Ch-ch-changes!

I've decided the only action left to me is radical action. Nothing else is working so I must do something else.

I'm leaving my boyfriend, and moving to the US to work on an Alpaca farm! I love Alpacas, they are so danm cute, and they make the most FABULOUS yarns. It's something I could love, so I'm going to do it. :-D

And maybe, just maybe I can meet a cowboy of my own and we can start an alpaca farm of our own! My own alpacas... All mine to pet and fondle and shave nakie in the spring! :D I've never had to pay $28 a skien again! Mine, all mine! Weee!

A girl can dream right? ;)

I'm sorry, I just don't care...

I'm in so much pain, I just don't care about anything. I don't have the energy to care. It's taking all I got just to sit here, just to exist. I don't have anything left for caring about anything...

There are things I know I need to do. Hell, there are even things I wanted to do. But right now I just can't bring myself to do them. I can't bring myself to do anything. The pain is all consuming, all enveloping, it makes everything, everything else look insignificant, and also, frankly, out of reach.

When you really can't care about anything it's very hard to find the energy, nah, the motivation to do them. Every task is overwhelming. Every task tests your patience. And at this point, I really don't have any patience. I don't even have the patience to read 1000 words on my favourite blog, nevermind scouring entires on a job site for something I might be able to do.

*sigh* I suck. I just really really suck.

I also wish I'd brought my muscle relaxants with me as my neck is SO incredibly stiff, damnit. Tension. That's what it is. How the fuck does one wake up with a tension headache though?! I really don't get that. I'm tense and worrying in my sleep?? Perhaps though. I had nightmares all night long. I kept making up and whimpering and falling right back into them damnit. But like.... I've been having such a lovely, and otherwise relaxing weekend! I don't get it, I just don't get it.

I guess I just can't turn the worry off. It's always there. Always. Eating away at me. heh. Just like the fucking yeast infection that hasn't fucking gone way! *grumble*grumble*grumble* But my point, worry. It eats at me. I know it does. I have no was to shut if off. The reason I'm worried isn't gone, I can't stop. I don't know how. *sigh*

I'm scared you see. Very scared. Of a lot of things I guess. Mostly, I'm scared of not having any money. What very little savings I had at the beginning of November is whittling down to nothing now. I make less money working very part time than I actually spend in a month. Sad but true. And I'm not even paying rent damnit. I suck. Only conclusion there. I suck.

I'm also scared I'll never find a decent job. It's been months now, and nothing. Ok, well one thing, I didn't realize, cause again, I suck. So now I'm worried I won't ever get another offer of any kind. I do apply. I keep applying, but still, nothing.

I'm scared. I have no money. I work maybe 10 hours a week for minimum wage. I don't make enough to even pay my meagre bills. I'm scared. I'm really scared. What the fuck am I going to do?!

And right now I'm in so much fucking pain the only thing I want to so is curl up in a ball on my bed and cry. Just cry and cry and cry until there is nothing left of me. *Sigh*

Really not productive to my predicament, but I can't fucking help it. I didn't ask for this pain! If I knew how the fuck to get rid of it, other than death, I would so do it. I would. But I don't know. I just don't. *Sigh* Again, I suck..

*pout*

Sometimes I'm just a big kid.

This might be a little TMI, but bear (ha! sorry, you'll get that in a minute) with me for a moment. I'm on my second round of antibiotics - Cipro XL this time - for a very unpleasant sinus infection that's been plaguing me for just far too long. One of the well known side effects of antibiotics, particularly with women, is yeast infections. The stronger the antibiotic, the more likely the chance of being overrun by yeast (the antibiotic kills both the bad bacteria you want to get rid of, and the good bacteria that keep you healthy - like the bacteria that keep your yeast in check).

Dispite having been on numerous rounds of various antibiotics, and just being a woman these past 28 years, I've never had a yeast infection. Considering the strength the stuff I'm on now hoewever, it's no surprise that I aquired one 3 days into my treatmeant. Yay me (NOT).

Highly unpleasant, gross and disgusting. Is all I will say about the yeast 'infection' (infection is a misnomer, it's really an imbalance).

I'm sure this will sound odd, but in feeling so like... gross and unclean, and generally ow-y this weekend I've really really missed my teddy bear (I've been at Chris' since Thursday afternoon). Usually I would curl up with him when I feel like this.... he's always so comforting like that... and he's a teddy, he doesn't care if I'm yeasty, and best of all really, I can't give what I have to him, and he goes in the wash, so regardless of what I might have, there's no worry of him giving it back to me either.. *sigh* So I miss him, for the shear guiltless comfort he always brings me. A hug when I need one, with no one to ask. I can hold him all night, and all day too. He sits in my lap, he fills up my arms, he quietly comforts whenever I need him. I can put him aside when I need to and he doesn't mind a jot. The next time I need a little TLC, he's right there, just as cuddly and willing as ever.

I love my bear. I don't care if I'm supposed to be all grown up and "past tht stage". He's my bear and I love him, and right now, I miss him.

Angry Rant (with swearing)

I hate men today.

"I'm disinclined to breed at this point in time"

And with that his part in it is done, well, except to make fun of my terror every fucking chance he gets. *grumble*

Murphey's Law:
Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong, and at the exact moment to do the most damage.

Being a firm believer in Murphey's Law I have been positively terrified for the past few months that I'm going to end up pregnant. I do not, do not want to have a baby! Not now, and as this terror has shown me, not ever.

But I've been worrying, all the time, every day, all day long, that I've fucked up, that I'm pregnant. I have a bit of a hyphocondriac streak, I'm sure it doesn't help that my 19 year old cousin is in fact pregnant. She is in a better position than I am, at least she has a full time job!!

Me, I'd be fucked. My worst fear of course, is that I'd find out too late to abort. I would really rather kill myself than have a baby. No joke. I do NOT want to have a baby, and sure as fuck not now. I have no job, if I had the baby, I'd have no place to live either. Chris isn't working, how the fuck is he supposed to help me?! And would I really expect him to? No. I don't expect any man to.

So I live with this terror, and it IS terror. And every fucking time I mention my fears to Chris I get two things: first off he makes fun of me, cuase you know, it's so much fun to belittle your terrified girlfriend, and secondly I get the "if you were pregnant, you'd just know" speech.

Now, for all those of you out there that think that's true, I have one thing to say to you: you're fucking dreaming!!! Some women might know, especially ones that have gone through it before, but I'm telling you right know there is NO fucking way I would ever know. No fucking way. It's a load of Bullshit, and I won't have it.

It fucking infuriates me when he says that. "You'll just know." How the FUCK will I just know!? Is my fucking uterus going to send my brain a fucking memo!? I don't fucking think so!! I might know something is wrong, but I'm not going to have a fucking clue what is wrong. That's just fucking ridiculous. You'll just know.... Go fuck yourself. You'll just know...

I really don't like him very much right now, can you tell? Teasing is one thing, but making fun of me, especially when I'm truly terrifed, that's just.... fucking low, that's what that is. Inexcusable. Asshole.

FOs!

I have finished objects! And I've left them so long, I actually have three! For me, that's a LOT at once. I guess I've been knitting more lately.. Or rather I've been kniting littler (is that even a word?) things lately.

(1) My Koolhaas Hat.


Ta Da!

I actually made two of these hats. Identical except for the number of CO stitches. I thought it silly to take pictures of both, so pictured is v2, the one that fits me. And here is my favourite picture of me in my hat. (If you click through you can see all the notes I added. Maybe it's the new antibiotics messing with me, but I just found this shot too amusing.)


(2) The Klein Bottle Tea Cozy


I'm really quite proud of this one. It's knit entirely from a pattern on my own creation. I was inspired by the Klien Bottle hat on Knitty, but this one is all me. I knit it for Chris' brother who is the only person I have ever known to get excited about a Klein Bottle.


I really hope he likes it! Personally I think it's pretty damn cool.

(3) The Pentagonical Star
Inspired by Pepperknit's stars that she's made recently, I decided to followsuite and make one for my Chris' newest family member - his nephew.



I used left over Fleece Artist wool in a lovely bright purple and blue. Sadly, I didn't have enough, so instead of frogging the whole thing, I finished the last three points in a white yarn I had that I knew felted. They didn't felt anywhere near the same though. *sigh* What's a girl to do?

Regardless, I think it's cute damnit. It's imperfections add to it's perfection. I never understood that until now. The more I look at it, the more I like it. I like that it's a little lopsided, I think it's kinda charming! Hopefully the recipient (and his parents!) think so too.