Tattoo Ponderings

So I've been thinking about getting another tattoo. For over a year now I've wanted to get the word fight tattooed on my left inner forearm. But I wanted something...more to go with it. Some kind of imagery.

Lately I've been thinking Tigers. Something like this:

Only, I'd want the tigers to, well, for their stripes to actually look like tigers. This would also be too much detail for such a small space, but gives the general idea of black and white cats in a cartoony/simple form.

Very recently however, when trying to... flush out a persona for my writing. Writing I really need to get on doing (Why do I always feel like I don't have enough time?) Anyway! Point is, I said, I spent every day fighting the good fight. Which I think is a very positive way to speak of my battle with pain from FMS, and a whole host of other things. I'm trying not to let the pain win. I'm learning half an hour of sweaty exercise a day actually makes me feel better - as long as I'm not you know, curled up in a ball of pain. So I've been pushing, to get myself more active, and overall, I feel like it's helped.

So, do I get Fight or Fighting the Good Fight?!

I can't.. I'm not sure what I want now. I'm leaning towards Fighting the Good Fight. It.. I think it would have more impact, and would have the added benefit of making more sense to everyone.

Having other visible tattoos, I know I'm going to get asked, buy friends and strangers alike, what my tattoo means. Fighting the Good Fight seems a heck of a lot more self-explanatory.

Thing is, fighting the good fight, is a fairly long phase. It will likely fill up my inner forearm quite nicely. 

But, I've been looking at Lemur's (from Exotix Studios) work, and I'm.. well, I'm smitten. I really love his use of splurges of colour in an otherwise black and white piece, and I want him to do that for me.  I'm just... I'm not sure if the tiger will work, or if it's even really me (the tiger not the phrase).

I'm almost wondering if having the tiger wrap around my forearm, under/around the words would work (artistically) and suit me. I'm.. I'm not sure...

I don't see myself as a tiger person, per say. I'm more of a kitty cat person. Or a big dog person. I'm not fierce. But fierce is exactly what I want the tattoo to convey.

I've been wanting to book a consult for the better part of the month, but.... I'm not totally sure what I want, which I don't think will be helpful. Also, this month has been just one thing after another, either health, or shit that needs to get done. *Sigh*

I just. Flip. I don't know what to think. I miss Neda. I miss having her to bounce ideas off of. I know this is going to sound strange, but she's helped me decide on more than one of my tattoo ideas. And I.. I don't have anyone in my life now that I can do that with. She and I aren't close anymore. Heck, I don't even know what country she's in.

Do I just get Fighting the Good Fight, and leave it plain and simple? Do I get Fight with tigers? Do I go see Lemur and ask advice? I mean, flip, I really feel like I should have more of an idea before going to him.

Also, I'm worried how well I'll take a bigger project. I don't have any pain meds per say. I have meds that help the fibro pain, but I have nothing for migraines, or other headaches, or to help with the tattoo pain. Since developing FMS my sensitivity to pain, of any kind has skyrocketed. It's fucking annoying as hell, let me tell you.

So I don't think getting anything too big is a good idea... but how do I convey the fierceness I want to visually?? How do I put into visuals the grim determination I have to keep fighting? How do I make the tattoo motivational??

I just... I'm not too damn sure.

*sigh*

Wanted:

One Best Friend

For shenanigans, long rambling talks, silly stupid adventures, epic cooking afternoons, heart to wounded-heart confessions, long midnight drives to nowhere (optional).

Must enjoy: joyfully watching children's movies - without children; lazy afternoons at the beach baking in the sun, and swimming until your arms give out; singing GBS (or similar) at the top of your lungs.

Must be flexible/open-minded enough to accept chronically ill, disabled woman as friend.

Kindred Spirits only need apply.

Urban Fantasy

So I finally figured out what the name of my favourite genre is. My favourite genre to read, that is. Urban Fantasy. Kim Harrison and Laurell K Hamilton are icons of the genre, and two of my favourite authors (well, when just considering Laurell's earlier works anyway).

I love fantasy in general I think. I mean, I learned to read with Dr. Seus, and it doesn't get more fantastical than him to me. As a teen, I learned to love reading, and expanded my vocabulary with, what I'll call, traditional fantasy (knights questing on fictional worlds) with David Eddings. Seriously, that man has an amazing vocabulary!

I'm not entirely sure I can write fantasy well, urban or otherwise. The one thing my teacher keeps mentioning is my lovely, poetic word choices. Perhaps I'm a poet at heart? Buried under the years of practical engineering training? LOL. Anyway, where I'm going with this is, I do choose words well, for the most part, but I have so much trouble with everything else. I'm just not good at challenging the status quo. I hate conflict. I'm not good at creating tension. And that's the whole point of telling a story, damnit.

I don't think I could ever write things like Kim Harrison or Laurell K Hamilton does. I love mysteries, and a bit of violence, don't get me wrong, but writing them? I'm hopeless. I'm not a fighter. I'm like the exact opposite. I wouldn't even know where to begin in describing a fight, never mind creating it in my head! As for the mystery part, I love reading them, but I don't actually have any interest in writing them. Does that even make any sense??

So what do I want to write? To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure. All I know is that I have a story in my head, and it's what I want to get out, it's what my brain goes to when it goes quiet, it's what a mull over before I fall asleep, it's what I think of when I look at a blank page. Until this story comes out, until I turn it into a story instead of just a dream, I'm not sure anything else will come out, or matter.

What kind of story is it? Well, I'm not entirely sure yet. Paranormal. That much is certain. Possibly romance, though, of that I'm not certain. I have characters, I have a setting, I have desires, but I'm still not convinced I have a story worth telling. It's still muddy. And it's making me a bit crazy. Maybe I just need to take the time to get more of my thoughts on the matter on the page. I'm not sure. I'm just not sure.

I wish I could talk it over with someone, but.. who? I don't really have friends... certainly not ones willing to listen to be babble about a novella. I could babble at my husband, but he'd just get angry with me, and wouldn't give me any kind of feedback, which is what I need. *Sigh*

Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a writer?

We're Married!!!!

We're married!  We did it!  Yaaaaay!

I don't have any pictures to share because I was too busy getting married to take any! ;)

All my planning and preparations paid off.  Everything went so very smoothly!  Only two tiny things didn't go as planned:

(1) We didn't end up getting my laptop set up so Neda could skype in.  We just didn't have the time.  Though oddly enough we were running ahead of schedule all morning until about 9am.  But then, that's exactly why I have us extra time!  On the plus side Sabrina and Brian were able to record the ceremony with their fancy schamzy new camera, so Neda will get to see it!

(2) The boutoneires I made didn't sit quite right. They were too heavy, in part, and as my Pa pointed out (he is soooo smart!) I put the pins too low, it would have worked better with them higher.  How he knew that I don't know.  I've got such amazing parents, I do!

And that's it really. Everything else went according to plan, or at least worked out just fine, so yay!  And really, as far as what could go wrong, such minor things as did, really aren't a big deal at all. Honestly, I'm thrilled everything went so very smoothly!

The catering manager said this was the easiest wedding she'd done, and I was the nicest,  least bridezilla bride she's ever had to deal with!!  This makes me very happy indeed!  Chris joked about me being bridezilla, but honestly, not so much.  I was my bitchiest as I was waiting for Chris to do up my dress, and while he was doing it.  Mostly because I felt to dang helpless. Doing up my dress, since it's a corset back was something I could most definitely not do myself.  Giving up control bothered me, but mostly being so helpless frustrated me.  Having to stand around waiting for someone to dress me was the oddest feeling ever! So helpless, so indebted.  I like being able to do for myself damnit. lol.

Everyone loved my dress, was impressed with my flowers, even more so when they learned I did them myself! :D  Chris was my cheerleader and helper the whole day through.  People kept complimenting the wedding, and the things I made, and Chris would pipe up 'She made that too', and everyone would be even more amazed! Heh.  I honestly thought people realised I'd made all the things I did, but they always seemed surprised when Chris told them I did it, so yay!  Go me! The crafty bride!  Judy, our photographer told Chris that I was the craftiest bride she's ever done a wedding for!!  How awesome is that?!

One of my oldest friends, Will, who is the other half of Will and Angie (two of my oldest and dearest friends), who has always been kinda like our big brother, and often 'one of the girls', was just totally amazing for us on our wedding day.  He took care of the music, helped up coral people, drove us out to the picture location, stayed and waited to take us back to the hotel.  Got me food and water when we arrived back at the hotel - I was just so thirsty, and really sad we didn't get to even try our hors d'ourves. I totally didn't ask, he just came out with a little plate and a glass of water! My hero!  Chris said then, he really is like an older brother, and he is.  I wouldn't feel right without saying how wonderful he was, he really made things so much easier for us.  He totally stepped up, like he always does 'cause that's the kind of man he is, and I love him to bits for being such a wonderful man. :)

Now to the events in the order they occurred...

The ceremony was an amazing blur for me.  I remember Carole our officiant reading the part about the teapot that I wrote, and smiling at me.  That was awesome.  She really seemed to get it, which thrilled me.

The pictures went off without a hitch, we got to use the most amazing backdrop of fall colours!  A pond, with changing trees behind, oh it was breathtaking!  The pictures of just us were fabulous. It felt like we got a lot done, and honestly, it really felt like we had three hours with Judy, not just the one and a bit we did have, so YAY.  I really can't wait to see the pictures!!

Dinner was lovely, just... lovely.  The tables looked amazing with all my ornamental gourds against the black table clothes.  Everyone seemed to like the hors d'ourves I picked!  Except for the spring rolls; they were not what I expected either, but that's okay, there was more than enough food!  Dinner itself was great.  The buffet worked out really well I think.  And the fact that we had extra space was awesome - the two and three year old had lots of room to play and run around.

Thanks to Sabrina, everyone signed my guest book.  I got smiles and laughs about my octopus comment (the sign I made said if they didn't sign the guest book, the guest book octopus would get them), and the actual knitted octopuses. The four kids, and their parents seemed very pleased that they each got to take one home! So yay!!  My cousin Malcolm, ever the sweetheart, asked me which one was my favourite, and that's the one he picked!

Everyone just loved the cake.  I received lots of compliments on how good it looked, how professional.  Then they ate it, and were blown away by my chocolate cake! YAY!  I cut the chocolate, bottom layer first, so a lot of people didn't get to try the coconut, but that's okay. Even Chris' shy cousin asked, in a kind of awed voice, if I'd made that chocolate cake, and if I made it often!  I said yes, it's my go-to chocolate cake.  He seemed really surprised and impressed! Woohooo!

The flying pigs, though some loved straight off, most didn't get until I explained - I always said I'd get married when pigs fly...  David and Alice have to be some of my most favourite people, they loved the piggies straight off, and didn't need an explanation to make them awesome. :D  David even mentioned that when I'd written on facebook that I was knitting octopuses for the wedding he'd thought 'this wedding is going to be awesome'!  It really well and truly makes me feel just amazing when people actually get my sense of humour and understand my... aesthetic.  So woohoo!

Everyone said there goodbyes after cake - it'd been a long day for everyone, I was totally okay with this timing!  And by 4:30 we were in a cab and on our way home.   We got to have a nice nap, then Chris made me dinner!  We had snuggles and TV in bed.  The perfect ending to our day - for us.

Weird, yet telling dream

I always have weird dreams, perhaps I should stop prefacing my tellings with a statement of oddity?

Anyway! To the dream!

I've been dreaming of home lately. I'm not exactly sure why, but there it is. And when I do dream of home, home is always my parents house. Partly, I'm sure because that was my childhood, it was my home for 30 years of my life, and I'm just now trying to deal with the fact that it's not my home anymore. I'm always welcome there, I always will be, but it's not my home. I know too, that part of why I always dream of my parents house as home is because. although I've lived here for over a year, and Chris tries to make me feel like this is my home too, in my heart, this isn't my home. It's Chris place, not mine, I just live here. Does that make any sense? I don't feel like a squatter exactly, but... this isn't mine. My clothes live here, and some of my books, but all my furniture, all my yarn, all my accoutrements of home don't live here. They are packed away in my parents attic. So when I dream, I dream of my parents home, with my old room intact, when I had a place that felt like my own.

this time I dreamt that my family was going on a picnic. My uncle Russell and his family were at the house, helping my parents pack stuff in the van, they were going along you see. I'm not sure how much of my family was going. I think perhaps it was the once annual family picnic at Bing Park. We haven't done that in the past few summers, mostly because it's a)hard to arrange that many people to be someplace all at the same time, and b) the weather has been pretty shitty/unpredictable. Anyway, family picnic. I don't think Chris and I were going, though I don't know why. It just felt like they were leaving us behind for some reason.,,

Dreams don't have to make sense! Carrying on!

My Uncle Russell chided... someone? Maybe his daughter to hurry up. He said that even Neda who was notoriously always late was ready and waiting. "Neda?!" I thought, surely I must have heard him wrong. When I asked him what he meant, he said Neda was sitting outside in one of the patio chairs, waiting,

I ran out the door, flabbergasted, hopeful and angry. Neda was in South Korea, or Australia. She wasn't coming home, ever, not even to visit! And yet, there she was, sitting in one of mom and pa's lovely brown patio chairs, smiling, and looking quite at home.

I wanted to hug her. I wanted to slap her! She'd been home for gods knows how long, but she never bothered to call me?! Never bothered to answer, not one of the many messages I'd sent her?! Too good for me, she was. And yet here she sat, thinking how happy I would be, thinking I would welcome her with open arms. Think her so clever for surprising me.

Yeah. Not going to happen. I screamed at her "You bitch! You could have CALLED!" Then stormed into the house. Neda followed me, smiling even bigger, thinking I was just teasing her, thinking my anger was momentary.

Neda picked up a dish towel on the counter and started slinging it towards me in a playful manner. I don't remember what she said... something light, playful, teasing, very Neda. She likely punned at me. She's very punny. I, however, was not amused. I got another dish towel from the rack, and tried to thwack her with it, in earnest.

I started yelling about how upset I was. She abandoned me! She abandoned us!! She left everyone she knew, everyone that loved her, and went off in search of adventure. She didn't even have the decency to be honest with any on us, or at least with me about her future plans!! She made me think she was coming home, at least for a visit! I thought I might actually get to celebrate my wedding, my marriage, with her! But nooo! I'm not good enough! Of course she'd never come back for meeee I'm not important enough to bring her back here. Not to boring old Canada. Hell, I'm not even important enough to get to know the truth, to get to know her plans! And she thinks she can just show up whenever she pleases and I'll just welcome her back with open arms?? It will be like it was before she left?? That we'll be the best of friends?! That we'll be friends at all?! NO! No I tell you! I won't have it!

At this point I stormed off. The whole house was in an uproar. I was ready to cry, I was falling apart, and I just wanted to be alone. As I was walking down the hall, Christine, a friend of Chris and I's from Toronto, came in the front door. She was walking like she had a purpose. like she was late, with her usual big black bag that she kept her laptops in. I wanted to hug her, I was so relieved to see her, though I'm not sure why, we aren't actually close in real life, or my dream for that matter. Chris and Neda were both hot on my heels, so I forgo-ed hugging Christine and darted into the bathroom I managed to just get in and lock the door before my pursuers caught up to me. Neda wanted to 'explain', Chris just wanted to see if I was all right. I didn't want to deal with either of them. Of course I wasn't all right.

Chris and Neda started arguing, likely over who got to pick the lock. There was shuffling, and bumping, and groaning, and a female moan - in my mind I pictured Chris' bony elbow hitting Neda in the nose. (Yes, I realise neither of them would behave this way, it was a dream.) I was angry with Neda, I wasn't sure I wanted to be her friend anymore, hell, I wasn't sure she was my friend - how can you be friends when you are worlds away and you never talk?? But I didn't want her hurt. I didn't want either of them hurt. I opened the door. Neda was holding her face and Chris was looking angry, worried, and sad.

We all trooped back into the kitchen, the heart of my former home. Neda sat down, and I got her an ice back from the freezer and a tea towel to wrap it in. She looked at me, surprised and wary. I guess I deserved that. Whatever. I gave her the icepack and sat down with Chris on the other side of the room. I sighed, looked at Neda forlornly and tired to figure out how to deal with the situation like an adult.

The dream ends or fades there.

I still don't know how to deal with the situation like an adult. In my heart I'm not really much of an adult. I feel hurt and betrayed and abandoned. I want to hope she'll come home some day and I can have my best friend back, but the logical part of my brain knows she's probably never coming back. And even if she did.... Well who's to say she'd make any effort to be my friend? She's not made any in almost a year, what makes me think she'd start then. I know I need to get over the loss of no longer having a best friend. I know I need to grow up and realise grown-ups just don't get to have that. Best friends are things children have. When you grow up you date, and get married, and the myth is, your husband(for those that have husbands) is supposed to be your best friend. Only.... Mine isn't, or won't be. Sure I love Chris, I love him very much, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, but my best friend he ain't and never will be.

*Sigh*

I wish I was better at making friends. I wish I was better at fostering relationships... I know I'll never had what I did with Neda. I know I'll never have a group of friends as close, as trusted, and as loved as 'the gang'. I know I'll never get to feel so loved, and accepted as I did when we were all the best of friends. But I also know it's possible to have something else, something similar. Don't get me wrong. I do have friends. And they are very nice. I like them quite a lot. But we aren't close. Our relationships aren't the type where I feel comfortable asking for favours... I don't feel like I can call them up and say, hey, let's hang out. Hell, I'm not even sure I have any of their numbers. I know Chris has a few on his cell phone, but I don't have them. What I mean is, we have them because we have previously arranged to meet them, or been invited to parities at their places, but it wasn't like they gave them to me/us saying, hey call me some time, we should hang out.

I'm the kind of person you're happy to see at a party. You think I'm sweet, or nice or whatever, but I'm not the type of person most people think, 'hey, I want to hang out with her'. I'm just not that interesting. I don't work. I don't have job stories; I can't even relate to a lot of them because it's been so long since I have worked. I'm chronically ill, chronically in pain, this makes me pretty much a huge downer, and I know it. I'm not well read. I'm not up on current events or politics - I don't read the news, it depresses me. So I can't even carry on simple chit chat half the time. So it's not like I blame people... I just.... *sigh* I wish I didn't feel so isolated and... starved for female companionship.

I get snuggles from Chris. We talk to each other and all. But, ask him for his opinion, on just about anything I'd normally want/need one on, and he's clueless. Half the time he gets fed up and angry that I even ask. I'm trying to learn not to ask, or at least preface my talking with the knowledge I won't get an opinion but sometimes talking it out helps. And talking it out to myself, when I'm alone in a room, is just too close to crazy for me to do. I really miss chick time, cause women, we find a way to give feedback. I miss so very much being able to ask for feedback, even on simple things.

I think if it wasn't for Offbeat Bride and their community site, I would have gone crazy trying to plan our wedding! I'm just not used to making decisions based on opinion without getting at least some feedback from another person!

Though it's been literally years since I've had a shopping partner, I still miss having someone there. I've learned to shop on my own, all grown-ups have to, but it's just nice to have someone there to be the voice of reason, the voice of style, someone that knows you, who, unlike the clerk, isn't trying to sell you something, ya know? Men don't know... it's a chick thing to shop in groups. It's how we're socialized. And damnit, I miss it. I miss having friends, real friends.... *sigh*

Wedding Dress Woes

I knew it wouldn't be easy finding a dress. My size alone makes it hard. Add to that I really want a red Taffeta dress. Almost no one has any dresses in anything even remotely my size, and the ones that 'fit' or are close.. well many are just so not my style. There are very few I've liked so far. *sigh*

There is one dress I've just fallen in love with by Mori Lee (well, except for the rose, and funky thing hanging from it):



But in going to a Bridal store today with Neda, we saw Mori Lee's swatches, and the red Taffeta is just not shiny or irridescent like the other colours. :( Boo! So even if I ordered it, I wouldn't be happy, because the fabric wouldn't be what I want.

I feel like I've looked at/tried on quite a few dresses, and nothing is just right, or perhaps even right enough. I'm beginning to worry that I'm just being too picky and am falling into the trap of being a 'princess'. *sigh* I do not want to be a princess, damnit. I want to be able to try something on, like it well enough, and think "This'll do". But every time I try something on, it's just "meh".

As I look, I'm realising more and more, that I do know what I want, and that is making it much harder for me. I really do want Taffeta. I love Taffeta. All the dresses that catch my eye are either Taffeta or raw silk, which shines similarly. As for style, I want some kind of ruching or pleat on the bust, a high waist, preferably with a ruched belt, and a full (we're talking semi-circle of fabric here) skirt. I really want tea-length (aka mid calf), because then I can potentially wear this dress again. I'm honestly not sure what kind of neckline would be best, however.

I'm just... I'm so torn. On one hand I think I should just settle/be happy with... simple, off-the-rack, and under $300. On the other, I want what I want, and I'm horribly tempted to look into getting a dress custom made. Chris told me before I went shopping in the states with the girls, for me not to get upset/sad if I didn't find anything; I could just have something made; even if it would be more money, I'd get the dress I'd want, I'd be happy, and I'm worth it. Isn't that sweet? I really am very lucky to be so well loved. :D

When looking for dresses online previously, I found Lisa Van Hattem and I kinda fell in love with her and her website. I don't know, something really struck me. She seems so friendly, and all the dresses on her site and her blog are so lovely. But one thousand dollars?? I'm really not sure I can stomach paying that for a freaking dress. I mean, even as much as I say I'd like to be able to wear my dress again, I'm really not sure if I'll ever actually get another chance, and paying $1000 or more for something I'm only going to wear once just seems so ridiculous. This is part of why I wanted to go with a 'bridesmaid' style dress in the first place!

In the past week, Neda and Sabrina have come dress shopping with me, which I really appreciate. We had fun! Imagine! And I hate clothes shopping generally too. Today Neda took me/came with me to a couple places around Toronto. Not much luck, but worth it, as I got to see thw Mori Lee swatches. Going dress shopping alone would really be no fun at all. It'd be downright depressing, especially with the luck I've had.

I think next week I'm going to get Sabrina to take me in to Rainbow in Hamilton, see what they have. You never know. Then maybe I'll decide about the custom route. I'm just not cut out for all this running around - I'm exhausted! Damn Fibro is so kicking my ass energy-level-wise.

Ray of Sunshine

My bestest friend, sent me a ray of sunshine today, all the way from South Korea (which is too far for comfort, if you ask me). Colour me surprised when I went to pick it up at the post office! I thought it was the knitting t-shirt I ordered last week or so, but no. It was a gift from my Neda. It made me cry, it did. She suddenly didn't feel so very far away. Bless her.

What did I get you ask? Why, this:

I recently started watching Buffy again. I torrented the first season, and went to see what it would cost to own it properly. amazon.ca had it on sale. I posted the link to facebook, cause you know, I was so tempted, but I'm not working, and we just bought gym memberships, and such, this was not the month for it. Neda saw it, and decided to get it for me. Sweet, sweet woman!

Buffy had always been our thing, Neda and mine's. We used to watch it together every week, or tape it and watch a few at a time when we got busier with school and such. Neda actually introduced me to Buffy, and convinced me to watch it. I'm so glad she did too, it really is 'full of win' as my new Torontian friends say. But then, I love just about anything with a woman lead that kicks ass. Buffy has a special place in my heart though, because she was the first, the original, ass-kicker.

I'm sitting here hugging the box, almost in tears, thinking about all the good times Neda and I have shared. And that she bothered. She went to the trouble, and spent the money to bring me happiness. That means the world to me it does. She isn't completely gone.

Hope springs eternal. Sometimes at least. :D