skinny, fat, somewhere in the middle, you will look beautiful! And that plaid taffeta party dress you want for your wedding gown? That will be TOTALLY awesome! Offbeat Bride did that for me, and so many other women. They helped me feel less alone. And they showed me how many different kinds of weddings are out there, right now, happening. I want to give back, I need to.
Sure there are 10,000 photos in the gallery, but how many are fat chicks? How many of those are fat chicks in colour? I know when I was looking a year ago I had a hard time finding a woman that looked anything like me. There were quite a few plumb women, but most of them had boobs bigger than their head, and amazing hour-glass figures - that's so not me. So maybe I'll add something different, maybe not, I mean, 10,000 photos! I know I'm just another drop in the bucket, and I'm totally okay with that, I just want to add another drop!
I've just bought the blanket pattern in my last post from Brookland Tweed, and am about to cast on for the blanket! So excited! Squee!
I forgot just how lovely and bouncy this yarn is! It's going to make a wonderful throw!
Tried to add more repeats because of my thinner yarn.. only to realise I would totally NOT have enough. *sigh* Had to rip back almost a whole ball of yarn. Am only going to add 2 stitches instead, to create a 5 stitch seed boarder instead of 4... Hopefully I will get a decent sized throw.
