Last winter I was hurting. A lot. Winter is worse for me. Even inside out of the cold, I still hurt more. Maybe I don't get enough sunshine? I don't really know.
Anyway. Point. I started taking more lyrica to combat the pain. I tried 225mg in the morning and at night; it was too much. After a few days my brain was just constantly fuzzy, and I felt kinda high. Like time wasn't moving right, and my brain didn't work. So I backed down to 225mg in the morning and 150mg at night, that seemed to work better. I was only fuzzy the first night, then my body got used to it.
I thought it was helping, and maybe for the winter it did. Ever so subtly though, it stole away my libido. There were other things going on though. I was in a lot of pain. I was stressed out, mostly because of the pain. I was battling depression, all of these things make me want sexy times less.
This November, for NANO, I tried to write a romance. I think I actually got more of a light weight mystery. I had a lot of trouble writing simple attraction, never mind sex scenes. I'll admit the sexy parts have always been the easiest for me, and this November it was like pulling teeth. I barely managed one short one! So not like me. It forced me to realise something was truly wrong.
Around mid summer I'd noticed something was wrong. My brain knew I needed sexy times, that I should want them, but I couldn't get my body interested, hell, I couldn't even get my mind on board. But November was the breaking point. I couldn't deny something was fucking me. Or rather not fucking. There was just way too little fucking going on in my life.
See, my emotional state, depends so very much on my sexual release. If I don't get enough orgasms I get depressed, I hurt more, I'm down on myself, life just sucks. When my libido took a holiday it totally messed with my ability to be happy, to have any kind of energy. My sexual health totally affects my energy levels(oddly more sex=more energy & more ambition), my emotional state of mind, my state of mind period, and my self-image.
I decreased my doses of lyrica in December, to 150mg every 12-ish hours. It took a couple weeks to get the excess out of my body, but I finally got my libido back! I feel like myself again!! I'm less tired more often, and I actually have some motivation - not a lot mind you, but way better than the nothing I had for the past, oh year maybe? Not really sure, it feels like forever though.
I just can't get over what a huge difference it makes in my life, in all aspects of my life. I feel a bit... silly, for how long it took to realise something was well and truly wrong, and then more time to figure out the actual cause.
My body feels one step closer to being my own again. I can't put into words, how... good that feels, what a relief it is to feel more like myself!
Damn Lyrica. It helps sure, but fuck a duck. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the extra weight I've put on, and it store my libido. That's just not cool. I know I'm going to be very careful going forward, that no other medications screw with me again. Only my husband gets to screw me, damnit.
Showing posts with label werid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label werid. Show all posts
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Monday, June 6, 2011
Good Dream
I had this amazing dream last night about vampires, predators, aliens, crazy hotels, and in the middle of it, dildos and chocolate chip muffins. LOL.
It started out... at an old house. Three stories. Turn of the century. Farm house, middle of no where. I don't fully remember why I was there. I think I was protecting someone, or rather a group of people. We were under attack. Vampires. So very fast. I'm almost positive I had a gun.... Like AK47. Semi-automatic. But they were too fast to shoot. I couldn't even see them. We were trying to get them out, the people we were protecting. Many of my men and women died. Fast bloody deaths. But we got some of them out. Some of them just didn't make it. We had planes standing by, though heilos would have made more sense.... Maybe they did take heilos.... If I do turn this into a story, it will be heilos. lol.
I remember being on the first floor. It was a battle just to get there. I think we were on the second or third floor to start. Fighting our way down. Me and another woman. We made it down. She captured one of them. I said we should just kill him and get the fuck out. But she wanted to take him with us. I told her she'd be responsible for him then. She used a wooden chair to break one of the huge windows and threw him out onto the lawn. We were making a run for the last plane. I have this vision of an old school plane with two sets of wings. But the inside was high-tech. Dreams never do make sense.
Anyway. I lost the other woman and her captive in the field, I think. All I know is I made it on the plane, and got the thing to take off. The pilot was just gone. It was just me. I remember thinking: Fuck, I don't know how to fly this plane. But how hard can it be. I can do this. I must know how to fly the plane. LOL Even in my dreams bits of me realise I'm dreaming and don't know my characters whole backstory. So, I get the plane in the air, everything is going fine, and then boom. One of the engines gives out. Hell, I could very well have been shot down. The plane spins out of the control, and crashes in a field by the house. At this point I realise I'm dead. There is no way I could have survived the crashed and lived. And yet I keep going. I keep running.
This is where I meet up with the other woman and her captive. We are in the snow-covered field trying to hide from whomever is coming after us. They have guns. Vamps don't have guns. Or at least, vamps don't NEED guns. It's not vamps chasing us now, it's the military.
I'm laying in the snow, willing them not to see us, realising the grass isn't tall enough, or the snow deep enough. They should be able to see us. But they walk right by us. Human military. Machine guns. Black army boots. Helmets. They appear to be looking right at us, but they don't see us.
We escape.
It's a dream. So it's all fuzzy. I'm not sure exactly what happens next.
I remember walking along the edge of a wall - something a human couldn't really do, something *I* could never have done. I hear a voice in my head, images. I follow where the voice leads, in a section of city. So very pretty. Black wrought iron balconies. Yellow brick, low-rise apartment buildings. Eyes everywhere watching me, but I can't see them, only feel them on me. Watching, appraising.
The voice tells me about vampires. Fast. Strong. Long-lived. Hard to hurt, very hard to kill. Heal so very fast. Powerful minds, powerful enough to change the way humans around them see the world, see them. They are the perfect predator. They have no rival. But nature hates imbalance. That's why she created the others. So very like the vampire in every way, strong, fast, agile, powerful mind and body, great healers, hard to kill, hard to stop. And that's what we are. What you are, it tells me. We hunt them. They hunt the humans. We lay with the devil and they have no idea we aren't them. This thought terrifies me. Vampires are a dangerous lot. If they found out what I was, that I wasn't one of the, they'd do worse than kill me. I was already dead. Goddess knows what they'd do. You're one of us the voice keeps telling me. Hard to believe that.
Somehow, once again, I meet up with the woman from the farm house. We meet a group of people, well, not people. They are other. I can't tell if they are vamps, or this not-vamp the voice in my head keeps going on about.
There's a male, shorn head (very very short dark hair), Collin I think. He has a lovely Irish accent. He's wearing a sleevless t-shirt. Kinda athetic/mountain climber type. There's a man with long dark hair, dark eyes, reminds me of Antonio Banderas, but he's got an English accent, or at least he does when he wants to. Calls me 'puppet'. Seems kinda nice, for a vamp, or whatever he is. Another male, shoulder length blond hair, muscular, beautiful, very Eric Northman, has the voice too. He's a total asshole, but he's beautiful. There was a thin, fit, petite, dark haired woman. I think she's the one that talked in my head. There's at least one more woman, but I can't quite picture her....... Tall, lean, very like a french model. She pouts perfectly. This sounds like the woman that came with me, but it's NOT the woman that was dragged away... and that IS the one that came with me.. So this one must be the one at the table. The one with me was my height, dark shoulder length hair, strudy build, muscles, fit.
We, me and the woman from the farm house, meet up with this group as they are going into a hotel I think? It ends up being a hotel anyway. Somehow along the way she seems to have lost her hostage. Or at least I don't see him here. We join them. Sleep in some large room. Get up and go to breakfast. I think they have some kind of meeting, and we join them at the table. Or rather Collin is at a table in what looks like a food court. Farm warrior and I sit at the table with him. But two men in blue coveralls come out from two swinging doors behind the table and drag her away. A few mintues later the rest of the gang joins us. I'm shocked. I have no idea what's going on. Who took her, why, or what's to happen to either of us. Collin seemed to give the order, but I don't know why, or even what the order was. I think she was to be incarcerated, but I don't know by who. He wouldn't tell me who the men were when I asked. You don't need to know was all he told me.
When we were up in the hotel room, he and I were talking. I think he talked about losing his family. About some kind of loss that made him sad. They weren't a touchy group. I didn't know any of them, or even my standing with them. Why had they let me stay? I had no clue. But his sadness touched me. I thought of my mom and pa. I thought about how heartbroken, how devastating the news of my death would be to them. I wanted to call them. To tell them I was okay. To not believe that I was dead. But I was dead, wasn't I? I didn't know what was going to happen to me. But I didn't care in that moment. All I wanted was to not hurt them. And I saw, or thought I say a kindred spirit in this man. Before we left, I stopped him, and said, I hoped he wouldn't take this the wrong way, but I just had to do it, and I hugged him. I hugged him and told him I was sorry for his loss. Then I let go abruptly and walked to the elevators with everyone.
I remember sitting at the table eating a chocolate chip muffin. I felt I needed to eat, though I don't actually remember being hungry. The rest of them had said something about being very hungry. They'd gone somewhere else to eat. I was sitting next to the gorgeous blond. I think my eating offended him. I was steaming mad at Collin for betraying my trust, for not telling me what the hell was going on. Somehow the question of who I would kill came up. It think Collin asked me. I told him I'd kill him first and the the blond. The lady sitting beside him asked why - the tall model thin one. I said because he was so beautiful. He got all strangely cocky, asked if I really thought he was beautiful. I said, of course I did. I had eyes, I could see. he was lovely. Everyone in the room looked at him and knew it. He said if I thought he was beautiful now, I should watch something. There was a sort of sitting area behind us, we were on the edge of it I guess. He walked to the far wall, all calm business, then RAN through the middle of the sitting area. He was magnificent when he ran. It was almost like he shone, or bled golden light, and not just from his hair. But no one looked at him. No one paid him any mind at all. It was as if he wasn't there, or as if they just couldn't see him. He came to sit down, he took a large bite of my muffin then yelled something unintelligable at me, spitting large pieces of muffin at me. It even stained my white tank top.
I guess I knew he was offended by my eating after all. He sat down. I told him yeah, yeah, you're beautiful when you run as well. so what? Were you using your eyes he asked me. Of course I was. But what did you really see he asked. I saw you run. And how did the people react to him this time, asked the same model lady. They didn't. They acted as if they coudln't see him at all. Very good, said the blond, you were using your eyes. Yes I replied sadly. I picked up what was left of my muffin, threw it in the garbage and walked away from them.
As I walked what I saw changed. I kept blinking and my vision changed. At first it was almost like I could see two versions of the world, then it came in focus again, just one version, but not the one I was used to. There were aliens everywhere. People hiding as human, but I could see the bits they hid. Large heads, third eyes, technology in the floor, lights, maps, data, all in the floor.A man and a woman were playing a game, but as I blinked, I saw them pouring over some kind of document in the table, and the game pieces were like drives of some kind holding more information. Their bodies where totally human, they were shapped just a little wrong, and they were wearing white jumpsuits, not khakis and t-shirts. I kept walking away from the vamps, or whatever the hell they were. I never looked back. I didn't falter. I didn't want them to know what was happening to me.
I ended up near the concierge desk, and a woman appeared out of no where to one side of me. She held a white translucent clip board that was actually some kind of computer. She was wearing the hotel's uniform and asked if she could help me. I told her I wanted to go back to my room, but I didn't have a key, and for that matter I wasn't sure I could even find it. She knew just where I wanted to go. Said the son, Andrew, 10, was in the room, and he'd let me in. We were staying with his family, but they didn't actually know we were there. Strange that. I thanked her and made my way to the elevators, that were now WAY more complicated than they were a few minutes ago.
To be continued..... (hopefully I'll remember!)
It's very late. My husband had gone to bed. He doesn't like going without me. Nor does he like it when I stay up. So I better get my fat fungus infested self to bed.
It started out... at an old house. Three stories. Turn of the century. Farm house, middle of no where. I don't fully remember why I was there. I think I was protecting someone, or rather a group of people. We were under attack. Vampires. So very fast. I'm almost positive I had a gun.... Like AK47. Semi-automatic. But they were too fast to shoot. I couldn't even see them. We were trying to get them out, the people we were protecting. Many of my men and women died. Fast bloody deaths. But we got some of them out. Some of them just didn't make it. We had planes standing by, though heilos would have made more sense.... Maybe they did take heilos.... If I do turn this into a story, it will be heilos. lol.
I remember being on the first floor. It was a battle just to get there. I think we were on the second or third floor to start. Fighting our way down. Me and another woman. We made it down. She captured one of them. I said we should just kill him and get the fuck out. But she wanted to take him with us. I told her she'd be responsible for him then. She used a wooden chair to break one of the huge windows and threw him out onto the lawn. We were making a run for the last plane. I have this vision of an old school plane with two sets of wings. But the inside was high-tech. Dreams never do make sense.
Anyway. I lost the other woman and her captive in the field, I think. All I know is I made it on the plane, and got the thing to take off. The pilot was just gone. It was just me. I remember thinking: Fuck, I don't know how to fly this plane. But how hard can it be. I can do this. I must know how to fly the plane. LOL Even in my dreams bits of me realise I'm dreaming and don't know my characters whole backstory. So, I get the plane in the air, everything is going fine, and then boom. One of the engines gives out. Hell, I could very well have been shot down. The plane spins out of the control, and crashes in a field by the house. At this point I realise I'm dead. There is no way I could have survived the crashed and lived. And yet I keep going. I keep running.
This is where I meet up with the other woman and her captive. We are in the snow-covered field trying to hide from whomever is coming after us. They have guns. Vamps don't have guns. Or at least, vamps don't NEED guns. It's not vamps chasing us now, it's the military.
I'm laying in the snow, willing them not to see us, realising the grass isn't tall enough, or the snow deep enough. They should be able to see us. But they walk right by us. Human military. Machine guns. Black army boots. Helmets. They appear to be looking right at us, but they don't see us.
We escape.
It's a dream. So it's all fuzzy. I'm not sure exactly what happens next.
I remember walking along the edge of a wall - something a human couldn't really do, something *I* could never have done. I hear a voice in my head, images. I follow where the voice leads, in a section of city. So very pretty. Black wrought iron balconies. Yellow brick, low-rise apartment buildings. Eyes everywhere watching me, but I can't see them, only feel them on me. Watching, appraising.
The voice tells me about vampires. Fast. Strong. Long-lived. Hard to hurt, very hard to kill. Heal so very fast. Powerful minds, powerful enough to change the way humans around them see the world, see them. They are the perfect predator. They have no rival. But nature hates imbalance. That's why she created the others. So very like the vampire in every way, strong, fast, agile, powerful mind and body, great healers, hard to kill, hard to stop. And that's what we are. What you are, it tells me. We hunt them. They hunt the humans. We lay with the devil and they have no idea we aren't them. This thought terrifies me. Vampires are a dangerous lot. If they found out what I was, that I wasn't one of the, they'd do worse than kill me. I was already dead. Goddess knows what they'd do. You're one of us the voice keeps telling me. Hard to believe that.
Somehow, once again, I meet up with the woman from the farm house. We meet a group of people, well, not people. They are other. I can't tell if they are vamps, or this not-vamp the voice in my head keeps going on about.
There's a male, shorn head (very very short dark hair), Collin I think. He has a lovely Irish accent. He's wearing a sleevless t-shirt. Kinda athetic/mountain climber type. There's a man with long dark hair, dark eyes, reminds me of Antonio Banderas, but he's got an English accent, or at least he does when he wants to. Calls me 'puppet'. Seems kinda nice, for a vamp, or whatever he is. Another male, shoulder length blond hair, muscular, beautiful, very Eric Northman, has the voice too. He's a total asshole, but he's beautiful. There was a thin, fit, petite, dark haired woman. I think she's the one that talked in my head. There's at least one more woman, but I can't quite picture her....... Tall, lean, very like a french model. She pouts perfectly. This sounds like the woman that came with me, but it's NOT the woman that was dragged away... and that IS the one that came with me.. So this one must be the one at the table. The one with me was my height, dark shoulder length hair, strudy build, muscles, fit.
We, me and the woman from the farm house, meet up with this group as they are going into a hotel I think? It ends up being a hotel anyway. Somehow along the way she seems to have lost her hostage. Or at least I don't see him here. We join them. Sleep in some large room. Get up and go to breakfast. I think they have some kind of meeting, and we join them at the table. Or rather Collin is at a table in what looks like a food court. Farm warrior and I sit at the table with him. But two men in blue coveralls come out from two swinging doors behind the table and drag her away. A few mintues later the rest of the gang joins us. I'm shocked. I have no idea what's going on. Who took her, why, or what's to happen to either of us. Collin seemed to give the order, but I don't know why, or even what the order was. I think she was to be incarcerated, but I don't know by who. He wouldn't tell me who the men were when I asked. You don't need to know was all he told me.
When we were up in the hotel room, he and I were talking. I think he talked about losing his family. About some kind of loss that made him sad. They weren't a touchy group. I didn't know any of them, or even my standing with them. Why had they let me stay? I had no clue. But his sadness touched me. I thought of my mom and pa. I thought about how heartbroken, how devastating the news of my death would be to them. I wanted to call them. To tell them I was okay. To not believe that I was dead. But I was dead, wasn't I? I didn't know what was going to happen to me. But I didn't care in that moment. All I wanted was to not hurt them. And I saw, or thought I say a kindred spirit in this man. Before we left, I stopped him, and said, I hoped he wouldn't take this the wrong way, but I just had to do it, and I hugged him. I hugged him and told him I was sorry for his loss. Then I let go abruptly and walked to the elevators with everyone.
I remember sitting at the table eating a chocolate chip muffin. I felt I needed to eat, though I don't actually remember being hungry. The rest of them had said something about being very hungry. They'd gone somewhere else to eat. I was sitting next to the gorgeous blond. I think my eating offended him. I was steaming mad at Collin for betraying my trust, for not telling me what the hell was going on. Somehow the question of who I would kill came up. It think Collin asked me. I told him I'd kill him first and the the blond. The lady sitting beside him asked why - the tall model thin one. I said because he was so beautiful. He got all strangely cocky, asked if I really thought he was beautiful. I said, of course I did. I had eyes, I could see. he was lovely. Everyone in the room looked at him and knew it. He said if I thought he was beautiful now, I should watch something. There was a sort of sitting area behind us, we were on the edge of it I guess. He walked to the far wall, all calm business, then RAN through the middle of the sitting area. He was magnificent when he ran. It was almost like he shone, or bled golden light, and not just from his hair. But no one looked at him. No one paid him any mind at all. It was as if he wasn't there, or as if they just couldn't see him. He came to sit down, he took a large bite of my muffin then yelled something unintelligable at me, spitting large pieces of muffin at me. It even stained my white tank top.
I guess I knew he was offended by my eating after all. He sat down. I told him yeah, yeah, you're beautiful when you run as well. so what? Were you using your eyes he asked me. Of course I was. But what did you really see he asked. I saw you run. And how did the people react to him this time, asked the same model lady. They didn't. They acted as if they coudln't see him at all. Very good, said the blond, you were using your eyes. Yes I replied sadly. I picked up what was left of my muffin, threw it in the garbage and walked away from them.
As I walked what I saw changed. I kept blinking and my vision changed. At first it was almost like I could see two versions of the world, then it came in focus again, just one version, but not the one I was used to. There were aliens everywhere. People hiding as human, but I could see the bits they hid. Large heads, third eyes, technology in the floor, lights, maps, data, all in the floor.A man and a woman were playing a game, but as I blinked, I saw them pouring over some kind of document in the table, and the game pieces were like drives of some kind holding more information. Their bodies where totally human, they were shapped just a little wrong, and they were wearing white jumpsuits, not khakis and t-shirts. I kept walking away from the vamps, or whatever the hell they were. I never looked back. I didn't falter. I didn't want them to know what was happening to me.
I ended up near the concierge desk, and a woman appeared out of no where to one side of me. She held a white translucent clip board that was actually some kind of computer. She was wearing the hotel's uniform and asked if she could help me. I told her I wanted to go back to my room, but I didn't have a key, and for that matter I wasn't sure I could even find it. She knew just where I wanted to go. Said the son, Andrew, 10, was in the room, and he'd let me in. We were staying with his family, but they didn't actually know we were there. Strange that. I thanked her and made my way to the elevators, that were now WAY more complicated than they were a few minutes ago.
To be continued..... (hopefully I'll remember!)
It's very late. My husband had gone to bed. He doesn't like going without me. Nor does he like it when I stay up. So I better get my fat fungus infested self to bed.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Hunger & Fibro
There's something seriously wrong with me.
Well, duh, right? But I keep thinking/saying this. To myself, and to Chris. I know I have fibromyalgia, but admitting all the ways that it fucks with me is really hard.
I get tired so easy now, and not just a little tired, but like, bone weary, wear the ache just seems to go all the way through me. I hurt for no reason, and for me is, so very very frustrating. I still say things like, "why do I hurt? There's no reason for it damnit. I haven't done anything." And Chris will respond, "You have fibromyalgia, that's why." I know logically, that's all the explanation there is. That's fibro's main symptoms. And yet. I still feel.....angry... frustrated...
The same damn thing seems to happen with hunger that does with other pain/touch responses. My fibromyalgia actually heightens my sensitivity. Like I fucking need that! Hello, fat chick here! And yet... for the past week now I've not been sleeping well, why? Because I've been going to be a little hungry, I mean, eating just before bed is a bad idea right? So I wake up at like 4am, 5am, 6am (today I'm lucky it was this late), and I'm starving. I'm not just normal hungry. I'm so hungry I'm curled up in a ball of pain as my stomach growls, and clenches, and it feels like the hunger is burning all the way up my throat. I've tried ignoring it. All that happens is I lay there awake, for three hours, in pain so bad I want to cry or scream, waiting for Chris to get up, waiting for it to be a reasonable hour, so I can finally EAT something.
I do not like this pattern. I don't know what the fuck started it. I don't know why my stomach is suddenly so very very needy. I've had acid reflux issues on and off over the past few years. I think it's hereditary. My mom (aka grandma) has it, and so does at least 2 of her children. I also had antibiotics chewing through my belly, and fucking up my sleep patterns for the past week as well. So I'm taking Nexium at bedtime, for the acid reflux. I'm hoping it will eventually help. 3 days in, and the pain in my throat isn't as bad, but it's not better. I'm hoping that means I'm healing, slowly. If things don't improve pain-wise in like a week or so, I have to give it time to work afte rall, then i'm going to bug my doctor.
What I'm really worried what has happened though, with all my meds, and the weird times I've ended up taking them, and almost all of them require food, or to be taken with food... that I've been eating at odd hours, and eating more than I normally would in some cases.... is that I've managed to stretch my stomach out even further. In less than a fucking week... Because I've noticed for the past three days or so, when I wake up hungry, it takes a lot more than it used to, for me to feel full, for me to not hurt from hunger even. Like, two pieces of toast just don't do it. That's a good breakfast damnit. There have been many times in the past where I couldn't even finish that! Now... Now I eat that and my tummy still hurts until I have like some yogurt and an apple, or two. This is just ridiculous.
I know how to shrink my tummy. It's just will power and suffering really. You stop eating so much. And in 3 to 10 times as long as it took to stretch, your tummy will, eventually go back to normal. I'm not big on suffering, as you might imagine. I'm so not looking forward to this. I'm not even sure I have the bleeding will power. I mean, I can't fucking sleep! I'm too damn hungry to sleep. This is fucking insane. Grr! I hate my body. But I know I need to try. Even for me this is excessive. And I don't like it.
The hypochondriac in me is wondering if I have an ulcer, or some other real kind of stomach issue that would cause this much freaking pain. But realistically, I'm pretty sure it's just my fibro finding yet another way to fuck with me. *sigh*
Well, duh, right? But I keep thinking/saying this. To myself, and to Chris. I know I have fibromyalgia, but admitting all the ways that it fucks with me is really hard.
I get tired so easy now, and not just a little tired, but like, bone weary, wear the ache just seems to go all the way through me. I hurt for no reason, and for me is, so very very frustrating. I still say things like, "why do I hurt? There's no reason for it damnit. I haven't done anything." And Chris will respond, "You have fibromyalgia, that's why." I know logically, that's all the explanation there is. That's fibro's main symptoms. And yet. I still feel.....angry... frustrated...
The same damn thing seems to happen with hunger that does with other pain/touch responses. My fibromyalgia actually heightens my sensitivity. Like I fucking need that! Hello, fat chick here! And yet... for the past week now I've not been sleeping well, why? Because I've been going to be a little hungry, I mean, eating just before bed is a bad idea right? So I wake up at like 4am, 5am, 6am (today I'm lucky it was this late), and I'm starving. I'm not just normal hungry. I'm so hungry I'm curled up in a ball of pain as my stomach growls, and clenches, and it feels like the hunger is burning all the way up my throat. I've tried ignoring it. All that happens is I lay there awake, for three hours, in pain so bad I want to cry or scream, waiting for Chris to get up, waiting for it to be a reasonable hour, so I can finally EAT something.
I do not like this pattern. I don't know what the fuck started it. I don't know why my stomach is suddenly so very very needy. I've had acid reflux issues on and off over the past few years. I think it's hereditary. My mom (aka grandma) has it, and so does at least 2 of her children. I also had antibiotics chewing through my belly, and fucking up my sleep patterns for the past week as well. So I'm taking Nexium at bedtime, for the acid reflux. I'm hoping it will eventually help. 3 days in, and the pain in my throat isn't as bad, but it's not better. I'm hoping that means I'm healing, slowly. If things don't improve pain-wise in like a week or so, I have to give it time to work afte rall, then i'm going to bug my doctor.
What I'm really worried what has happened though, with all my meds, and the weird times I've ended up taking them, and almost all of them require food, or to be taken with food... that I've been eating at odd hours, and eating more than I normally would in some cases.... is that I've managed to stretch my stomach out even further. In less than a fucking week... Because I've noticed for the past three days or so, when I wake up hungry, it takes a lot more than it used to, for me to feel full, for me to not hurt from hunger even. Like, two pieces of toast just don't do it. That's a good breakfast damnit. There have been many times in the past where I couldn't even finish that! Now... Now I eat that and my tummy still hurts until I have like some yogurt and an apple, or two. This is just ridiculous.
I know how to shrink my tummy. It's just will power and suffering really. You stop eating so much. And in 3 to 10 times as long as it took to stretch, your tummy will, eventually go back to normal. I'm not big on suffering, as you might imagine. I'm so not looking forward to this. I'm not even sure I have the bleeding will power. I mean, I can't fucking sleep! I'm too damn hungry to sleep. This is fucking insane. Grr! I hate my body. But I know I need to try. Even for me this is excessive. And I don't like it.
The hypochondriac in me is wondering if I have an ulcer, or some other real kind of stomach issue that would cause this much freaking pain. But realistically, I'm pretty sure it's just my fibro finding yet another way to fuck with me. *sigh*
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Very Cool Random Internet Finds
First, I must share this cake Chris found somewhere in his travels on the interwebs. It's a 200 lb Octopus Cake.
I love this cake soooooo hard!! I don't think I'd want to eat it, 200 lbs, how much fondant did they use?! But I would so love a. say. clay version of this for our future coffee table! I think it's the coolest thing! Seriously! I mean, just LOOK at it!
Second, in searching for pictures of tiara's I like to give to a friend as inspiration for the tiara she's making for me for my wedding, I found this:
How cool is that?! I think it's sooo pretty, though not pretty enough to pay $640 USD for it! o.0 I would love to make something like it though! It's totally inspiring! If I'd found it with more time before I needed my tiara, I might have tried to source those pendanty bits and asked Shasta if she could work some magic in that kind of vibe.
Oh well. I'm sure whatever Shasta does come up with will be awesome. :) I'm really thrilled she's going to have time to make me something! yay! Hopefully I can get the bits she needs while I'm out tomorrow.
I love this cake soooooo hard!! I don't think I'd want to eat it, 200 lbs, how much fondant did they use?! But I would so love a. say. clay version of this for our future coffee table! I think it's the coolest thing! Seriously! I mean, just LOOK at it!
Second, in searching for pictures of tiara's I like to give to a friend as inspiration for the tiara she's making for me for my wedding, I found this:
How cool is that?! I think it's sooo pretty, though not pretty enough to pay $640 USD for it! o.0 I would love to make something like it though! It's totally inspiring! If I'd found it with more time before I needed my tiara, I might have tried to source those pendanty bits and asked Shasta if she could work some magic in that kind of vibe.
Oh well. I'm sure whatever Shasta does come up with will be awesome. :) I'm really thrilled she's going to have time to make me something! yay! Hopefully I can get the bits she needs while I'm out tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I CAN HAS OCTOPUS!
Here he is in all his knitted glory!!
I just love him! Love love love him! I really hope I can make many more, but we'll see what actually gets done. I am one tentacle into the next octopus however.
I think the purple one will always be my favourite though, as I love the colours.. But I'm sure I will love my other octupuses just as well, in different ways.
He's not very big, but any bigger and I'd never get them done in time for the wedding, it's iffy at best as it is. I think he's just the right size to be an easy project, and totally cute! :D
Here's a picture to give you the idea of his scale:
Yes, he's sitting on top of the DVD case to Persuasion. I was watching it while I was finishing him.
I just love him! Love love love him! I really hope I can make many more, but we'll see what actually gets done. I am one tentacle into the next octopus however.
I think the purple one will always be my favourite though, as I love the colours.. But I'm sure I will love my other octupuses just as well, in different ways.
He's not very big, but any bigger and I'd never get them done in time for the wedding, it's iffy at best as it is. I think he's just the right size to be an easy project, and totally cute! :D
Here's a picture to give you the idea of his scale:
Yes, he's sitting on top of the DVD case to Persuasion. I was watching it while I was finishing him.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Taking His Name...Is FREAKING ME OUT!
Okay, so... When FH first proposed I asked if I could take his name and he said no. I was a little hurt, I let it go, however, a first for me really. Later I asked him why the idea of me taking his name bothered him. He said he was raised not to expect anyone would take his name... I think it freaked him out too because it made it more 'real'. Eventually I got him to agree to it - I said I wanted to, that I wanted us to be one family and that meant one name.
Now I'm the one freaking out. Big time.
I went to get our marriage license yesterday, and it comes with a info sheet about your options for name change. Apparently if I legally change my name in Ontario, because I was born here, they will re-issue my birth certificate with my new name! My old name would be in brackets beside it, but still!! OMG!
My heart is still in my throat, where it's been since reading that.
I feel like that is a step too far! I want to be Mrs. Awesome, but I don't want to erase Ms.WickedCool to do it! Ya know??
*sigh*
Now I don't know what to do.
I... I may not always like who I am, I know I haven't always liked me, but, I'm still me, I still have a vested interest in me. I'm cool with being Mrs.Awesome from this point forward, but I never thought the gov't would go back and change who I was. That's what it feels like for me. I don't know why I'm personalizing it so but I am.
I'm proud of my last name. It's where I came from. My grandparents took me in when my father basically abandoned me. They didn't have to, but they did. My name is tied to them. And I feel like having their name is tied to my loyalty, my gratitude for them being my parents. I don't want to change my freaking birth certificate!
Logically, a name change doesn't change who I am - a rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet. But it freaks me right the hell out! There is connotation in names, and I don't want for one second for my parents to think I don't love them, that I don't love being their daughter, that I'm not proud of them, and all they've accomplished, and grateful for all they've done and continue to do for me.
So what do I do? Bah. I'm the one that convinced my FH that I wanted to take his name. And I still do. I just... Fuck, why does the gov't have to fuck with my BIRTH CERTIFICATE?!
I wonder if I can apply for a name change with another branch of gov't so they will leave my birth certificate the fuck alone. I suppose I could just keep my old one and cut the new one up into little pieces?? I won't give it to them, that much I will refuse.
UPDATE!
Okay! So finding more information, yay useful gov't sites! I'm going to "assume" FH's name. That info sheet did not represent it well!
I can get my health card, driver's license(if I had one!), Passport(!), bank account's, credit cards, all in my "assumed" name by showing them my marriage certificate(when I get it of course). Wee! This is just want I wanted, and I still get to be me, Ms. Hazelton, legally, while also being Mrs. Wood for all intents and purposes! Best solution ever!
Now I'm the one freaking out. Big time.
I went to get our marriage license yesterday, and it comes with a info sheet about your options for name change. Apparently if I legally change my name in Ontario, because I was born here, they will re-issue my birth certificate with my new name! My old name would be in brackets beside it, but still!! OMG!
My heart is still in my throat, where it's been since reading that.
I feel like that is a step too far! I want to be Mrs. Awesome, but I don't want to erase Ms.WickedCool to do it! Ya know??
*sigh*
Now I don't know what to do.
I... I may not always like who I am, I know I haven't always liked me, but, I'm still me, I still have a vested interest in me. I'm cool with being Mrs.Awesome from this point forward, but I never thought the gov't would go back and change who I was. That's what it feels like for me. I don't know why I'm personalizing it so but I am.
I'm proud of my last name. It's where I came from. My grandparents took me in when my father basically abandoned me. They didn't have to, but they did. My name is tied to them. And I feel like having their name is tied to my loyalty, my gratitude for them being my parents. I don't want to change my freaking birth certificate!
Logically, a name change doesn't change who I am - a rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet. But it freaks me right the hell out! There is connotation in names, and I don't want for one second for my parents to think I don't love them, that I don't love being their daughter, that I'm not proud of them, and all they've accomplished, and grateful for all they've done and continue to do for me.
So what do I do? Bah. I'm the one that convinced my FH that I wanted to take his name. And I still do. I just... Fuck, why does the gov't have to fuck with my BIRTH CERTIFICATE?!
I wonder if I can apply for a name change with another branch of gov't so they will leave my birth certificate the fuck alone. I suppose I could just keep my old one and cut the new one up into little pieces?? I won't give it to them, that much I will refuse.
UPDATE!
Okay! So finding more information, yay useful gov't sites! I'm going to "assume" FH's name. That info sheet did not represent it well!
I can get my health card, driver's license(if I had one!), Passport(!), bank account's, credit cards, all in my "assumed" name by showing them my marriage certificate(when I get it of course). Wee! This is just want I wanted, and I still get to be me, Ms. Hazelton, legally, while also being Mrs. Wood for all intents and purposes! Best solution ever!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Octopedes! *
I have to admit a terrible secret. I have an unaccountable love for octopedes!! I just think they are the neatest things! I love jewelry of octopedes, I love pictures of octopedes, I love stuffed animals, key chains, fabric, art, what have you, if it has an octopus I'm going to squeal and want one desperately.
So I was surfing one of my favourite sites since beginning all this wedding planning stuff: The Graphics Fairy, and found the most amazing image of an octopus!
OMG! I'm in love! Seriously.
My first thought was, I need to include him in my wedding somehow. Since I'm currently working/focused on the guest book, I thought, Wishing Ocotpus! I can attach get my guest to attach their well wishes cards to him! Yes!
Alas, on further consideration, I don't think it's really viable. I would have to pay more than I'm willing to get him printed at a larger size. And then I'd have to colour him in/fuss with him to get him to look really good. And.... what would I do with him after the wedding? I'd have to throw him out. I'd have added tape to get the cards to stick, and he'd get a fuzzy if I tried to keep him. No, it's just too much work for such a little thing. Sadness.
I really really love this image. He's just so....perfect. I still really want to include him, I just... *sigh* It doesn't make sense to. The rest of my wedding is very classic and elegant. He doesn't fit. But man, do I love him! =/
* Terminology: The Oxford English Dictionary (2008 Draft Revision)[34] lists octopuses, octopi and octopodes (in that order); it labels octopodes "rare", and notes that octopi derives from the "apprehension" that octōpūs is a second declension Latin noun, though it is not.
I personally first thought octopi, I admit, but I wasn't sure, so I looked it up. I think "octopuses" just sounds wrong, so I'm following Chris' brother and using the 'rare' octopedes!
So I was surfing one of my favourite sites since beginning all this wedding planning stuff: The Graphics Fairy, and found the most amazing image of an octopus!
OMG! I'm in love! Seriously.
My first thought was, I need to include him in my wedding somehow. Since I'm currently working/focused on the guest book, I thought, Wishing Ocotpus! I can attach get my guest to attach their well wishes cards to him! Yes!
Alas, on further consideration, I don't think it's really viable. I would have to pay more than I'm willing to get him printed at a larger size. And then I'd have to colour him in/fuss with him to get him to look really good. And.... what would I do with him after the wedding? I'd have to throw him out. I'd have added tape to get the cards to stick, and he'd get a fuzzy if I tried to keep him. No, it's just too much work for such a little thing. Sadness.
I really really love this image. He's just so....perfect. I still really want to include him, I just... *sigh* It doesn't make sense to. The rest of my wedding is very classic and elegant. He doesn't fit. But man, do I love him! =/
* Terminology: The Oxford English Dictionary (2008 Draft Revision)[34] lists octopuses, octopi and octopodes (in that order); it labels octopodes "rare", and notes that octopi derives from the "apprehension" that octōpūs is a second declension Latin noun, though it is not.
I personally first thought octopi, I admit, but I wasn't sure, so I looked it up. I think "octopuses" just sounds wrong, so I'm following Chris' brother and using the 'rare' octopedes!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Weekend
Went to a pool party at a friend's in Mississauga. Despite the fact that it wasn't super warm, and looked like rain for a good part of the day, the party was very party-ish, with much pool action. Everyone that had one loved my burgers! yay! I even got a gleeful smile over my messy lemon squares! yay! Oh, and Alison brought cherries, and a box of ganache. OMFG, so so so good! I would never have thought cherries and chocolate, as I hate those cherry liqueur chocolates you get at Christmas, but this, this was nothing like that. So so good! mmm!
We got there about the middle of the afternoon, which was probably a good thing for me, otherwise we likely would have had to cab it back to Kipling station - I wouldn't have made it a whole day energy-wise. As it was, I took out towels and had a nap on the lawn around 10pm-ish I think, while 80% of the party attendants were in the pool, screaming, slashing, and generally having a ball. I was so tired the ground felt comfortable! The ground! Me! I woke up I think an hour later to an empty pool, and everyone either changed or drying off, and even a few gone. So weird!
Chris said something to me, during the course of the evening that I just can't get out of my head.... I'm almost thinking he's right. I really shouldn't be around people. Clearly I'm just too much of a prude, am too closed-mouthed, and have more issues than a 747 has baggage(these aren't his words, they're mine). I should be a hermit. *sigh* Why is he marring me??? Sometimes I worry he's making the worst mistake of his life....
We got there about the middle of the afternoon, which was probably a good thing for me, otherwise we likely would have had to cab it back to Kipling station - I wouldn't have made it a whole day energy-wise. As it was, I took out towels and had a nap on the lawn around 10pm-ish I think, while 80% of the party attendants were in the pool, screaming, slashing, and generally having a ball. I was so tired the ground felt comfortable! The ground! Me! I woke up I think an hour later to an empty pool, and everyone either changed or drying off, and even a few gone. So weird!
Chris said something to me, during the course of the evening that I just can't get out of my head.... I'm almost thinking he's right. I really shouldn't be around people. Clearly I'm just too much of a prude, am too closed-mouthed, and have more issues than a 747 has baggage(these aren't his words, they're mine). I should be a hermit. *sigh* Why is he marring me??? Sometimes I worry he's making the worst mistake of his life....
Monday, March 22, 2010
More Weird Dreams
I did a lot of stuff this weekend, more than I usually do - went out Friday night and thus stayed up late, got up early Saturday, went to the zoo with rambunctious 2 yr old & his parents, went to lunch with them, then to Shasta's in the evening, stayed up late again, and then went to Asy's bday dinner Sunday!
That's a way fuller weekend than I'm used to! No surprise I was exhausted today. I thought I was fine, until I washed Chris' sweater by hand (mostly just soaking & squeezing the water out). When I was done getting the water out, I need to rest for like 15 minutes just to get my heart to stop pounding. I took that as a bad sign and had a nap
While I napped, as you can guess from the title, I had some weird ass dreams.
In my first dream, I was out somewhere in an unfamiliar city, and the pope tried to kidnap me! Yes, the pope, in his popely garb, crazy hat and all! He had a needle, with I'm guessing something to put me out, and he kept grabbing at me, and trying to poke with with said needle! It was really scary! The pope was seriously creepy! And he kept poking me/grabbing me in the ribs and it really really hurt! I hate when dreams hurt like that.
The second dream was way more cool. I was a student at a high school for, like, super heroes. It was President's Day at the school, and so myself and a group of my friends were trying to convince the school council president (who was this really sweet, naive, painfully pretty young man) to stay indoors and let us protect him. You see, our school had a history/tradition that on President's Day, basically the entire student body would try to kill the council president. They'd succeeded many times too! This practice was considered 'good practice for future life' by the school authorities, so it was really up to us to keep our friend alive. He was new there, his first year, he couldn't believe anyone would try to kill him, bless his little heart. So we spent the day trying to keep him indoors, beating up fellow students, and generally saving his ass.
The next thing I remember my group of friends were out and about in the city for the day, having 'escaped' the school grounds (I think it might have been a sanctioned trip). We saw something going down that looks highly suspicious - our spy radar went off - so we investigated. I started following the young blond that looked like she was trying to make a drop off of some kind, and the gang split up to see if we could find her target/figure out what she had. I followed the blond around a street market. Things were.. fishy. I tried to buy some rice from a vendor, and he said he wasn't open for business, even though he had all kinds of food set out. He said I could just have the rice... I got the impression he was doing illegal business, or that he'd poisoned the rice, as the blond had just bought some. I dropped the rice and ran after the blond. I literally bumped into her coming out of a shop - oops!
I was more than a little worried at that point and asked her what she had in her bag, while I was opening it - not a good subtle sky me. o.0 I realied she had some kind of a list. She was even worse at the spy thing than I was, because she started babbling about having to get the list to [the american's possibly? some group I was actually affiliated with]. I said I could get it to them, that they were my superiors, and she said no, the woman who gave it to her said not to trust the ones inside the boarder, she had to get it to the foreign contingency. That someone was coming to get it but she couldn't trust me. I told her the streets weren't safe, she should stay with me, and my friends would find who she needed. I radioed the group, telling them who to look for (the blond told me - I think this is how it went anyway), but when I turned around the blond was gone again.
I ran after her, or where I thought she'd gone, into this tough ass neighbourhood. There was this gang of black men in front of a Jamaican restaurant. This craggy old guy told me I didn't want to go into the restaurant as I tried to pass, thinking the blond might have hid there. The other men laughed/jeered threateningly, and I agreed with the old man. I tried to get out of there, but the old guy pulled me to him with more strength than I thought he'd have. He started to dance with me. At first I fought him, wanting to go, then I went with it, pulling him with me, he went willingly when I was dancing with him. Finally we got far enough away from the gang, that they couldn't just grab me and I made a run for it. One of the gang members started following me, into the open market. I jumped up on a fish counter, and started jumping/running as fast and as far as I could. I could jump about 12 feet in one go, and as I jumped to another counter, I saw the gang member matching me! This is when I thought "wtf, regular people just cannot jump like that. This is not normal... what is going on here." I was also worried that I'd not heard back from my team. This just wasn't good, but I kept running...
As I turned the corner heading towards the market exit, wondering where the hell the blond had got to, I see one of our instructors... possibly the vice-princapal. Pointy, sharp woman, I did not like her. I liked her less to see her here now, with that look on her face. She started yelling at me, saying I'd screwed everything up, and how dare I take matters into my own hands, blah, blah, blah. Apparently we'd interrupted a deal she was trying to make, though she'd found the blond - no thanks to me - and taken the information from her. The blond was standing there looking guilty, and unhappy. I don't think she wanted to make a deal with the evil bitch... I didn't back down, maybe I should have, but she just pushed my buttons. I yelled back, "What kind of fool tries to plan a spy meeting when she knows her students are going to be all over the area and are going to realise in two seconds flat that something shady is going on?? The girl kept looking over her shoulder! The vendors were more than shady, hell, they'd poisoned the food! You of all people should know some of us can smell that even! The 'gang member' was no normal human, and jumped just like me! He blew his own damn cover, not my fault!"
She said she was going to punish me for my rudeness and teach me my place. I told her to do her worst, I didn't give a flying fuck, she's the one that screwed up, not me. She pulled out an electric shaver, like out of her purse! And she shaved the very front/top of my head where my bangs were! The bitch!! Then she said she would expel me, though she didn't have the power to alone, she'd have to get the principal to agree. I was so livid, I just stormed off.
My dream ended with me going back to the school, to see if I was kicked out I think, some time later. I had a shaved head, and cherry red doc martens on. I looked so cute! lol. And then I woke up.
Crazy dreams eh?
That's a way fuller weekend than I'm used to! No surprise I was exhausted today. I thought I was fine, until I washed Chris' sweater by hand (mostly just soaking & squeezing the water out). When I was done getting the water out, I need to rest for like 15 minutes just to get my heart to stop pounding. I took that as a bad sign and had a nap
While I napped, as you can guess from the title, I had some weird ass dreams.
In my first dream, I was out somewhere in an unfamiliar city, and the pope tried to kidnap me! Yes, the pope, in his popely garb, crazy hat and all! He had a needle, with I'm guessing something to put me out, and he kept grabbing at me, and trying to poke with with said needle! It was really scary! The pope was seriously creepy! And he kept poking me/grabbing me in the ribs and it really really hurt! I hate when dreams hurt like that.
The second dream was way more cool. I was a student at a high school for, like, super heroes. It was President's Day at the school, and so myself and a group of my friends were trying to convince the school council president (who was this really sweet, naive, painfully pretty young man) to stay indoors and let us protect him. You see, our school had a history/tradition that on President's Day, basically the entire student body would try to kill the council president. They'd succeeded many times too! This practice was considered 'good practice for future life' by the school authorities, so it was really up to us to keep our friend alive. He was new there, his first year, he couldn't believe anyone would try to kill him, bless his little heart. So we spent the day trying to keep him indoors, beating up fellow students, and generally saving his ass.
The next thing I remember my group of friends were out and about in the city for the day, having 'escaped' the school grounds (I think it might have been a sanctioned trip). We saw something going down that looks highly suspicious - our spy radar went off - so we investigated. I started following the young blond that looked like she was trying to make a drop off of some kind, and the gang split up to see if we could find her target/figure out what she had. I followed the blond around a street market. Things were.. fishy. I tried to buy some rice from a vendor, and he said he wasn't open for business, even though he had all kinds of food set out. He said I could just have the rice... I got the impression he was doing illegal business, or that he'd poisoned the rice, as the blond had just bought some. I dropped the rice and ran after the blond. I literally bumped into her coming out of a shop - oops!
I was more than a little worried at that point and asked her what she had in her bag, while I was opening it - not a good subtle sky me. o.0 I realied she had some kind of a list. She was even worse at the spy thing than I was, because she started babbling about having to get the list to [the american's possibly? some group I was actually affiliated with]. I said I could get it to them, that they were my superiors, and she said no, the woman who gave it to her said not to trust the ones inside the boarder, she had to get it to the foreign contingency. That someone was coming to get it but she couldn't trust me. I told her the streets weren't safe, she should stay with me, and my friends would find who she needed. I radioed the group, telling them who to look for (the blond told me - I think this is how it went anyway), but when I turned around the blond was gone again.
I ran after her, or where I thought she'd gone, into this tough ass neighbourhood. There was this gang of black men in front of a Jamaican restaurant. This craggy old guy told me I didn't want to go into the restaurant as I tried to pass, thinking the blond might have hid there. The other men laughed/jeered threateningly, and I agreed with the old man. I tried to get out of there, but the old guy pulled me to him with more strength than I thought he'd have. He started to dance with me. At first I fought him, wanting to go, then I went with it, pulling him with me, he went willingly when I was dancing with him. Finally we got far enough away from the gang, that they couldn't just grab me and I made a run for it. One of the gang members started following me, into the open market. I jumped up on a fish counter, and started jumping/running as fast and as far as I could. I could jump about 12 feet in one go, and as I jumped to another counter, I saw the gang member matching me! This is when I thought "wtf, regular people just cannot jump like that. This is not normal... what is going on here." I was also worried that I'd not heard back from my team. This just wasn't good, but I kept running...
As I turned the corner heading towards the market exit, wondering where the hell the blond had got to, I see one of our instructors... possibly the vice-princapal. Pointy, sharp woman, I did not like her. I liked her less to see her here now, with that look on her face. She started yelling at me, saying I'd screwed everything up, and how dare I take matters into my own hands, blah, blah, blah. Apparently we'd interrupted a deal she was trying to make, though she'd found the blond - no thanks to me - and taken the information from her. The blond was standing there looking guilty, and unhappy. I don't think she wanted to make a deal with the evil bitch... I didn't back down, maybe I should have, but she just pushed my buttons. I yelled back, "What kind of fool tries to plan a spy meeting when she knows her students are going to be all over the area and are going to realise in two seconds flat that something shady is going on?? The girl kept looking over her shoulder! The vendors were more than shady, hell, they'd poisoned the food! You of all people should know some of us can smell that even! The 'gang member' was no normal human, and jumped just like me! He blew his own damn cover, not my fault!"
She said she was going to punish me for my rudeness and teach me my place. I told her to do her worst, I didn't give a flying fuck, she's the one that screwed up, not me. She pulled out an electric shaver, like out of her purse! And she shaved the very front/top of my head where my bangs were! The bitch!! Then she said she would expel me, though she didn't have the power to alone, she'd have to get the principal to agree. I was so livid, I just stormed off.
My dream ended with me going back to the school, to see if I was kicked out I think, some time later. I had a shaved head, and cherry red doc martens on. I looked so cute! lol. And then I woke up.
Crazy dreams eh?
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Pagan Party in the Woods?
I had this crazy dream last night. So crazy I just had to write it down. Chris says I should write my dreams down because they'd make good stories/books. I never see the point because they are usually just moments in time and not full on stories, but he's probably right. If I combined all my dreams I would get one very random story!
My dream started out with myself, Neda, and Chris being invited to a party, I think by a gay former co-worker. We saw him on the way there, he was bringing his bf, and some other people... The party was at a camp ground, closed to the public for winter, though it was fall.
When we got to the camp ground main building/gates whatever, I can't really remember the surroundings, we met the owner of the grounds, and his daughter, both aboriginal, though the daughter looked very familiar, like I might have been in school with her. Apparently the best man (I think) of the coming wedding had gone to HS with the daughter, and maybe I had too. She had helped him find his spirit guide and he had fallen in love with her. The Daughter had not. The owner thought this was all terribly amusing. The young man was so very enamoured in a most harmless way, and his daughter was obviously just kinda annoyed. lol.
The best man (again, I think), asked the daughter to commune with his spirit guide, and then she would know exactly what kind of party to create for him. I thought it was going to be his birthday party...
When we got to our first destination, the event was actually a wedding! The couple and their wedding party were wearing wellingtons! Even the bride hiked up her dress and splashed through the shallow water to get to this HUGE flat rock about 10-15 ft out from the shore. They were married at the peek of sunset. It was gorgeous. I totally had wedding envy! All the leaves were red, yellow, and orange, they lit up in the setting sun. It was so magical!
After the ceremony they a band with bongo drums and such playing music on the rock, and as the sun disappeared behind the trees, they had fire blowers (people that light liquid from their mouths on fire) all over the side of the hill near the edge of the lake. There was like 7-8 of them spitting fire and juggling torches. Everyone was sitting on blanket on the side of the hill watching the show, talking, laughing, cuddling. In fact, everyone was cuddling. It was such a friendly, positive atmosphere. Really, very cool. They even had people coming around with free beer, including the best man who was glowing with pride. It was such a wonderful celebration!
Then we went for a walk in the woods - along a path to a clearing up the hill. No one wanted to leave the lake, but I guess you can only spit fire for so long. The owner's daughter met us at the clearing and told us we were going to all find our spirit guides. She said it could take anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours. She told us to go look a the board to see what our spirit animal could be, then to walk out into the woods for 20 minutes, but to be sure to be back by then as she was going to be putting on a show.
As she said this used the big ceremonial knife and cut two holes in the skin on the side of her abdomen. She worked her fingers into the hole, lifting the skin from her body. Very bloody! She implied, I think that she was going to do something with her spirit animal for the show, and immediately I had an image in my head of her wrapping a snake around her body and into the hole in her skin. *Shivers*
I think is when my brain decided to distance myself from what was going on, and the dream became more like a movie that Chris and I were watching, and the girl that I was identifying with/the main character of the movie we were watching, was this 17-18-ish yr old girl with long dark blonde wavy hair, and an asshole for a boyfriend. She freaked out when the woman started pushing her fingers into the hole she'd made in her skin - rightfully so. Everyone else was either already half way to the woods to find their spirit animal, or was in the "cool! blood!' group.
The girl was really upset, and wanted to leave. She asked her boyfriend if they could leave now, and he was so cruel! omg! He told her he thought it was cool, and what was her problem anyway, and he wasn't going anywhere. The girl said she was going to walk home, and her boyfriend laughed in her face, asking if she was going to walk for two days, she said yes. No one else was willing to help her, or even give the poor girl a ride into town!
So she started walking. At this point I thought/said to Chris, "uh oh, she's never going to get home. She's going to come to some horrible end on the road home, just watch".
Well she walked, and walked, until the sun came up, and she was still walking by the side of the road, so tired so almost fell into traffic! The fact she wasn't dead yet was rather impressive. Though why she didn't just walk to the nearest town and see if she could bum a ride to the nearest bus stop I don't know.... I guess it wouldn't be a movie if people did the smart thing, this is what Chris is always telling me anyway.
So we fast forward to the next night I think. She's found a pay phone. We can see her breath in the streetlight. She calls her dad whom she lives with. She knows he's not happy taking her in after she left her mom - I think her mother was abusive, I got the feeling her mom was not fun to live with and her father had taken her in sort of against his will. Anyway, she calls. She's almost in tears. You can see the desperation in her face/eyes. She doesn't think she'll ever make it back home, not that it was much of a home to begin with for her. She asks her dad if there's anything he wanted to tell her. He doesn't understand. She says, about the time she's been gone, is there anything...different. I think she wants to hear that he misses her, that he wants her home, where has she been? She was only out on a date, and now she's been gone days. But instead he says "it's been nice without you here." She starts crying, her hand over the phone so he can't hear her gasp in pain. Her voice strangled, she tells him she'll just go back to living with mom if that's the case. Oblivious, and callous, he says okay and asks her if there was anything else she wanted. No she says and hangs up. Now utterly lost.
The next thing we jump to, is a bunch of young people sitting in the seats of a old-looking theatre. The stage lights are on, but there is no one on the stage. A tall, thin, elegant woman, with black hair pulled back in a severe bun is standing talking with them. She is most definitely in charge. She's wearing a dancer's outfit, come to that so are all the young people. She's telling them that part of their job is to come to shows while they are not dancing and to work the room, making sure guests are having a good time, and to liven up the parties before and after shows. She tells them their goal is not to dance well but to dance tolerably. She makes them all repeat this. As the 'camera' pans, we see our girl! Her face looks older/harder. Her hair is back in a bun like the instructor woman's. She's wearing a LOT of make-up with bright peacock blue eyeshadow that matches the blue leather of her dance shoes. You can tell her life is hard, but she's surviving, somewhere in the time lapse something innocent in her died, but she learned what it meant to really stand for herself and to survive. You could see it in here eyes. Come hell or high water, she was going to survive.
This is where the dream ends...
My dream started out with myself, Neda, and Chris being invited to a party, I think by a gay former co-worker. We saw him on the way there, he was bringing his bf, and some other people... The party was at a camp ground, closed to the public for winter, though it was fall.
When we got to the camp ground main building/gates whatever, I can't really remember the surroundings, we met the owner of the grounds, and his daughter, both aboriginal, though the daughter looked very familiar, like I might have been in school with her. Apparently the best man (I think) of the coming wedding had gone to HS with the daughter, and maybe I had too. She had helped him find his spirit guide and he had fallen in love with her. The Daughter had not. The owner thought this was all terribly amusing. The young man was so very enamoured in a most harmless way, and his daughter was obviously just kinda annoyed. lol.
The best man (again, I think), asked the daughter to commune with his spirit guide, and then she would know exactly what kind of party to create for him. I thought it was going to be his birthday party...
When we got to our first destination, the event was actually a wedding! The couple and their wedding party were wearing wellingtons! Even the bride hiked up her dress and splashed through the shallow water to get to this HUGE flat rock about 10-15 ft out from the shore. They were married at the peek of sunset. It was gorgeous. I totally had wedding envy! All the leaves were red, yellow, and orange, they lit up in the setting sun. It was so magical!
After the ceremony they a band with bongo drums and such playing music on the rock, and as the sun disappeared behind the trees, they had fire blowers (people that light liquid from their mouths on fire) all over the side of the hill near the edge of the lake. There was like 7-8 of them spitting fire and juggling torches. Everyone was sitting on blanket on the side of the hill watching the show, talking, laughing, cuddling. In fact, everyone was cuddling. It was such a friendly, positive atmosphere. Really, very cool. They even had people coming around with free beer, including the best man who was glowing with pride. It was such a wonderful celebration!
Then we went for a walk in the woods - along a path to a clearing up the hill. No one wanted to leave the lake, but I guess you can only spit fire for so long. The owner's daughter met us at the clearing and told us we were going to all find our spirit guides. She said it could take anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours. She told us to go look a the board to see what our spirit animal could be, then to walk out into the woods for 20 minutes, but to be sure to be back by then as she was going to be putting on a show.
As she said this used the big ceremonial knife and cut two holes in the skin on the side of her abdomen. She worked her fingers into the hole, lifting the skin from her body. Very bloody! She implied, I think that she was going to do something with her spirit animal for the show, and immediately I had an image in my head of her wrapping a snake around her body and into the hole in her skin. *Shivers*
I think is when my brain decided to distance myself from what was going on, and the dream became more like a movie that Chris and I were watching, and the girl that I was identifying with/the main character of the movie we were watching, was this 17-18-ish yr old girl with long dark blonde wavy hair, and an asshole for a boyfriend. She freaked out when the woman started pushing her fingers into the hole she'd made in her skin - rightfully so. Everyone else was either already half way to the woods to find their spirit animal, or was in the "cool! blood!' group.
The girl was really upset, and wanted to leave. She asked her boyfriend if they could leave now, and he was so cruel! omg! He told her he thought it was cool, and what was her problem anyway, and he wasn't going anywhere. The girl said she was going to walk home, and her boyfriend laughed in her face, asking if she was going to walk for two days, she said yes. No one else was willing to help her, or even give the poor girl a ride into town!
So she started walking. At this point I thought/said to Chris, "uh oh, she's never going to get home. She's going to come to some horrible end on the road home, just watch".
Well she walked, and walked, until the sun came up, and she was still walking by the side of the road, so tired so almost fell into traffic! The fact she wasn't dead yet was rather impressive. Though why she didn't just walk to the nearest town and see if she could bum a ride to the nearest bus stop I don't know.... I guess it wouldn't be a movie if people did the smart thing, this is what Chris is always telling me anyway.
So we fast forward to the next night I think. She's found a pay phone. We can see her breath in the streetlight. She calls her dad whom she lives with. She knows he's not happy taking her in after she left her mom - I think her mother was abusive, I got the feeling her mom was not fun to live with and her father had taken her in sort of against his will. Anyway, she calls. She's almost in tears. You can see the desperation in her face/eyes. She doesn't think she'll ever make it back home, not that it was much of a home to begin with for her. She asks her dad if there's anything he wanted to tell her. He doesn't understand. She says, about the time she's been gone, is there anything...different. I think she wants to hear that he misses her, that he wants her home, where has she been? She was only out on a date, and now she's been gone days. But instead he says "it's been nice without you here." She starts crying, her hand over the phone so he can't hear her gasp in pain. Her voice strangled, she tells him she'll just go back to living with mom if that's the case. Oblivious, and callous, he says okay and asks her if there was anything else she wanted. No she says and hangs up. Now utterly lost.
The next thing we jump to, is a bunch of young people sitting in the seats of a old-looking theatre. The stage lights are on, but there is no one on the stage. A tall, thin, elegant woman, with black hair pulled back in a severe bun is standing talking with them. She is most definitely in charge. She's wearing a dancer's outfit, come to that so are all the young people. She's telling them that part of their job is to come to shows while they are not dancing and to work the room, making sure guests are having a good time, and to liven up the parties before and after shows. She tells them their goal is not to dance well but to dance tolerably. She makes them all repeat this. As the 'camera' pans, we see our girl! Her face looks older/harder. Her hair is back in a bun like the instructor woman's. She's wearing a LOT of make-up with bright peacock blue eyeshadow that matches the blue leather of her dance shoes. You can tell her life is hard, but she's surviving, somewhere in the time lapse something innocent in her died, but she learned what it meant to really stand for herself and to survive. You could see it in here eyes. Come hell or high water, she was going to survive.
This is where the dream ends...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wedding Industrial Complex: The Vagina Tax
Like it's not bad enough the WIC tries to make brides (aka ME) crazy, whether they listen to what the Wedding Industry and Societal Expectations deem they should do or not, but now, now even as a guest at a wedding I'm paying a freaking tax for having a vagina!
When will this insanity end?!
What am I talking about, you ask? Bridal Showers. You're one of the 50 women on my guest list, so you must come to my mother's house, make nice, drink tea, and eat tiny sandwiches, oh and buy me another gift, just because.
Yeah. Fucking Wedding Hoopla! I hate hoopla. I really do. I think part of it is I had way more than my fill of it with my best friends weddings. I love them and all, but come fucking on. Engagement Party, Bridal Shower, Stag & Doe, Lingerie Party, separate Bachelorette/Bachelor Parties, a gift for the bride just because, and THEN the actual wedding gift. I've done the math, and I spent about $1,000 on each of their weddings. Thank the gods I was just a bridesmaid and not the maid of honour! She spent way more than the rest of us.
I don't exactly begrudge them the money. I know they didn't exactly do it to get more money out of their guests. Well they, did, to an extent, but I've known them all my life, they are my closest friends, how could I say no?
I can and did say NO for my own wedding though. I do not want my friends spending that kind of money on me. Or having to spend that much time and effort. I just want them to show up, see me get married, and enjoy the afternoon. And, well, I want really nice wedding gifts from them. They owe me (I know it sounds horrible and selfish, but that's how I feel, so oh well). But then, they would never think of giving me anything but nice gifts as that is just how they were raised, that and they love me too.
Now, back to the Bridal Shower Issue.
I really don't like bridal showers. In terms of wedding events, I think it's my least favourite. To me, they feel like nothing more than a money grab. They also make me uncomfortable; I never know anyone there; and the atmosphere is so full of the traditional societal expectations of women (get married, make a home for your man, raise his babies and spend your life taking care of him), that it makes my skin crawl and my head nearly explode.
I may be unemployed and essentially a housewife, but I was educated as a civil engineer, and my mother taught me to be way more than some man's lackey, damnit.
Bridal showers are all about feeding the traditional role of women - gifts for the bride are meant to be things to help start her new home with her husband.
Now, there are a couple things wrong/no longer true in this statement. The most obvious to me, perhaps since I've spent the last year and a half living in sin with my fiance, is the expectation that the couple is starting a new home. In most cases these days, the couple have been living together for some time, often years. They've already established a home for themselves, if they need something, they've already got it for themselves.
The second thing that pops out at me, is the implication that the husband has no interest in anything relating to the home. Now, Chris isn't likely to get excited about some kitchen gadget, but that's not to say other men wouldn't. I know lots of men that cook, and would totally be the ones putting special pans, immersion blenders, and the like on their gift registry while their women couldn't care less. I also know some brides that would be way more excited about a tool set than say, matching china, like me. You never get cool gifts like that at a Bridal Shower though.
So, aside from being a sexist event that makes me uncomfortable, I just don't see the point, except to dig deeper into the pockets of your female guests, which is just totally uncool, for the record.
Oh! But that reminds me, my future-mother-in-law pointed out another purpose for Bridal Showers that had never occurred to me -- showing off the bride to the mother/mother-in-laws friends. Seriously. Apparently the bride is some kind of show dog to be, well, shown off?! WTF. Seeing as I'm getting married next fall, and am 'the bride', this really creeps me out. Perhaps I should be more offended, but honestly I'm just really weirded out by the idea that I'm some kind of object to be shown off, like my future-mother-in-law won me as a prize at the carnival or something? I don't know, I just find it very weird.
This has all come up because, as you might have guessed way back at the beginning of this post, I've been invited to a Bridal Shower. I really, really don't want to go, but I feel obligated. Ugh. Maybe part of it is I'm bitter? Mommy and Daddy are paying for their wedding, they've recently moved into a house.... The house I would love, but the wedding? No, I'm thrilled with our little wedding, totally under our control. All in all I'd rather be here than than there. Yet this Bridal Shower fills me with anger. Perhaps because it really just feels like another money grab to me. They have a house, they've been living on their own (separately or together I don't know) for some time, so they have to have furniture/housewares of some kind. It's not my freaking problem if they don't fit the style they want. Gr.
Money Grab. Sexist, money grab. That's what it comes down to for me, and I just can't like it. It doesn't sit well and that's all there is to it.
When will this insanity end?!
What am I talking about, you ask? Bridal Showers. You're one of the 50 women on my guest list, so you must come to my mother's house, make nice, drink tea, and eat tiny sandwiches, oh and buy me another gift, just because.
Yeah. Fucking Wedding Hoopla! I hate hoopla. I really do. I think part of it is I had way more than my fill of it with my best friends weddings. I love them and all, but come fucking on. Engagement Party, Bridal Shower, Stag & Doe, Lingerie Party, separate Bachelorette/Bachelor Parties, a gift for the bride just because, and THEN the actual wedding gift. I've done the math, and I spent about $1,000 on each of their weddings. Thank the gods I was just a bridesmaid and not the maid of honour! She spent way more than the rest of us.
I don't exactly begrudge them the money. I know they didn't exactly do it to get more money out of their guests. Well they, did, to an extent, but I've known them all my life, they are my closest friends, how could I say no?
I can and did say NO for my own wedding though. I do not want my friends spending that kind of money on me. Or having to spend that much time and effort. I just want them to show up, see me get married, and enjoy the afternoon. And, well, I want really nice wedding gifts from them. They owe me (I know it sounds horrible and selfish, but that's how I feel, so oh well). But then, they would never think of giving me anything but nice gifts as that is just how they were raised, that and they love me too.
Now, back to the Bridal Shower Issue.
I really don't like bridal showers. In terms of wedding events, I think it's my least favourite. To me, they feel like nothing more than a money grab. They also make me uncomfortable; I never know anyone there; and the atmosphere is so full of the traditional societal expectations of women (get married, make a home for your man, raise his babies and spend your life taking care of him), that it makes my skin crawl and my head nearly explode.
I may be unemployed and essentially a housewife, but I was educated as a civil engineer, and my mother taught me to be way more than some man's lackey, damnit.
Bridal showers are all about feeding the traditional role of women - gifts for the bride are meant to be things to help start her new home with her husband.
Now, there are a couple things wrong/no longer true in this statement. The most obvious to me, perhaps since I've spent the last year and a half living in sin with my fiance, is the expectation that the couple is starting a new home. In most cases these days, the couple have been living together for some time, often years. They've already established a home for themselves, if they need something, they've already got it for themselves.
The second thing that pops out at me, is the implication that the husband has no interest in anything relating to the home. Now, Chris isn't likely to get excited about some kitchen gadget, but that's not to say other men wouldn't. I know lots of men that cook, and would totally be the ones putting special pans, immersion blenders, and the like on their gift registry while their women couldn't care less. I also know some brides that would be way more excited about a tool set than say, matching china, like me. You never get cool gifts like that at a Bridal Shower though.
So, aside from being a sexist event that makes me uncomfortable, I just don't see the point, except to dig deeper into the pockets of your female guests, which is just totally uncool, for the record.
Oh! But that reminds me, my future-mother-in-law pointed out another purpose for Bridal Showers that had never occurred to me -- showing off the bride to the mother/mother-in-laws friends. Seriously. Apparently the bride is some kind of show dog to be, well, shown off?! WTF. Seeing as I'm getting married next fall, and am 'the bride', this really creeps me out. Perhaps I should be more offended, but honestly I'm just really weirded out by the idea that I'm some kind of object to be shown off, like my future-mother-in-law won me as a prize at the carnival or something? I don't know, I just find it very weird.
This has all come up because, as you might have guessed way back at the beginning of this post, I've been invited to a Bridal Shower. I really, really don't want to go, but I feel obligated. Ugh. Maybe part of it is I'm bitter? Mommy and Daddy are paying for their wedding, they've recently moved into a house.... The house I would love, but the wedding? No, I'm thrilled with our little wedding, totally under our control. All in all I'd rather be here than than there. Yet this Bridal Shower fills me with anger. Perhaps because it really just feels like another money grab to me. They have a house, they've been living on their own (separately or together I don't know) for some time, so they have to have furniture/housewares of some kind. It's not my freaking problem if they don't fit the style they want. Gr.
Money Grab. Sexist, money grab. That's what it comes down to for me, and I just can't like it. It doesn't sit well and that's all there is to it.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
'Hearing Test'
Created by Oatmeal
Apparently both Chris and I passed, as we could hear it, but only faintly. A 24 yr old friend said she dropped what she had in her hand at the time, she found it so alarming. Strange. So I guess our old ears aren't as old as they could be?
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