Stacie is a Miracle Worker.

Seriously. I came to Stacie @ Strut Salon, with hair that I'd dyed over twice with box colour (which is, apparently notoriously hard to get out). I also brought two tins of cookies: my ginger molasses cookies, and intense chocolate toffee cookies (from SmittenKitchen.com). Sorry, I don't have pictures of the cookies. I wasn't thinking of that part!



So she lifted as much colour as she could. My hair came out this even medium copper/caramel colour. If I was going for that tone, it was nearly perfect. Colour lifting is rarely that even! So go Stacie!



Then we did an amazing red over it. It came out exactly as I'd hoped!! Omg, so so so pretty! I could do a little dance, I'm so dang happy. And maybe I will before the euphoria wears off. lol.



So the lesson I have learned is: Never never box colour my hair again. The process to fix it really isn't fun, or cheap. Though, honestly, knowing what a pain in the ass (and time consuming!) it would be for Stacie, I thought it would be much more than it was.

I do think the cookies garnished some good will, which is what I'd hoped for, since the colour-adjust didn't win me points. I really do love sharing my baking with people, though. Seeing them enjoy it, is just, well, one of the best feelings ever. Usually I send stuff to work with Chris so I don't get to see reactions. He has started sending me emails with tid bits his co-workers have said, however, which it totally awesome of him; makes my day every time.


(this was my reaction when I saw how red my hair looked in sunlight--super amazing!)

Thank the Gods that I'm Canadian!!!

This: GOP Controlled Virginia Legislature Passes Two Of The Most Restrictive Anti-Abortion Bills In The Nation Just makes me sick. I'm speechless (okay, almost).

Personhood starts at conception, and birth control is banned? WTF Virgina?!

It fills me with fear. Fear for the women of America. This is such a huge step in making women not just second class citizens, but property of the men in their lives. What's next, taking away a woman's right to vote and her status as a person?! It can't be far off.

*sigh*

It's shit like this that makes me infinitely glad I'm a Canadian!

Our federal gov't may be a bunch of idiots trending this way, but they move much slower, and seem to have more real opposition with their heads on straight.

On a side note, I've been writing a novella (okay I started it in November and I've been mulling over how to end it since) about a woman that goes to Virgina to spend some time with a man she's falling for. A Marine Lt. Colonel. I was going to end it with her getting a job in Washington and coming to live with him. But I just can't do that now. I can't.

I know it's a work of fiction, and it's set up as a summer thing, and this is February, but fuck a duck! What's going on in the states right now scares me. No, I don't want my character to stay and fight the system. It's not even her system! No. In good conscience I can't have her move there. It would give me a panic attack to think of doing it myself, so I can't let a woman character do it either.

And how could a good man, which my Marine is, how could a good man, with his head on straight advocate such a loss of rights and liberty to the woman he loves?!

I'm a firm believer that love is always enough.

But I make a caveat to that...
It has to be a deep, true love, on both sides. It has to be love with respect of both (all) parties, where both (all) are equal partners, with a true desire to do and allow what is best for the other party(parties).

It can't be a selflish love, nor an 'I love you, but you make me so angry sometimes, and I just have to beat you' kind of love, nor a love where one partner 'knows best' and the other is powerless/doesn't have a say in what happens to them.

But I can't let her move there for him. I just can't. At the same time, if he really loved her, would he allow her to? With the way things are going? Could he, really let her move to a country that makes her a second class citizen!?

Do I have her stay for six months, from Aug to the middle of Feb, where this shit is now happening. Maybe then they both leave. Come back to Canada where she can be safe from oppression. He's in his early 40s. He's done 20 years for the Marines. Maybe it's time for him to retire... Live the good life, in the great white north, as it were.

I know it may seem so damn... trivial that I think of my story... but in my heart I'm a writer.. When I write, as when I read, the characters become real for me. Sometimes more real that actual people. I fall in love with them, and it breaks my heart when they die. It likewise puts me at great unease when bad things befall them, as they are wont to do. And I route for them, for their happiness and their safety...

And I know it's not likely that my story will ever get out. I know it's not likely anyone would buy it with such anti-American content, but it's NOT about that. It's about doing what feels right. Call a spade a spade, or in this case, a bastard a bastard. I will not back down. I can't; it would kill something inside me to do it. No. Just no.

How Lyrica Stole my Libido

Last winter I was hurting. A lot. Winter is worse for me. Even inside out of the cold, I still hurt more. Maybe I don't get enough sunshine? I don't really know.

Anyway. Point. I started taking more lyrica to combat the pain. I tried 225mg in the morning and at night; it was too much. After a few days my brain was just constantly fuzzy, and I felt kinda high. Like time wasn't moving right, and my brain didn't work. So I backed down to 225mg in the morning and 150mg at night, that seemed to work better. I was only fuzzy the first night, then my body got used to it.

I thought it was helping, and maybe for the winter it did. Ever so subtly though, it stole away my libido. There were other things going on though. I was in a lot of pain. I was stressed out, mostly because of the pain. I was battling depression, all of these things make me want sexy times less.

This November, for NANO, I tried to write a romance. I think I actually got more of a light weight mystery. I had a lot of trouble writing simple attraction, never mind sex scenes. I'll admit the sexy parts have always been the easiest for me, and this November it was like pulling teeth. I barely managed one short one! So not like me. It forced me to realise something was truly wrong.

Around mid summer I'd noticed something was wrong. My brain knew I needed sexy times, that I should want them, but I couldn't get my body interested, hell, I couldn't even get my mind on board.  But November was the breaking point. I couldn't deny something was fucking me. Or rather not fucking. There was just way too little fucking going on in my life.

See, my emotional state, depends so very much on my sexual release. If I don't get enough orgasms I get depressed, I hurt more, I'm down on myself, life just sucks. When my libido took a holiday it totally messed with my ability to be happy, to have any kind of energy. My sexual health totally affects my energy levels(oddly more sex=more energy & more ambition), my emotional state of mind, my state of mind period, and my self-image.

I decreased my doses of lyrica in December, to 150mg every 12-ish hours. It took a couple weeks to get the excess out of my body, but I finally got my libido back! I feel like myself again!! I'm less tired more often, and I actually have some motivation - not a lot mind you, but way better than the nothing I had for the past, oh year maybe? Not really sure, it feels like forever though.

I just can't get over what a huge difference it makes in my life, in all aspects of my life. I feel a bit... silly, for how long it took to realise something was well and truly wrong, and then more time to figure out the actual cause.

My body feels one step closer to being my own again. I can't put into words, how... good that feels, what a relief it is to feel more like myself!

Damn Lyrica. It helps sure, but fuck a duck. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the extra weight I've put on, and it store my libido. That's just not cool. I know I'm going to be very careful going forward, that no other medications screw with me again. Only my husband gets to screw me, damnit.

Chronic Pain

I feel like I live on the edge of overwhelming pain. Meaning, it takes the addition of very little pain (added to my 'average daily pain') to take me over that edge, or tip the scales, or however you think of it. Once past that point, all pain becomes amplified, I am exhausted by doing nothing, and my brain refuses to think, surviving is all I'm capable of.

I hate it. I hate that having a shower exhausts me. That I have to sit for an hour afterwards just so I don't shake when I stand up. Just so I don't bloody well faint if I try to, say, do the dishes. I hate this so much. I hate being a fucking invalid.

But I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to fight it. I don't have the energy to push though. It just isn't there anymore. Where it was, fear now lives. I know what happens if I push too hard. I end up bed ridden for days, for a week even if I'm not careful.

How the fuck am I supposed to get healthier like this?!

I just... I feel so.. Beaten. So frustrated. So fucking useless and weak - the two things I have always dreaded being. And that's what I am now.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I had the discipline, the strength, the hope to fight this. But it's gone. The pain has eaten through whatever strength I might have had.

It really doesn't matter to me that if I lost weight I'd hurt less. Sure that makes me want to loose weight, but when faced with the pain of hunger, when faced with the chronic, devastating pain I live with every day, it means nothing. I just don't have it in me to suffer further, to 'push' to exercise - because I would have to push, most days I don't have the energy to take care of myself in the most basic terms, never mind enough to go out and do things. I don't have extra energy. When I have any energy at all, I use it for useful things like, showering, doing dishes, cleaning, getting groceries, making soup, making dinner.

I hate what I've become. I disgust myself. I'm so fat my body is falling apart. I'm in so much pain, I really couldn't care less about, well, most things really. It's amazing what chronic pain will do to a person, how it will change their priorities, their personalities, their desires and goals.

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to hide from the world and wait till it's over. I have no hope this will ever get better. I know it's only going to get worse. I want to hope, but, experience tells me, no matter what happens, I'm always going to be in pain. Life is pain. That's all I know. That's how my life has been for as long as I can remember. I don't know any other life. I don't want to live like this, fuck, who would? but I don't have the faintest clue how to fix it, how to fix me.

Playing to Your Audience

So, assignment 5, the last one, is to revise a previous assignment in 500 words. I decided to go with Assignment 2, about Maddie the homewrecker and Alejandro the adulterer. No one liked my characters. It's hard to be likeable when you're dating an engaged man, and the audience is all married. LOL But I like her. I want her to be likeable. A younger woman I know read my piece, and said she felt badly for Maddie. So maybe it's just that they're all old?? I really don't know.

Anyway, the point is, I revised my work. Twice.

The first time, I reworked their relationship entirely, so they were dating casually, with no strings attached anywhere. The cravat being that Maddie wanted more from the relationship that Alejandro wanted to give. Argument ensues.

The second time, I reworked the piece so the ending was very different. Maddie was still dating an engaged man, but we learn that he doesn't love her (the woman he's going to marry), doesn't want to marry her, but is. Maddie is shocked to say the least, and heartbroken for him.

I'm not sure how I feel about the casual dating rework. It feels kind of wishy washy to me. I'm not sure how to explain, but I guess it feels unreal to me, the argument feels false. Maybe that's because I've never had that particular argument.... Maybe it's because I didn't write it well. I can't really tell. Maybe it's because I know full well that I'm playing to my audience of white middle-class, conservative, married women, and it rubs me the wrong way.

I'm not why playing to my audience irks me so, but it does. It just feels so damn wrong. Though I"m sure part of it is, I really don't identify with them. I guess I am technically middle class now, but I don't feel it. I was raised by labourers, that's who I identify with, that's the kind of life I understand. I'm a practical person, but I'm also very young at heart I think. I understand that you can fall in love with someone you really shouldn't, that you can't always help it.

I want to write this story. I want to write it so badly. But I'm afraid it won't make sense, that no one will understand. That, as my husband put it, I've bitten off more than I can chew. *sigh* Maddie is so much a part of me that I can't help but love her. Heck, I even love Alejandro a little bit, and he's pretty much a jerk. I want to tell their story.... but I'm not so sure now which part of it IS a story. Blarg.

Stories, good stories, are the significant moments in people's lives. Little blocks of time, at least the ones I tend to read, where they are faced with a decision, with a change to the status quo.... I can't write them falling in love, that bit takes time. But maybe, just maybe, I can write the moment when Maddie realises she has fallen for him, and her decision process on what to do about it. Is that a story?? I'm not sure I can tell anymore.

Knitting - GASP!

I know. It's been a damn long time since I've talked knitting. Don't fall over or anything!

So, last summer I went yarn shopping with my husband. Isn't he sweet coming to a yarn store with me? He was so patient too. Let me fondle all the wonderful yarns. He even bought me the yarn I was sad to put down, bless him! It's by Tanis Fiber Arts (go Canadian yarn!), their Blue Label Fingering Weight, in Seabreeze. It makes me think of shallow Caribbean waters or a sunny summer sky.

I wanted it for a Seraphim shawl. I made one in a buttery, sunshiney yellow last summer, and was so enamoured with the pattern I wanted to knit it again. I should also say, a year later, I still love this pattern, and I still intend to make a Seraphim shawl with this yarn.

I started the shawl last summer, on 5.0mm needles, and got about 20% done before it got close to my wedding, and I had other things I needed to knit. Like finishing the Spanish Armada shawl for the wedding, and knitting wedding octopuses. This spring, when we had a nice warm day, last week, I started knitting on it again. I got to about 25% done, and realised that on the 5.0mm needles I was getting too dense a fabric. I wanted this shawl to be very light and airy, I think that will show off the colours best, and I just wasn't confident that blocking it would stretch it out enough.

I frogged it, and it was painless! Let's hear it for frogging last summer's work! Now I'm going to start all over again with 6.0mm needles and see if that's more to my liking.

I did it

Did what, you (my fictitious audience) ask? I finally went to the gym. It's been forever. No literally. Like since before the wedding. For the most part, I honestly haven't felt well enough often. And when I DID feel well enough, I used that energy to get groceries, and make soup, or bread or what-have-you.

Today, instead of getting groceries, I went to the gym. I actually managed 30 minutes on the elliptical! For me, that's EPIC. Hell, I didn't think I was going to make it to the first five, never mind thirty. Yay me! And the gym wasn't scary or busy or anything (why I think the gym is scary I do not know, likely anxiety disorder). Everyone there is really nice, which always makes me feel more guilty for not going more often. Does that even make sense? Who knows.

Now I'm exhausted, and really need a nap. I've been up since 5:15am. I laid awake until 6am, then just got up. So it's already been a long day for me. Yesterday felt unbearably long. I have a feeling today and tomorrow will too.

I'm rather looking forward to Tuesday. It's class day, and then I'm going to go visit my parents. I think I might end up staying a few days. I don't see them enough, and I miss them. It's not like Chris will miss me, one way or the other, so why not. I don't get out much, socially. Hell, I don't really have any friends, and the last time I saw any of my acquaintances was three weeks ago now, when everyone lied and said they'd stop by that Saturday... Anyway, my point is, my parents, my mom especially, are some of the very few people I actually talk to. And I need some socialization in the worst way. One thing that truly sucks though, is I so CANNOT talk to my mom about what's really bothering me. I don't have anyone to talk to, and it's killing me, slowly. I was going to make up some emo analogy, but fuck it, it just hurts, and scares me, and makes me long for something I'll just never have again.

I was thinking of going to the Haikim Optical near-ish my doctor's office (allergy needle time) while I was in town, to see what it might cost me for 1 or 2 pairs of glasses, but the sad/scary truth is we just can't afford them. I feel truly stupid for wasting the money getting my eyes tested. My eyes have been bothering me, headaches reading, trouble with distance vision, so I got my eyes tested, not realizing we were so tight for cash I'd never be able to actually use the Rx. *sigh*

Setting - as in City

So I'm trying to work out Maddie and Alejandro's story..... Alejandro is clearly of some kind of Hispanic descent, as is his fiance. That doesn't necessarily mean the city has to have a large Hispanic population, but... that was where I was leaning.

See, I had this dream, and it stole into my brain the setting for this story. A hot city street, so hot there were heat waves rolling off the pavement. Flat roofed, five story apartment buildings with stores on the first level lined the street. Above the street everyone had windows open, fans on. Old woman were sitting in the shade of their balconies with hand fans, trying to beat the heat. Above the street there were wires strung from one building across the four lane street to a sister building on the other side of the street. Maddie is sitting in her convertible at a red light. She looks up to see a young man start across one of the wires. On the other side another young man appears. The two young men walk to each other, long heavy poles in their arms. There are men on the ground watching, some are taking money, making bets. There is an eagerness to the men that wasn't there a moment ago. The heat forgotten as they watch the young men risk their lives. The light turns green, a horn honks, Maddie tears her eyes from the young men, and speeds on to her next job site, utterly flabbergasted.

I don't know why, I guess because of the later dream, I just always assumed the above scene would happen in a Hispanic district of some kind. It's just where my brain went with it.... But that would mean Southern US. Arizona, New Mexico, or Miami Florida maybe. The more I look into a real city, the more I realise I don't know shit about life in places like that. I mean, jesus fuck, how do you survive regular summer highs of 40˚C???? How do you live without a lake, or river near you? How do you live without a good source of clean, fresh water? I live in Canada, on the great lakes for fuck's sake. I really don't understand land locked at all.

I just don't think I can write about a city I don't know..... So much for wanting it to take place somewhere in Arizona. *sigh* I just can't picture life there. Now I have to figure out how to make it believable *here*.

Hell, can it be?? I mean, I wanted part of the 'in' for Maddie was that she spoke Spanish or Mexican (I don't even know if there is a difference. Ignorant, I am). But if it takes place here what's the likelihood of there even being a Spanish/Mexican/Cuban/something Hispanic community, or hell, even just one of the young men being Hispanic of some variety?? I mean, I live here, but honestly, I don't think I could tell Hispanic from general Caucasian without hearing them speak. I see other Countries represented, but it's more clear.... Can I just assume there has to be some number of Hispanics here since Toronto is such a diverse community? I don't mean assume there is like an area that is very Hispanic, I haven't found that to be true, but would it be too much of a coincidence if at least one of the young men was from Mexico, just as Alejandro's family was?? Hrm.. I just.. I don't know...

What I do know is, I can't fake American. Maddie is... well, she's a demon, so that needs to show through, but.... Land locked, hot as fuck cities? I don't think I could fake that. I'd have better luck with Miami. At least I've seen aerial views with CSI Miami, not that I believe I know the city from a tv show, but at the very least I've seen bits of it which is more than I can say for the rest!

If feels kinda.... boring writing about Toronto, but I don't know any other city, aside from my hometown, even in the least. I mean, I have the GTA in my brain, I have a feel of them, but elsewhere, not a clue. I've visited Montreal more than any other city, and I don't think I could write about it. There is a culture there that is foreign to me, I wouldn't get the feel right. So I guess I'm stuck writing about what I know. That's a saying though, isn't it? "Write what you know".

It's not that I wanted to hide that I'm Canadian or anything of the sort. I love where I live! It's just......I had an image in my head, and where I live didn't seem to fit in a reality/believe-ability kind of way. Maybe it's the hole tightrope walkers thing.... But I want that to be crazy. That's the point.

Maybe I'm thinking too much.

The Yarn is Here!!

And now I'm thinking that perhaps I want to make an OWLS sweater instead of the Ruffled yolk one. DOH.

But when I look on Ravelry (knitters/crocheter's site) I find that of the 36 pages of projects for OWLS all but three were knit for skinny-ass chicks. I mean, super skinny.  Like, long, lean, small-boobed women.  *sigh* Of the three chubby women I found, none of them actually looked good in the sweater. BAH.

The ruffled one... well there aren't many projects, so naturally none of them of women of any considerable size.

This makes me seriously wonder.  WHERE are all the fat knitters?!?  I know they must be out there somewhere.  Do I just keep picking patterns that are totally inappropriate for my size?  Is my brain in dream land that a simple, fitted, long-sleeve pullover sweater with some kind of yolk design would look bad on me?!

I just.. I don't know. It's soooo strange. There are literally thousands of knitters that have made the OWLS sweater, and yet, none, as far as I can tell are women/for women of even close to my size.  *Sigh* Of the ones I've seen, only three are more than a size 16... 3 out of 760!!!! Three!

Bah. Bah I say.


Edit:

Here are some non-small women in the OWLS sweater.. I finally found two that don't look half bad! In fact, they both look amazing. Though I'm bigger/lumpier, it kinda gives me hope.

This is the only picture I could find of the other sweater in the running:

There really isn't all that much difference between the two.  The cuffs/collar/bottom on one is ribbed on the other it's garter stitch.  The body's are the same.  The only noticeable difference is in the yoke, the bit around the shoulders.  I can't decide which will suit the amazing purple heathered yarn I have. damnit.  Help?  Please???

Depressed...

I had a nap today. While listening to an audiobook even.  I started feeling heavy, sore absolutely everywhere. It hurt so bad. Like sinking into a vat of mild acid or something... And then darkness. I woke up when my phone bugged me to take meds, but was still too tired, so I stopped it and didn't take my meds.  They're for pain, but I HAVE to take them with food. I'm heating up something for lunch, I'll take them then.

When I did finally wake up... I realised why I didn't want to make up. Realised why I let myself fall into painful sleep.  Besides the fact that I didn't sleep well last night and woke up too fucking early for what little sleep I got.... I'm depressed.  I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Hide from everything.

I've got a child inside that loves Christmas more than anything else in the world. Because everyone smiles. Everyone comes home. Our home feels like the centre of the world. Hugs abound. Laughter. Yummy cookies before dinner!  Yummy turkey! Dinner with more than the three of us! Krokono (or however it's spelled) came out! We all played, no matter how bad we were. Family. Family all around. Talking all at once. Laughing.  The older I got the more the giving of presents has become important. Being able to give my parents back something. Being able to make them smile.  Still the kid. Still seeking approval. Their joy became everything.  Eating breakfast together. Roppie Pie... mmmm.. All the roppie pie I could eat!  Yeah, Christmas time was great.

Christmas hasn't really been like that in some time though.  There's fewer of us.  Most of mom's kids just don't visit.  They have grandbabies of their own now, now THEY are the ones being visited. A few still come, maybe three of the 7 or so that used to.  They don't stay long, but it's still very nice to see them.  Uncle Don is more quiet, less likely to smile now that his wife isn't here with us anymore.  But he comes.  There's no more krokono.  Everyone just lost interest I guess.  Aunt Gladis, uncle Don's wife would always play.  It would her, Pa, and Uncle Don beckoning someone to come play with them, but with just the two men... it wasn't the same.  But there was still smiles. Still laughter.  Still family.  Still goodies, and gifts, and yummy food my mommy made.  When I actually had money, and a life of my own, being able to shower my parents with gifts they way they always did me, was the greatest joy.  Their surprise.  Their joy.  They didn't always love what I got them, but they were grateful. That's how they raised me to be too.  They knew how much it meant to be, to be able to give to them.  I miss that sooo much.

As of last year, my Christmas was not my own. I was part of a couple.  Now I'm married.  I have obligations to both families.  We don't drive.  It's at the very least an hour and a half between them.  Because of transit, it takes as long to get to his parents from our home in Toronto, as it does to get to my parents. And the time to get from one to the other is about the same as that as well.  If we don't start at one of our parents house then we're going to end up spending six hours traveling Christmas day, and barely an hour or two with either family.  And then boxing day, instead of resting, we have to spend it with his extended family.  It's just not fair. His family always ends up weaseling more time out of us.  And we always end up leaving feeling depressed.  His family means well I'm sure but the constant barrage of questions and remarks that clearly say, "Why aren't you living like us? Why aren't you living up to our expectations? What's wrong with you? (and just for me: Why aren't you soldiering through, it's not that bad? Why aren't you working? Why aren't you in school?)"  It leaves us exhausted, grumpy, and at least me, sad.  I do not look forward to any of that.

Chris said we don't have to spend Christmas together. Lots of couples don't. We could go to our respective parents.  Yeah, cause that's just what I want to do. I want to abandon him.  I want to spend my once favourite holiday away from him. This is not what I want.

But I can't seem to figure it any way that will work.  My parents no longer have a spare bedroom.  Or, rather, I no longer have a bed there.  My Aunt Barb is planning on staying at my parents a few days before Christmas. That means she'll be sleeping on the couch or on the air mattress on the floor in the living room.  There would be no room for us if we wanted to sleep there. Just, literally, no room.  I so do NOT want to sleep at Chris' parents.  They're nice enough and all, but I would be so so so uncomfortable there. I wouldn't sleep a wink. I'd be sick and feverish the whole day as a result.  No, no, we can't do that.  So what?  We sleep at home and get up at 6am to catch the 7:30am bus to get to my parents by 9am... so we can get started on making/helping my mom make dinner.  Because I don't want her doing everything by herself this year. It's too much. I'm not a bad cook.  If she directs, I'm sure it will be fine.  Though I don't see why we'd need to get started at 9am.  I tried to tell Chris there was no way we were getting mom to not cook the turkey.  She's just going to do it, and we won't even know she has until we smell it cooking hours later (if we were to stay over).  We so don't need to start the veggies and such at 9am! pft!  Mom will bake the pies a few days before... I'm thinking I might come home and ask if I can help. Hell, I'll ask for lessons!  I'm terrible at pie crust rolling.  I wanna do it with her cheering/instructing.  She can peel and cut the apples.  Show me how much to add. I've never done it!  I want to help. I really do.  If I make it like she's doing ME a favor, she'll be more likely to let me in.  Especially if I'm there in the morning and ready.  So, we'll see, THAT might work.  *Sigh*  but then we still have to see his parents.... which would mean leaving before dinner was done, very likely. Or just after. And then staying late at his parents WAY past my bedtime like we did last year.  I was hoping we could invite Chris' parents to my parents.  That was HIS idea. It's a good idea. But that means a ton of people at my mom's house. If I'm not there to make sure she isn't doing too much I'll worry.  Like really worry.  And Chris will guilt me into being even more worried.  So yeah...

Christmas is now just a fucking nightmare and I want to hide under the covers and pretend I don't exist -- my standard response when things make me this sad and I feel just as helpless, just as useless as I do now to make anything at all better.

I mean, I have fibro.  I AM useless. And everyone around me knows it.  My mom worries I'll do too much, and does for me.  Chris worries I'll wear myself out and doesn't let me help even when I'm up and around.  I'm like morbidly obese, icky eye candy or something.  Not even good for looking at, but that's all I'm good for... =/

Hunger & Fibro

There's something seriously wrong with me.

Well, duh, right?  But I keep thinking/saying this. To myself, and to Chris.  I know I have fibromyalgia, but admitting all the ways that it fucks with me is really hard.

I get tired so easy now, and not just a little tired, but like, bone weary, wear the ache just seems to go all the way through me.  I hurt for no reason, and for me is, so very very frustrating.  I still say things like, "why do I hurt?  There's no reason for it damnit. I haven't done anything."  And Chris will respond, "You have fibromyalgia, that's why."  I know logically, that's all the explanation there is.  That's fibro's main symptoms.  And yet.  I still feel.....angry... frustrated...

The same damn thing seems to happen with hunger that does with other pain/touch responses.  My fibromyalgia actually heightens my sensitivity. Like I fucking need that!  Hello, fat chick here! And yet... for the past week now I've not been sleeping well, why?  Because I've been going to be a little hungry, I mean, eating just before bed is a bad idea right?  So I wake up at like 4am, 5am, 6am (today I'm lucky it was this late), and I'm starving.  I'm not just normal hungry.  I'm so hungry I'm curled up in a ball of pain as my stomach growls, and clenches, and it feels like the hunger is burning all the way up my throat. I've tried ignoring it.  All that happens is I lay there awake, for three hours, in pain so bad I want to cry or scream, waiting for Chris to get up, waiting for it to be a reasonable hour, so I can finally EAT something.

I do not like this pattern.  I don't know what the fuck started it.  I don't know why my stomach is suddenly so very very needy.  I've had acid reflux issues on and off over the past few years.  I think it's hereditary.  My mom (aka grandma) has it, and so does at least 2 of her children.  I also had antibiotics chewing through my belly, and fucking up my sleep patterns for the past week as well.  So I'm taking Nexium at bedtime, for the acid reflux.  I'm hoping it will eventually help.  3 days in, and the pain in my throat isn't as bad, but it's not better. I'm hoping that means I'm healing, slowly.  If things don't improve pain-wise in like a week or so, I have to give it time to work afte rall, then i'm going to bug my doctor.

What I'm really worried what has happened though, with all my meds, and the weird times I've ended up taking them, and almost all of them require food, or to be taken with food... that I've been eating at odd hours, and eating more than I normally would in some cases.... is that I've managed to stretch my stomach out even further. In less than a fucking week... Because I've noticed for the past three days or so, when I wake up hungry, it takes a lot more than it used to, for me to feel full, for me to not hurt from hunger even.  Like, two pieces of toast just don't do it.  That's a good breakfast damnit. There have been many times in the past where I couldn't even finish that! Now... Now I eat that and my tummy still hurts until I have like some yogurt and an apple, or two.  This is just ridiculous.

I know how to shrink my tummy. It's just will power and suffering really. You stop eating so much. And in 3 to 10 times as long as it took to stretch, your tummy will, eventually go back to normal.  I'm not big on suffering, as you might imagine.  I'm so not looking forward to this.  I'm not even sure I have the bleeding will power. I mean, I can't fucking sleep! I'm too damn hungry to sleep.  This is fucking insane. Grr! I hate my body.  But I know I need to try. Even for me this is excessive.  And I don't like it.

The hypochondriac in me is wondering if I have an ulcer, or some other real kind of stomach issue that would cause this much freaking pain.  But realistically, I'm pretty sure it's just my fibro finding yet another way to fuck with me. *sigh*

We're Married!!!!

We're married!  We did it!  Yaaaaay!

I don't have any pictures to share because I was too busy getting married to take any! ;)

All my planning and preparations paid off.  Everything went so very smoothly!  Only two tiny things didn't go as planned:

(1) We didn't end up getting my laptop set up so Neda could skype in.  We just didn't have the time.  Though oddly enough we were running ahead of schedule all morning until about 9am.  But then, that's exactly why I have us extra time!  On the plus side Sabrina and Brian were able to record the ceremony with their fancy schamzy new camera, so Neda will get to see it!

(2) The boutoneires I made didn't sit quite right. They were too heavy, in part, and as my Pa pointed out (he is soooo smart!) I put the pins too low, it would have worked better with them higher.  How he knew that I don't know.  I've got such amazing parents, I do!

And that's it really. Everything else went according to plan, or at least worked out just fine, so yay!  And really, as far as what could go wrong, such minor things as did, really aren't a big deal at all. Honestly, I'm thrilled everything went so very smoothly!

The catering manager said this was the easiest wedding she'd done, and I was the nicest,  least bridezilla bride she's ever had to deal with!!  This makes me very happy indeed!  Chris joked about me being bridezilla, but honestly, not so much.  I was my bitchiest as I was waiting for Chris to do up my dress, and while he was doing it.  Mostly because I felt to dang helpless. Doing up my dress, since it's a corset back was something I could most definitely not do myself.  Giving up control bothered me, but mostly being so helpless frustrated me.  Having to stand around waiting for someone to dress me was the oddest feeling ever! So helpless, so indebted.  I like being able to do for myself damnit. lol.

Everyone loved my dress, was impressed with my flowers, even more so when they learned I did them myself! :D  Chris was my cheerleader and helper the whole day through.  People kept complimenting the wedding, and the things I made, and Chris would pipe up 'She made that too', and everyone would be even more amazed! Heh.  I honestly thought people realised I'd made all the things I did, but they always seemed surprised when Chris told them I did it, so yay!  Go me! The crafty bride!  Judy, our photographer told Chris that I was the craftiest bride she's ever done a wedding for!!  How awesome is that?!

One of my oldest friends, Will, who is the other half of Will and Angie (two of my oldest and dearest friends), who has always been kinda like our big brother, and often 'one of the girls', was just totally amazing for us on our wedding day.  He took care of the music, helped up coral people, drove us out to the picture location, stayed and waited to take us back to the hotel.  Got me food and water when we arrived back at the hotel - I was just so thirsty, and really sad we didn't get to even try our hors d'ourves. I totally didn't ask, he just came out with a little plate and a glass of water! My hero!  Chris said then, he really is like an older brother, and he is.  I wouldn't feel right without saying how wonderful he was, he really made things so much easier for us.  He totally stepped up, like he always does 'cause that's the kind of man he is, and I love him to bits for being such a wonderful man. :)

Now to the events in the order they occurred...

The ceremony was an amazing blur for me.  I remember Carole our officiant reading the part about the teapot that I wrote, and smiling at me.  That was awesome.  She really seemed to get it, which thrilled me.

The pictures went off without a hitch, we got to use the most amazing backdrop of fall colours!  A pond, with changing trees behind, oh it was breathtaking!  The pictures of just us were fabulous. It felt like we got a lot done, and honestly, it really felt like we had three hours with Judy, not just the one and a bit we did have, so YAY.  I really can't wait to see the pictures!!

Dinner was lovely, just... lovely.  The tables looked amazing with all my ornamental gourds against the black table clothes.  Everyone seemed to like the hors d'ourves I picked!  Except for the spring rolls; they were not what I expected either, but that's okay, there was more than enough food!  Dinner itself was great.  The buffet worked out really well I think.  And the fact that we had extra space was awesome - the two and three year old had lots of room to play and run around.

Thanks to Sabrina, everyone signed my guest book.  I got smiles and laughs about my octopus comment (the sign I made said if they didn't sign the guest book, the guest book octopus would get them), and the actual knitted octopuses. The four kids, and their parents seemed very pleased that they each got to take one home! So yay!!  My cousin Malcolm, ever the sweetheart, asked me which one was my favourite, and that's the one he picked!

Everyone just loved the cake.  I received lots of compliments on how good it looked, how professional.  Then they ate it, and were blown away by my chocolate cake! YAY!  I cut the chocolate, bottom layer first, so a lot of people didn't get to try the coconut, but that's okay. Even Chris' shy cousin asked, in a kind of awed voice, if I'd made that chocolate cake, and if I made it often!  I said yes, it's my go-to chocolate cake.  He seemed really surprised and impressed! Woohooo!

The flying pigs, though some loved straight off, most didn't get until I explained - I always said I'd get married when pigs fly...  David and Alice have to be some of my most favourite people, they loved the piggies straight off, and didn't need an explanation to make them awesome. :D  David even mentioned that when I'd written on facebook that I was knitting octopuses for the wedding he'd thought 'this wedding is going to be awesome'!  It really well and truly makes me feel just amazing when people actually get my sense of humour and understand my... aesthetic.  So woohoo!

Everyone said there goodbyes after cake - it'd been a long day for everyone, I was totally okay with this timing!  And by 4:30 we were in a cab and on our way home.   We got to have a nice nap, then Chris made me dinner!  We had snuggles and TV in bed.  The perfect ending to our day - for us.

Wedding Bouquet Doubts

Since having my Bridal Photo session - which went wonderfully - I've been doubting my original plan for a wedding bouquet. *sigh*

I wanted to do something simple, in red roses, because those are the ones that call to me. Something like this:

I've bought this large crystal buttons to go between the roses and some smaller crystals from a bead sore to add in the centre of the flowers.

But..... When I had my photo session yesterday, Judy surprised me with a bouquet made by a florist friend of hers. It was fabulous!  Red roses with green and white orchids, pink-ish tiny flowers, golden gerbers, this deep red fuzzy flower, lots of green leaves, ivy, and little apples for pete's sake!! Oh, and there was a calla lilly in the centre that was orange tinged with red.  Perfect colour for the bouquet.  Altogether it had a very fall feeling, and totally complimented my red dress!  In fact, the red roses were the colour of my dress!

It was heavy though. OMG. I really don't want my wedding day one to be that heavy!  It was straining my arms! lol.  Clearly I need to go to the gym, but I kid you not it weighed more than my macbook(which is 7 pounds)!!

So after seeing the teaser photo Judy posted on facebook yesterday of my dress with the bouquet, I'm re-thinking my plan.  Judy also told me that her florist friend recommended against the red red roses I love because they are the colour of my dress, and this will just blend into my dress in photos.  *sigh*

Seeing the roses yesterday, in person and in the photo with my dress I know she's right.  I hate it though.  I was hoping the crystals would be enough to bring out the bouquet and make it a separate thing, but I think instead the crystals will just swim in a sea of red.  NOT what I want.

I've looked at black magic roses, which are darker, on the recommendation of said florist, but they are too dark for my liking.  This is a bouquet that uses them, and black-red calla lillies.  I like it on it's own. I like it for a bride in white, but with me in red, and my now dark red hair, I worry it's just too much dark.  Especially with me being so damn pale!

I'm torn between something very simple, and something full of fall colours and flowers.  I know both will look good, but I keep coming back to our theme, or rather non-theme.

We aren't decorating the banquet hall we are having the wedding at - it looks great as is frankly.  It has dark wooden walls, modern photos hanging, awesome modern chandeliers - it has a very European/urban/modern feel to it. It's very us.  Like a ritzier version of us.  The tables will be set with white table cloths, with black ones over top diagonally. Very modern. Very simple. Very timeless.  And that's me.... I always dress in a "classic style", as in, I don't go in for trendy stuff often, and I can't be bothered with fashion, and just want to look nice.  I want that feel for the wedding.  Honestly, I originally wanted a fall theme, but that's just way more work than I'm willing to put in or ask my guests to help me put in.

So, I want my flowers to fit into this modern, simple, timeless theme.  I want to be able to use the crystals I bought damnit! I spent like $20 on them! Shhh.. Chris will have a fit I'm sure.  But I love them, and I think they could totally work in another bouquet... I just don't know what exactly to do.

I've been looking at white bouquets, and all the ones I love have fiddlehead ferns in them, but can I find fiddlehead ferns in the wholesale flower shops I was hoping to get my flowers from? Noooooo!  I can't even seem to find any mention of them on the websites of local florists.  WTH Toronto!!

I love this:

And this:

Honestly, I love the first one the best, it's so eclectic! And bright and dark and fresh!  I honestly would not be able to do that myself though, and I really really want to do my own flowers damnit.

The third one I could totally do, if I could find some damn fiddle heads.  I would use more white and cream roses. I could add my crystals to them and it would look very nice I think. There's hydrangea in there, I could do that, I think I would also like to add some mums maybe, and a few dahlias.  If I couldn't find fiddle heads, and it wasn't a deal breaker for me - right now I'm not sure if it is or not - I could add some dark wheat stalks as a contrast piece, I saw them at the local florists.  I could even add some dark branch limbs, maybe...

I do love fall bouquets though. *sigh*  The bright sunflowers, the dahlias, the mums, the fuzzy flowers (whose name I don't know) that comes in such deep colours, the ornamental cabbages!!  Oh I love those!  But they open a can of worms, so to speak, that I'm not really sure I want to open. I love fall colours, I love fall leaves, I love  mini gourds and little pumpkins! Omg, so cute!  So if I had a fall bouquet I'd want to incorporate fall colours even more. I'd want fake (or real) leaves for the tables. I'd want mini gourds, and tiny pumpkins, possibly in vases, possibly just strewn about the tables.  I'd want orange, red and yellow everything!  I know me.

It would make me happy, but it would cost.  It would also ruin the modern/timeless theme we have going on that we didn't have to even work for! I like that.  I have fibro.  I have very limited energy.  I'm likley going to spend the next week struggling to get my cakes baked(a task that even I could do in a day normally) because I over-extended myself this week.  *sigh*  I really don't need to add more to my plate.

Judy gave me her florist friends email.  Judy said I should contact her and tell her what my budget is and see what she can do for me. She even offered to pick up my bouquet on her way to the wedding! How nice is that?!  Judy is awesome, seriously.

Part of me wonders if she just doesn't think I can do it.  She said it was one less thing to stress about.  But you know, I haven't really stressed about the flowers, until now.  I new what I wanted, and that was that. Now I'm re-thinking. I'm not stressed, I don't think. I have a few weeks, I'm just undecided.  I love flowers though. I'd really like to try my hand at a bouquet.  I don't have anything else planned for the 9th.  I don't think it will tax me too much...

UPDATE:
Since I don't actually remember sharing, I thought this would be the perfect place to show off the bouquet I did end up making. I think my fall themed flowers went great with my red dress. I cannot express how much I loved my bouquet.

Notice the crystal fiddlehead ferns, the pine cones, wheat, and large crystals interspersed with the flowers.

Husband holding bouquet. Notice the bling. I bought an M done in crystals and attached it with black ribbon to the ribbon around the base of the bouquet.

 

I had red roses, white roses, sunflowers, ornamental cabbage, and bright green miniature mums. Colourful, fall themed, sparkly, and so very perfect with my amazing red silk dress! And I made it myself in an hour or two the day before our wedding.
___________________________________________________________________________
Judy keeps telling me I should get a pro to do my make-up.  I'm not sure if it's because she's such a traditionalist, or if she thinks I do my own badly -- that's my biggest worry.  I don't have much experience doing make up, it's entirely possible I don't do a very good job.  But when I see what I've done, I like how it looks, mostly.  I wish I could manage the foundation lighter, but otherwise I think I look good. The foundation isn't caked on, it's just... it feels like my skin is hiding, and I like my skin, other than the damn spider veins I'm getting, and I don't like hiding it, flaws and all.

Maybe I'm just more of a hippie than I ever dreamed I could be??

I seem to look okay in the pictures from our photo sessions though.  I don't know if Judy had to really photoshop me or what, but I seem to look fine... Here is an example I found quickly (one of my favourite from the session):

I look fine right??

*Sigh*  I hate being so damn undecided! Bah! BAH I say!

Wedding To Do List Updated!

Awhile back I posted a Wedding To Do list, and while not a lot has changed, I have been making some progress I feel, and wanted to tick things off on my list here. I love ticking things off on lists. It brings me such joy. I just wish I could tick more of these off!

1. Finish knitting shawl!! --- DONE!! Now I just need to block it. *Sigh*
2. Make bracelet?
3. Make cuff links for Chris --- DONE!
4. Get Shasta to make/buy(?) head band


5. Find cake pans! -- DONE! Using the ones I have instead
6. Make test cake(will there be enough time now??) -- No Need. With change in cake pans, and IVORY(!!) food colouring from a friend I'm sure the cake will be fine.
7. Get Shasta to make cake topper?
8. Make wedding cake
9. Do test bouquet & buttonholes -- no need for bouquet really, I'm sure it will be fine, but I need to know if the buttonhole will actually survive a day!
10. Make wedding bouquet & buttonhole(s)


11. Chris to write his 'thank you' for wedding program
12. Finish designing/writing wedding programs -- MY part is DONE!
13. Make wedding programs
14. Buy 6x4" cards for guest book -- DONE
15. Make sign/instructions for guest book -- DONE!
16. Make container for guest book cards -- attempted, do not like attempt at all. :(
17. Buy pens?? -- DONE


18. Taste test menu options
19. Pick menu for luncheon
20. Pick wines - get help?


21. Pick music for reception & make CDs
22. Pick music for pre-ceremony time & make CD
23. Get Chris to edit processional song
24. Make ceremony music CD


25. Pick & buy wedding bands
26. Get marriage license! -- DONE!! :D


27. Apply/pay for picture permit at Humber Arboretum -- DONE
28. Pick Bridal picture day -- DONE
29. Apply/pay for for picture permit at Gage Park


30. Book hotel room with fridge for night before wedding ->ask about late check-out!
31. Email hotel contact list of questions--room for cake?! -- DONE


32. Chris to pick reading!!
33. Send ceremony to officiant for approval!!


34. Chris to get suit pants hemmed & jacket hemmed, if needed

I finally finished binding off my shawl last night! Squee! Now I have to block it, which means finding room in our tiny apartment to actually lay it out to dry. That's going to be a challenge I'm sure!

I printed the Guest Book cards, which worked better than I'd hoped! I've designed and printed the guest book instruction sign, it only needs now to be framed to be fully done. I'm waiting to get my hot glue gun out to finish that project. Hopefully today! I still need to make the box for the cards, but at least now I have all the materials I'll need. Well, except for glue, I ran out of glue stick working on the Wedding Programs. OMG, so much gluing!

I'm also working on putting together the Wedding Programs. I've cut and folded all the card stock for the covers, I've printed off the cover titles on the 4x6 cards, realised they were so thin you could see the cardstock through them! Then spent more time than I care to really admit, gluing a blank card to each printed card. Thank gods I only need like 40 of these! If it was more I'd go INSANE.

I've made up a list of pre-wedding music, and half finished a list of reception music. I want to get some more... different kinds of instrumentals in there, that Chris is supposed to get for me, so I'm just waiting on that. Then I'll burn the CDs.

I still need to call the Hamilton Parks And Rec people to ask them about permits. I feel it sucks I need a permit for just me and my photographer. And I might end up paying for a permit for two days in a row since we really need good weather to shoot in. Bah.

I still need to make a test cake, and it's truly freaking me out! I don't even have anything to put the damn cake on as of now. I really need a sturdy something to put it on as it's going to be heavy. I'm actually not sure what I'm going to do. I have a 12" square cake board but I'm positive it's not actually going to be sturdy enough to support the cake. It will be fine for the test cake I think, maybe? But I have visions of someone trying to lift the cake using the cake board and the damn thing just cracking and cake going everywhere. What I'd like is a 12" square piece of MDF I could paint and polyurethene - you know, because I don't have enough DIY projects! Maybe I'll call my mom and see if Pa would do that for me, and I'd pay for his materials....I don't mind paying! I just, can't actually get a 12" sq of MDF, nor do I have time to paint it.

Anyway! I've made progress. Real progress, I think. I'm actually at the point where I'm thinking of making a new list as I have other things on the go - crafts for a friend's bday party this weekend, and life crap - that I need it all in one place or I'm going to forget something! And it's likely going to be my taxes, cause, boy, I sure don't look forward to tackling them!

Taking His Name...Is FREAKING ME OUT!

Okay, so... When FH first proposed I asked if I could take his name and he said no. I was a little hurt, I let it go, however, a first for me really. Later I asked him why the idea of me taking his name bothered him. He said he was raised not to expect anyone would take his name... I think it freaked him out too because it made it more 'real'. Eventually I got him to agree to it - I said I wanted to, that I wanted us to be one family and that meant one name.

Now I'm the one freaking out. Big time.

I went to get our marriage license yesterday, and it comes with a info sheet about your options for name change. Apparently if I legally change my name in Ontario, because I was born here, they will re-issue my birth certificate with my new name! My old name would be in brackets beside it, but still!! OMG!

My heart is still in my throat, where it's been since reading that.

I feel like that is a step too far! I want to be Mrs. Awesome, but I don't want to erase Ms.WickedCool to do it! Ya know??

*sigh*

Now I don't know what to do.

I... I may not always like who I am, I know I haven't always liked me, but, I'm still me, I still have a vested interest in me. I'm cool with being Mrs.Awesome from this point forward, but I never thought the gov't would go back and change who I was. That's what it feels like for me. I don't know why I'm personalizing it so but I am.

I'm proud of my last name. It's where I came from. My grandparents took me in when my father basically abandoned me. They didn't have to, but they did. My name is tied to them. And I feel like having their name is tied to my loyalty, my gratitude for them being my parents. I don't want to change my freaking birth certificate!

Logically, a name change doesn't change who I am - a rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet. But it freaks me right the hell out! There is connotation in names, and I don't want for one second for my parents to think I don't love them, that I don't love being their daughter, that I'm not proud of them, and all they've accomplished, and grateful for all they've done and continue to do for me.

So what do I do? Bah. I'm the one that convinced my FH that I wanted to take his name. And I still do. I just... Fuck, why does the gov't have to fuck with my BIRTH CERTIFICATE?!

I wonder if I can apply for a name change with another branch of gov't so they will leave my birth certificate the fuck alone. I suppose I could just keep my old one and cut the new one up into little pieces?? I won't give it to them, that much I will refuse.

UPDATE!

Okay! So finding more information, yay useful gov't sites! I'm going to "assume" FH's name. That info sheet did not represent it well!

I can get my health card, driver's license(if I had one!), Passport(!), bank account's, credit cards, all in my "assumed" name by showing them my marriage certificate(when I get it of course). Wee! This is just want I wanted, and I still get to be me, Ms. Hazelton, legally, while also being Mrs. Wood for all intents and purposes! Best solution ever!

Worries Gone! Mostly, anyway!

Okay, so I think all that worrying was for nothing. But sometimes everything just seems to come at you at once, and overwhelms you with stress, and GAH.

So, Pa is home - yay! I have a ride to my dress appointment, though I'm still not sure how I'll get my dress to Toronto. I think what might be best is to schedule the bridal shots closer to the wedding, get my parents to drive me to the dressmakers to pick it up some time before that. It can live in a closet or on the hook on the back of the spare room door until then. Taking it home on the train still sounds like my best bet. If it's all wrinkled from the bridal session/transit then I'll have to get it steamed...by someone. o.0 Hopefully someone I know in this city uses a dry cleaner they like/has suggestions for me on that count.

Chris totally stepped up to the plate and is currently my hero. He got the photographer answering him promptly - amazing all on it's own! And is taking time off on the 27th, and getting someone to cover for him during business hours (which will give us more than enough time)! Squee!! So so so pleased. He's also made sure his on call week is not the week of the wedding, heck, it's not even the week before the wedding!! which is just amazingly wonderful as he is always so tried the week after, this way he will be all fresh, and bouncy for the wedding! Well, as bouncy as he gets anyway. Which, I think some of our friends would be surprised to hear, in the mornings, when he's happy, he's adorably bouncy. mmhmm.

As for the needing help bit. You know, I think if I really need it, and I need like girl help, not something Chris can do for me, I'm pretty darn sure I can ask my Toronto friends and bribe them with chocolate cake or brownies; or really, they'll just do it 'cause they love me. Cause I'm starting to realise, they do love me, at least a little. Yay!

Oh! And as for my old friends who don't actually make an effort but expect me to make all the effort - screw that! Relationships are two way streets. If they aren't willing to meet me half way, well... oh well. Maybe our road just won't get traffic. I have to take the 'it's your fault' crap with a huge grain of salt. Cause, damnit, it isn't just my fault. So there!

Stressed out, grumpy woman

My grandpa's in the hospital with pneumonia. He's in a ward now, which makes me wonder if my Mom just didn't want to tell me he was in the ICU and left that out. o.0 He's teasing the nurses, and eating lots, as of yesterday, so I know he's getting better. I'm not too too worried, or I would be at home in Hamilton. Still...worried. Omg.

Also on a selfish note, I have a dress appointment next Monday, and with Pa not well, even if he's home by then, he'll be in no position to drive me, so I have no way out there. I'm going to call my Mom later today, as she's at the hospital visiting Pa right now, as far as I know anyway, to ask if she has any bright ideas on the subject. I'm kinda thinking my uncle Bob might take us, if they aren't on vacation themselves then... as I know they go away for a week in August... *sigh* Or maybe my Dad as he's been taking Mom (Mom being his mom too) places. Very unusual that. I don't know as I've ever known him to be helpful in his whole life. No, seriously, he was never helpful to my parents, his parents, when I was younger. They raised me all on their own, never penny or any other kind of help did they see from him. Do I sound bitter? I am. For their sake. My loyalty is all for them, and I feel like he's taken advantage of their goodness and independence.

Anyway! I have no way out there. It's in Waterdown you see. Like a 25-30 minute drive from my parents. I suppose we could take a cab, I'm just worried about how much that would cost. =/ Maybe I should postpone the dress fitting until I can actually get a ride....though I don't even know when that will be. =/

And how do I get the damn dress home to Toronto? No really. I just thought of that. How do I get it here in good shape, in I can wear this down the isle shape?? Do I take it on the train?? Cause there ain't no where to hang a dress on the bus...there isn't on the train either, but there is at least more room. I could maybe sit it on the seat beside me, kinda hanging over it? I don't drive. My Pa won't drive in Toronto...most of my family would rather not or simply won't, in fact. I don't know of anyone I could ask. And I hate asking to begin with. So what do I do? Do I just get it steamed once I get home??? And who the hell do I trust with my dress??? Gee, can you tell I'm stressing? ha.

I'm also grumpy because I'm frustrated and disappointed that we can't do our engagement photos on the day we'd agreed. Chris came home a few days ago to tell me the day he previously agreed to, and specifically requested, was now during is 'on call' week, and he couldn't do it. We could have picked a day the week before, but nooo, he wanted the 27th. I honestly wonder if it did that knowing full well it would end up his 'on call' week, so he could get out of doing them. He hates having his picture taken. Almost all the pictures I have of him, where he knows I'm taking the picture, are of him scowling at me. Bah. I'm just so damn frustrated.

And now that it's wedding season, and it's in full swing our photographer basically has no time for us. Expect possibly like one day two weeks before our wedding. Bah! Oh well. It's not like I wanted the engagement photos for like... something at the wedding... I just thought.. it'd be nice to have casual pictures of us, and that our parents would appreciate them more than us in our wedding clothes. I know I'd like to have casual pictures of us, even if I am the size of a house...

I want to be all 'whatever, it doesn't matter', but it does matter, damnit. And I was really looking forward to doing them. Now I'm all disappointed and grumpy and really worried they just aren't going to happen. And angry. I'm angry damnit. And I don't want to be angry at Chris, it's not really his fault. But, at the same time it is. He picked the day damnit. She had time the week before, but nooo, he wanted the 27th. He didn't have his on-call schedule for then at the time, so he didn't know for sure if it would be his week, but at the same time, the schedule is like freaking clockwork, and he could have just extrapolated from what he knew and guessed. But he didn't bother to do that. I'm sure it will be fine he said. Well it wasn't fine. It wasn't anywhere close to fine. And he didn't even bother to see if someone would be willing to cover for him so he could take half the day. Nooo. Because he only every takes time for people, he never expects them to return the favour. *Growl*

And if I have it right, there is exactly 4 weeks of no on call time, and then it's his week again, which puts his next week as exactly the week of the wedding. Who wants to bet instead of taking the time off, he gets someone to cover him exactly the time of the wedding and nothing else?? I'd say it's a fair bet. So I'll get to do all the last minute running around, and shit all by myself. I'll then get to spend the week after the wedding, when I hopped we could have some time together, alone. He said he'd take time off, but he hasn't mentioned asking for it off yet... I don't think he has. And when he finds out it's his on call week, he won't take it off. He never does. He always plans everything around that week, like it's fucking sacred.

Maybe I'm being completely unfair because I'm stressed about everything else, and nothing seems to be going my way, so why should this? But at the same time...... He works so damn hard.... He really does treat his 'on call' week like it's a sacred duty and they'd fire him if he ever asked to change it/have someone cover for him for a day even. I don't think he values himself at all. Like he can't ask or something... Which is ridiculous. He's covered for lots of his co-workers, they should bloody well be willing to return the damn favour.

I've been telling him for a year now that he is not working our fucking wedding; that I want him available to help me on the Friday and Saturday, because I don't know what I'm going to need, and me with fibro, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do it all alone. *Sigh* But I know him. If he's on call that week, he won't help me, he won't take time off, other than the wedding day itself. And I'll be left to do it all myself, or just not have it done.

Here's where I wish I had friends I could count on. But Sabrina works full time and has three kids. She's also totally unwilling to even think of coming to Toronto, so she's no help. And Angie.... well, we weren't ever that close really, and besides, I know she always works weekends. They both blame me for not making an effort to stay in touch - I got the lecture from Sabrina over the weekend. Meanwhile it's been years since Angie actually invited me to her home or called or tried to get together with me. Sabrina always says I should come down to Hamilton and spend time with her, but she's totally unwilling to come to Toronto to see me. She does that vague thing 'we should get together', but that's it. She's works full time; she has three kids; she's busy. I'm not going to assume she can drop everything, but she never tells me when's a good time. And why is the gods damn onus all on me?! Why don't they share any of the responsibility?! It's totally unfair. And it makes me so angry. Why is it all my fault??? It's not damnit.

Anyway, back to my wedding prep help issue... I don't... I have friends in Toronto, but none so close that I invited them to my wedding, and I'd feel like a real ass asking for their help. Hell, even if they were coming, I'd still feel like an ass. I don't feel like I have any business asking them.... We aren't that close. And I'm terrible about asking for help. I hate it. Besides, I know the days before the wedding I'm going to be all stressed out, and not good company, and then asking for them to help me lug things.... No, I couldn't do it.

*sigh* Perhaps I won't need the help. I mean, it's not like I'll have a lot to do. I'm hoping to have everything but the cake and flowers done well before the week of the wedding. The cakes can be baked and frozen over the week before, and I can frost it in pieces on the Friday I think. Then I'll have Saturday to get flowers and make my bouquet and the buttonholes. Since those are the only flowers it shouldn't be too much for just me. I've already asked my semi-pro cake making friend if she'd make our cake toppers. I'm pretty sure I can do the rest myself... or you know, in a pinch I'll leave it plain and it will be fine.... assuming I can find cake pans. fuck my luck. I still don't know where to even find square pans.

Stressing! Everything is stressing me out. It will be fine. I'm sure it will be fine. Even if Chris decided to work the whole week, it will be fine. I didn't want a honeymoon anyway. I kept saying I didn't so if I don't get one, well, that's just what I asked for. And it's my own damn fault if I regret it. As for the engagement pictures....I'm as fat as a house. I hate how I look. I can't look at myself without disgust. This is not a time in my life I particularly want immortalized anyway. So if it doesn't happen, oh well. I honestly don't think I'll miss them.

It doesn't help that I feel tired and sore and bone weary all the time. It's so fucking draining. I don't want to do anything most of the time...except sleep. It's really hard to get the motivation to do anything when you're so damn tired, and riddled with pain. And nauseous. Lets not forget the nausea. I don't know how other people do it. I know others with chronic pain/illness and they are all better woman than I. They all seem to have drive and determination, and they just keep going. I honestly don't know how they do it. I can't. I just can't. I don't have it in me anymore.

Mom

I haven't posted in forever. Honestly, I've been too busy, or too tired for the most part. The last month has been a little crazy for me.

May 26th I was planning to go to Hamilton to visit my parents and get my monthly allergy shot. I get a call from my mom. I didn't answer because, well, I was exhausted and still in bed trying to actually sleep. When I got up, about twenty minutes later, I listened to the message.

My mom called to tell me to bring my keys because her and Pa weren't going to be home - Pa was taking her to the hospital. But I shouldn't worry. She was fine. A little shaky, but that was just nerves. o.0

o.0

I messaged Chris as work, nearly in a panic. Mom hates hospitals, she would not go there on a whim. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I got ready in record time and went to the only hospital I could imagine mom going to - the General. She just told me 'the hospital'. There are lots of hospitals in Hamilton! What if I picked the wrong one? What if they sent her to another? Gah. I went to the General straight from the GO Station. I took a cab. If mom wasn't there, I'd go home and hope she left a note. If not, I'd call every hospital in town until I found her. This was my plan.

Thankfully, she was at the General. I found her in an observation room in Emergency. They had admitted her and swept her away as soon as she arrived. For all the cut backs, sometimes, sometimes they get it very right.

When I talk to mom, she's shocked I came! o.0 Oh mom, she has absolutely no idea how much me all love her. Until I saw her, my heart was in my throat thinking I might have lost her -- not the last time I'd feel that way in this ordeal.

She looked pretty good, she had colour, she was talking, trying to take care of me - she was till my mom. She was still here. whew. But she was shaking. Scared I think really.

She tells me she had a heart attack, Friday night. 2am to 4am, Saturday morning, really. She was in so much pain she was scared to move. She thought she was going to die. She said if she'd had paper and a pen, she'd have written me a letter. o.0 I'm getting married in October, she didn't want me to not have a wedding if she didn't make it through the night. Jesus. She didn't even tell Pa until 11am the next morning!!

She refused to go to the hospital. Her eldest daughter was staying with them, she was going to visit her late husband's family in Calgary Monday, and getting a flight out of Hamilton airport. My Aunt tried to get mom to go to the hospital. Pa tried. No go. Finally they got her to agree to call Dr. Roy, our GP, Monday morning. But she didn't slow down! She went grocery shopping, she did laundry, she went to church, christ, she even vacuumed the living floor Monday morning. o.0

o.0


Pa had to hound her to even get her to call Dr. Roy! Finally she did. Pa then had to push to find out what Dr. Roy said. He told her to go to the hospital. NOW. Yeah. Geez Mom!

So, she's admitted to the hospital, much to her dismay. I stay in Hamilton - of course. Everyone's asking me how long I'm staying. I say, until mom is better. How could I leave?! Also, my Pa is 84. He's more capable than he lets on, but he still doesn't know which meds to take when, or even which are his or mom's. I can't leave him alone! They raised me. I'm not going anywhere until mom's home and okay.

In all this I learn she had a heart attack seven years ago! But it was no where near as bad she says. She did go to the hospital then, but they didn't test her as thoroughly, and said she was fine. o.0 My bet it she wasn't really fine, it just wasn't as obvious then.

They did all kinds of tests. We learn she did have a heart attack, and that there was damage to her heart, but they don't know how much. They schedule a angioplasty for the Wednesday, which was as soon as they could. There was this wonderful young female doctor, I wish I could remember her name! She was amazing. I really liked her. I can picture her face perfectly, but her name, I'm at a loss. doh. I'm not too positive, but I believe she was a cardiac specialist resident. She didn't look more than 28. She was a full doctor, but she had a boss, which is why I'm thinking resident. If she's the future of medicine, we don't have anything to worry about, I tell you what. Smart as a whip, friendly, caring, so so so good at explaining things! Oh, I can't speak well enough of her.

Anyway! The lovely doctor explains that they'll inject a die into one of mom's arteries, and take 'pictures' of her heart to see how it looks. If there is damage/partial blockage to one of her arteries that supplies blood to the heart muscle, which they believe there is, they will put a balloon in to compress the blockage, and then put a stint in to keep it open.

We don't find out until Wednesday night what they did/found. What a long ass day waiting! omg! My Aunt Alice and I go in to see mom Wednesday night. We meet Aunt Christine just leaviing, she's a mess. Crying, distraught. She tells us there is a LOT of damage to mom's heart. Way more than they or we thought. They couldn't fix it that way. But they can do something right, we ask. There has to be something else they can do? Right? Aunt Christine tells us all three of mom's arteries are blocked, and the only option is surgery, but mom doesn't want to do it. We all freaked out. Tears streamed down our faces. We shook. We sobbed. I thought my knees where going to give out. All three? All three blocked? Well she has to do it, I say. We'll convince her Alice and I tell Christine. We're all mom's daughters. We won't lose her. Not without a fight.

Aunt Alice and I wipe away our tears. Blow our noses. Put on our brave faces, and go to see mom. We see the drawing the doctor did of her heart. This doctor being the boss of the wonderful lady I mentioned above. He did the angioplasty. He even came by while we were there to explain to us how blocked her heart is. One of her arteries is blocked solid all the way along. The second is 80% blocked! The third is fully blocked in two places, making it unusable. Her entire heart is running on 20% of the capacity of ONE of her veins. Oh my fucking god. The doctor said they're really surprised she's still waling around. Woah. He said he's done what he can, and has referred mom to a surgeon, who will come talk to her soon.

Mom is still adamant that she doesn't want to do it at this point. She says everyone that has it done spends a year being an invalid, in pain, unable to do anything, then dies. She doesn't want that. My heart was in my throat again. I tell her to at least wait until she hears what the surgeon says before she makes a decision. Aunt Alice tells her about her husband's golf buddy who has had two heart surgeries, ten years apart, and he's fine. He's out playing golf! We try to tell mom medicine has come a long way, it doesn't have to be like that. Aunt Alice reminds her of all the great grandchildren that are going to be born in the next year - 3 more! She wants to be around to see them, doesn't she? I tell her, I'm getting married in October! She has to be there. The only reason I'm having a wedding is - my heart catches in my throat as I try to finish my sentence. I let the tears come and try again. The only reason I'm having a wedding is because I want you there mom, I tell her as I squeeze her hand. We beg her to at least not decide until she talk to the doctor.

I know my mom, if she makes up her mind, she's not going to change it. She's the most stubborn, strong willed person I know. So all I ask of her is not to decide. In my head I pray to Fria. It's been a long time, but she's the only one that's every answered. With all my heart and soul, I pray my mom just listens, just waits to decide until she knows all the facts.

We leave mom hours later, having at least gotten her to promise not to make up her mind until she talks to the doctor. Now we have to go home and tell grandpa. How are we going to tell him, we ask each other. Aunt Alice wants to wait till morning. She doesn't want to worry him. But he's already worried. This is his wife. He's been worried since Saturday morning. I decide, if he's up, we tell him. He has to know.

When we get home, poor Pa is beside himself. We left hours ago! What happened he asks. I say lets go and sit down. I can't tell him standing up. I almost fell down when I heard, I don't want him loosing his feet! So we tell him. He's just as shocked as we are. We all three agree we have to convince her. She has to do it. She just has to. We can't loose her. Pa says he'd be lost without her. And you know, it's so true. They've spent the last 63 years together! I can't even fathom it.

When Pa and I go in the next morning, we're ready for a fight. We are going to convince her. But when we get there, she's already decided she has to do it. Thank the gods. They are keeping her in the hospital - there was some question last night as to what they were going to do with her. They're keeping her until they can do the surgery. They've got it scheduled for Monday afternoon, the soonest they can manage it.

We meet the surgeon on Friday. I say we because it was Aunt Alice, myself, and uncle Russell. He tells us they are going to take veins from mom's legs, and maybe her arms, and replace the blocked arteries. Mom's heart muscle is very strong, but because there is so many blockages, it makes things slightly more risky. Yet again my heart is in my throat waiting for him to tell us the percentages. I'm thinking he'll say there's a 30% chance of her dying. I'm scared, and yet, I'll take those odds. If she doesn't do it, she might live a few days or a few months, but she won't be with us long. Dr. Lami (his name I remember because I saw it written a few times) tells us there is a 5% chance mom could have a heart attack or stroke during the surgery. Only 5%! That's a 95% chance of success I tell mom! That's great! I'll take those odds!

Mom seemed pretty stable, so I go home to visit Chris. I'd called him every night. I fell apart talking to him more than once. He was my rock. He tole me I was his wife. In sickness and in health. That's what he was there for. Sweet man. I needed to see him. I needed to spend some times with my friends. I felt a lot better coming home Sunday after some time with my beloved. He even came home with me to see my mommy. I told him he didn't have to. He said I sounded just like my mom (who I had been complaining was trying to take care of everyone but herself). Yeah. Caught. So he came home with me.

Everyone came to visit mom that Sunday. Alice, her hubby, her eldest son and his girlfriend. Christine and her youngest son, her eldest daughter, her hubby and daughter had already been in I believe. Her daughter Beatrice who hadn't really been talking to mom for. well, years. How good it was to see her there! I know just how much it meant to mom. Even two of mom's great-grandchildren who were visiting Hamilton, came in. Heck, even one of her daughters that lives in New Brunswick, came up with her husband to see mom!!

Monday Morning Aunt Alice came over around 9am, saying she was going to the hospital to see mom, she couldn't wait any longer. Pa went up with Rick and Doris (our N.B. travellers). Aunt Alice had said she was going to come back. I wasn't in a hurry. I'm just so not a morning person. But I was ready by 10 am, and wondering if Aunt Alice really was coming back. I had the phone in my hand and was looking for her cell number when she called. She said they were prepping mom for surgery and if I wanted to see her I better hurry. I called a cab as soon as I hung up with here. Heart in my throat again. I was feeling like it might just take up permanent residence there. I just had to see her. I had to. Oh gods. I couldn't miss her.

When I got to the hospital, I asked Information where she was, in case they'd moved her. I went to the bank of the slowest moving elevators I've ever had to deal with. There was none near the main floor. Screw this, I thought. It's only two floor ups, I can do those stairs. I have bad knees. Stairs in general just don't like me. On bad days my knees scream even going down, and up is always worse. But I just didn't care. I had to see my mom. I could take a little pain, hell, I could take a lot. I ran up the stairs as fast as I could. It took all I had not to run through the hallways. Actually, I was pretty winded, the main floor and one above it are extra tall, so it was more like three flights of stairs.

Mom was just coming out of the bathroom when I got there. She'd just had a bath. They already had the bed in the hall that they were taking her downstairs to surgery in! Jeez! Aunt Alice apologized for leaving me. She's such a sweetheart. She felt bad I was left without a way to the hospital. That's what cabs are for I told her. It's no big deal. I got to give my mom a hug. That's what was important. I told her she was the bravest woman I know. Alice, Pa, Doris and I all got to take the huge patient elevator downstairs with mom. Pa and I went into the surgery prep room and said our "I love you"s.

You know, if mom hadn't been in the hospital that weekend we would have lost her then. She had a few small attacks over the weekend. But she was getting better at telling the nurses when she had a problem. In the week she'd been in the hospital there had been an army of Hazeltons come to visit her. And we all told her the same thing: you have to TELL US when something is wrong! Geez. So she was slowly getting better at it. It's a hard habit to break. I have it too, I know. But things work out better when you tell people you aren't feeling well. Especially when you are in the hospital - they can do something about it.

They kicked us out at 1pm. They asked who the representative for the family was going to be when Pa and I were with her. I looked at mom. I said, she's always our rep. Who do you want mom, I asked. She said I better do it. Usually it would be the husband, but Pa is hard of hearing, and can't understand people with accents, like at all. It's best to be me. Same number, and then I can tell him, and everyone else. They tell us Dr. Lami will come see us in the heart investigation waiting room, at 5pm. We plan to be back there by 4:30pm. We don't want to miss him!

Alice, Pa and I end up arriving by 4:20pm. Just before 5pm Doris, Rick and Jean(another of mom's daughters) show up. Uncle Russell shows up just after 5pm. Our doctor is a no show, but we learn they didn't take her into surgery until 2pm, an hour later than planned. Richard, Aunt Barb's youngest arrives around 6pm. Felicia, Aunt Chistine's eldest daughter, arrives just after him. At 6:40pm, Dr. Lami finally comes to see us. He tells us the surgery went 'reasonably well'. Mom is being prepped for a blood transfusion. She's a little woman, with little veins, it was technically challenging, Dr. Lami said, but he's happy with the results. When can we see her, we all want to know. He said we should wait 40 minutes or so for them to to the transfusion and move her to the ICU. Then we can go to the ICU waiting room and call ICU West to see if we can see her. But only two of us can go in at a time he warns us.

Richard leaves, he has to go take care of his family. I can't remember if Felicia left just after him or not. Doh. Aunt Christine found us at some point. I think we'd moved to the ICU waiting room by the time she caught up with us. After we got the news Jean and Doris went for a walk. I think Alice and Pa just went to the other waiting room. I went for some food, I was freaking staring, and I had to take my meds. Taking them on an empty stomach would have been a bad idea. I wanted to call Chris, but I don't have a cell phone, I couldn't remember our 905 number, and calling our 416 would be $5 on a pay phone. And I really didn't feel comfy sticking my VISA in a pay phone.

We called 45 minutes after seeing Dr. Lami. They were still working with mom, and we couldn't see her. They asked us to call back in another 40 minutes. When we called back, they let us all come in to see her. She was in a bed near a window. She had tubes down her throat. She had needles hooked into her, and tubes everywhere. She was covered in this odd moving blanket. She was soooooo swollen. None of us had ever seen her look like this before. Pa nearly fell over when he saw her. Thank goodness he had three of his girls beside him. They kept him standing. All them with tears in their eyes, streaming down their face. It occured to me then that they were all the same height, the same small frame. I wasn't crying. She was still with us! She was here. She made it. The ICU nurse explained the odd blanket was keeping her warm with warm air. She'd had two blood transfusions. She was on lots of drugs, for pain, to help her heart work, all sorts. The nurse said she'd woken up, and squeezed their hand when they asked, and that now she was resting - they'd put her out.

Her first night was a little rough. Tuesday morning they did more tests, and found out that either during or soon after her surgery she'd had another attack and had done damage to the back of her heart. She was on lots of drugs to let her heart rest as much as it could, so her heart could heal. Scared. So very very scared. I didn't find all this out until Tuesday night or was it Wednesday? I think it was Wednesday that I learned all this. Yes, Wednesday. She was still the same, still needing lots of support. Still with the damaged heart. Jesus.

I was so scared I called Chris with no pretense even of not crying. I was so scared I was going to lose her. After all this and we were going to lose her. I couldn't lose her! I just couldn't. Heart in my throat. Tears streaming down my face. I needed him. I asked Chris to come to Hamilton, or maybe I begged, my heart was begging, I'm not sure what words were coming out; if he could swing it with work, that is. I was so scared. So very very scared.

I think it was Thursday when Chris came down to see mom. Pa and I went to the hospital in the morning and Chris met me there. We went up to see mom. He told mom he wanted her at his wedding, that he was expecting her there. She squeezed his hand. She was still hooked up to so many tubes, and that horrible tube down her throat! But she was doing better. She was stable now.

I didn't go home that weekend, Chris was sick. But mom had her tube out of her throat by Friday, and was telling me to go! I was not about to risk getting sick. I told her I was staying and why so she wouldn't worry about me. She's all hooked up, just had open heart surgery, and she's worried about me! That's my mom. I love her, and sometimes she makes me crazy.

It was a full week before she was out of ICU. But by that Saturday she was home! I left Friday to visit Chris. Mom had said they didn't think they were letting her out until next week, but she called me Saturday afternoon to tell me she was home! She told me Alice was there, did some laundry, had bought her some groceries, and that she didn't want for anything. So I came home Sunday as planned. You know, I was shocked to see her up and walking around the house. Go mom!

She's still recovering. It's a long ass road. I've been spending my weekends in Toronto and my weeks in Hamilton taking care of my parents as much as they'll let me. Mom can shower all by herself, cook dinner for her and Pa, fill both their pill cases, order prescription refills, all sorts, but she isn't leaving the house, she not that well yet. I think she's doing great! All I really do is get groceries, and do laundry, as that's in the basement.

We're working on plan to get the washer and dryer upstairs. I am finally moving out of my bedroom. Really, we're just playing tetris with the house. Most of my clothes and stuff are going up into the attic. I'm giving Pa my chair, TV, VCR, and DVD player, and letting him borrow the armour it's in. I think at some point I might want the armour back, but that might not be for many years. We're going to take apart my bed, put the frame up int he attic, and the mattress in what is no Pa's room. He'll get my room. And his room can be a pantry/laundry room I think. So much to do. Mom is thinking we don't need to move stuff up from downstairs, but frig, when I'm there I go up and down those stairs about 14 times a day! She can't be doing that. Dr. Lami said when she came home she wouldn't have any restrictions on what she could do, but how well she is makes restrictions. I'm not sure she can handle doing that many stairs! And why should she if she doesn't have to? So yeah, that's where I've been for the past month.

I have always been very very grateful to have my parents as my parents. They took me in when they didn't have to. They loved me and raised me like their own. They spoiled me, loved me, and taught me how to love, and what was really important in life. I'm so very lucky to have them. And after all this, I feel even more lucky. My mommy is going to be at my wedding. My guest of honour.

I told Chris, when we can, I want to donate to the Canadian Heart and Stroke Foundation. And I want to keep doing it. If it wasn't for them, for organizations like them, my mom would not be with us. There just isn't anything more valuable to me. I still have my mommy. And I'm hoping I'll get to keep her for many more years to come.