Too much Thinking. Again.

One of my favourite quotes, talks about dreaming, something I do a lot of.

"If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time."
--Marcel Proust

This is one of the things that I struggle with. I also struggle with fear of failure and chronic pain that kicks my ass on a daily basis. Though, sometimes, I kick it's ass. Like yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. But, as payment, today I'm exhausted. I'm still hoping to do something with myself. We'll see.

But dreaming. Dreaming I do a lot. I dream about simple things, like tattoos I want, how life would be different if I just have the energy and nerve to go to the gym (no really), I dream about being braver, being obese rather than morbidly obese, about pretty shoes I'll never be able to wear (I have no arches).

I dream big too. I dream about what life would be like if I'd made different decisions, if I was a different person -- this is often where many of my stories come from, or at least how I flesh them out to make them feel real. I dream about being a writer. About being published. Of course my actual issue is finding the energy/time/creativity/bravery to actually write, to allow myself the possibility of failure. I have such a hard time with failure...

Proust is right though. They key is to dream all the time. If I did, I'd write. I'd look at my fear, face it down, and just keep going. I'd fight, I'd find the motivation, somewhere, somehow, and I'd fight. Fight the pain, fight the exhaustion, fight the fear, fight the doubt that screams in my head.

But how does one do that? How does one dream all the time? Is it even possible? Is it selfish??

Oh how I want to write. I want to write modern love stores, sex stories, mysteries, life stories. The mundane and the fantastic swirl in my head, and come out in my dreams. I want to put them on the page, I want to make them come alive in words. I want to share them with the world.

But if I'm going to write, perhaps I should look to write for money. Freelance? Make some small amount of money writing crap for hire. Ugh. I find it horribly distasteful, but as my husband pointed out, he wouldn't pick his job, if he had money enough not to work. Work is work, it's not fun, it's not something you enjoy, it's not something you may even like, but it gets you money so you can sleep in a warm bed and eat regularly. Reality shitting all over my dreams.

I have so little energy. So often I pick doing dishes, getting groceries, making food, instead of going to the gym, or sewing those curtains that have been sitting there for a year, or doing something for me. Writing is just sitting at my laptop, which I do already, but, it's still work. I still require my brain to be with me, I still require a pain level that doesn't blur my vision (yes, this can be an issue). Writing still turns my brain to mush after a few hours.

So do I dream, or do I let reality shape me? Ugh.

I mean, I take November, and I let writing be my job. I attempt to write for eight hours a day, sometimes more, because my muse, she doesn't show up when I want her to, she's like a cat, she comes and goes at her will. The point is, that month, I put everything else on hold to write. Because, you know what? Being chronically ill means, I just don't have the energy to write all day AND do dishes, buy groceries, clean the apartment (a job I find difficult when not working), watch our budget, or do fun things like, spend time with my husband, or knit or read or craft.

One thing Nano has taught me is, I can't write 'full time'. I just can't put in that many hours. I'm just not capable. I don't like letting everything else go. There needs to be balance. I just don't have a clue what that is yet. So I haven't written since then. December was devoted to Christmas. And these past two weeks?  I've been dreaming a lot about the various stories I want to write. I've also been trying to get our lives more in order, and I've been dealing with some very painful times.

I want to dream. Oh how I want to dream. In my dream, my writing eventually pays off, in that, I make some money, not a lot, but some. I've never dreamed so big as to think I'd be in line with the greats, with the women writers I love, but, man, would I love to be a footnote. I'd just like to see something I write, eventually be in print. Like actual print. Though, the first step, I think, is online publishing. Getting my work on someone's kindle, ya know?  I want to be read. I don't care if all it ever brings in is pennies. I want to be read. I want.... I want to be a writer. I have since I was a kid. I still have the same problem, I still have trouble with actually getting it done. I guess, the real issue is giving it time, taking time to write. Allowing myself the time, and space to fail, to write really badly, to learn from it and get better.

I sit here thinking about it and worrying. Worrying if I take the time, if I make it a priority, if I write what I want, my husband will get upset with me. If I can use my limited energy to do something that doesn't get me a paycheck, then I should use that energy to find a way to make us some money. I don't even know how to go about finding freelance work. I looked once, and was totally overwhelmed. I don't have ANY experience. There's nothing I can put in a portfolio. I've done some technical writing, but everything I've written was under a non-disclosure agreement, and so long ago anyway, that I don't know if I could do it again. Not well. So how do I manage to get someone to hire me?! No clue. Man do I feel unemployable.

Chocolate

I'm feeling low. It's cold and miserable outside, my knees are screaming at me for making them do so many sets of stairs and January is looming like a great dark cloud over me.

January is the three year anniversary of being laid-off, the last time I worked a real, full-time job. I've worked a bit of part-time retail here and there, but that's it. I don't consider the retail work, "real" jobs. They don't pay enough to keep a dog alive, never mind an adult human. I really regret working the retail in fact. If it wasn't for that, I may still have half-way decent feet. Instead mine are a fucking mess and it's directly a result of working retail. But it's January that looms. Three years in a long time.

I feel so useless; so utterly hopeless. Who's going to hire me with a three year gap in my resume?! Even if the economy wasn't shaky, that's damn odd. But I can't change it. I haven't worked in three years. And I feel fucking useless. Totally and completely fucked. I couldn't even get a job as a secretary. I've tried. No one was interested. No one but PT retail has shown any interest in three fucking years, and the only reason they were interested is because they are desperate for employees. Turnover rates in retail are high - the work is hell and the pay is crap.

I know what I want to do. I know what my dream job would be. And I know there isn't a fucking hope in hell I'll ever get the chance to do it. I don't feel qualified. I know, with a little training I could do it with ease, it's what I'm good at. But I don't even know if the job truly exists.... most people I know that have or have had that kind of job are not only the 'architect', but the 'builder' as well. I'm not technical enough for that. I couldn't build software to save my life. I am not a programmer. I doubt I'll ever be. I don't have the education, or the inclination. I'm not good with languages of any kind damnit. But I'm pretty good with people, and I'm good with documents. Hell, I'm even not bad ad debugging. But writing code? No, I can't do that. Perhaps someday, but it's honestly not likely. So I don't see how I'm going to make it as a business analyst.

Perhaps I should just give up, and try becoming... what? what can I do?! Secretary work?? I don't know if I could do that again. Too many memories of my coworkers and boss laughing at me fill my head when I think of that. I still haven't gotten over that. I don't know as I ever will.

Here I am moaning, when I meant to not think about all this. But I guess some things just can't be silenced. It weighs on me. I just don't know what to do. I feel so utterly hopeless, useless, and helpless to make any change or difference in my circumstances.

So much for having a degree. Useless fucking piece of paper. :(

Anyway. Better thoughts. There's fuck all I can do about it right now. I'm only going to make myself more upset thinking about it.

Chocolate. Did I write about Valentines day this year?? I really can't remember if I did. Chris bought me chocolates. He took me to this posh little place in Yorkville where he'd gotten me chocolate the Christmas before last. Yes, it was that good that I'd remembered and asked him to take me there again and again. I think he was saving it for Valentines day. I'm not big on the holiday, but I am big on chocolate. Ooo, what pretty things they have! And having tasted their chocolate bars I was eager to taste them. So eager I scarfed one down before I even thought to take a picture of the pretty chocolates when I got them home!



I then re-wrapped their box, so I could have a record of just how pretty they were wrapped. The gold box was very sturdy, and oh so pretty. The ribbon even has their name on it. Real ribbon. Not that fake plastic stuff. We did get them in Yorkville afterall. heh.



How pretty is that? And they were good too, I should add, the chocolates, that is. So yummy. The ones with the stripes had a vaugely limed flavour, they were refreshing. The ones with the coffee bean imprints had a bit of coffee flavour. I can't for the life of me remember what the ones with the round, uplifted circle on the tops were. I think the ones with the "the" written on them (only one is left in the picture above as I started with that one), was my favourite. Pure, sweet, but not too sweet, yummy chocolatey goodness, if I recall correctly. I enjoyed them though, that's for sure. It was the force of will alone that stopped me from eating them all that day. I could have, but those little buggers were expensive! woo.

Note Chris, since you're the only one that reads this, when you do read this, please don't think this is my 'subtle' way of asking for more. I just wanted a happy memory to push out the not at all happy one is all. Love you!

Dread

I'm really dreading going back to that place (mentioned below). I do not want to face that woman again. She crushed me. Although I think her expectatins are totally fucked up, I'm still feeling shitty and vulnerable, and she's going to make me feel worse. It's her gift.

I spent all last night beating myself up for being useless for two and a half years, I really don't need her help making myself feel worse.

I couldn't escape it, even in sleep. I just dreampt horrible, embarrassing/belittling things. I couldn't help it. I just kept thinking about how I was fired. How I should have seen it coming. How I've not been able to find any kind of decent employment since. I feel like an utter failure, professionaly.

I do not need that woman feeding my negativity. But she's so fucking condescending. The look she gave me when I told her the lowest salary I would accept, the lowest I could live on independantly. She looked so incredulous. How dare I think I could get that much. What. The. Fuck. Honestly now. I used to make the equivalent of $16/hr; I was paid a salary like the university graduate I am. From what I can tell, that's pretty standard for administrative assistant types. But I'm aiming way too high to even think I could get that kind of work?!

I do not want to talk to her again. She makes me angry. But in person I'm afraid she's just going to make me feel miserable, hopeless and useless again. I don't need that! I can do that all for myself thank-you-very-much.

I was looking for help, and instead I got the destroyer-of-hope. Gr.

I'm supposed to be going to an interview workshop there today. I really really don't want to go. But I guess I will. I feel like I have to. I may never go back there, however.

I have no 'game face'. I don't know how to wear a mask and pretend I'm someone and something I'm not. I don't have that kind of armour anymore. I don't know how to just shrug off her condescenion or her hope-crushing skills. I know she's wrong, but it still cuts like a knife. I have so little self-confidence as it is. *sigh* I don't need her feeding my worst nightmares!

One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back

So I went to see a Career Counsellor today. I won't say where; I don't want to deal with a Slander law-suit. But I will say this, I find their name very ironic. I went in with some hope, looking to be made more hopeful, and came out completely crushed.

Apparently the best I can hope for is $10/hr doing secretarial work. But only if I'm really, really, really lucky!

What. The. Fuck.

According the the counsellor, it doesn't matter that I have a degree, because so many other job searchers have degrees too, AND lots of experience in the fields/positions I would be/am applying for.

The economy's tanked, and I'm fucked. That's what she told me.

The only thing she seemed even vaguely hopeful about was when I mentioned going back to school - but only if it was for the "right" thing. Gods fucking knows what that is; maybe she does too, but she sure as hell wasn't telling me. *sigh* I personally think the only reason she was excited about that option was because it meant she wouldn't have to help me find a job. :(

I'm so utterly hopeless now. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. That's actually all I have been doing since I got home - crying. I can't help it. I'm crushed.

I really have a hard time believing it though. All I'm good for is fucking secretarial work and call centres?! Seriously?! That's the best I can hope for?!?!

What. The. Fuck. Honestly, now.

*sigh*

Maybe I should go back to school... For... something... But, how the hell am I supposed to afford that?! I can't even afford to live at this point. I'm relaying on the kindness of others... Chris, my parents, just to get by. School would mean years more unemployed and needing their help. It's totally unfair to them. I can't expect them to agree to that... Hell, I don't even know if they could.

*sigh*

I am so fucked.

I don't know if I can deal with this.






A secretary?!?! Honestly?! I have a fucking engineering degree, but that's all I can hope for?! Are my expectations messed up or hers? At this point, frankly, I'm learning towards hers.

FAIL

I'm a sad, frustated fuck-up. And that's really all I should probably say....

I had this big long rant prepared, but I don't see what good will be served by me sharing it.

I've alreadly fucked up. Over and over it seems. :( He's formed his opinion and I know it's eating him up inside. I can't seem to change it, every time I try I fail miserably.

What can I say? I'm broken, and I don't know how to fix me....

*sigh*

I seam to fuck up every good thing I have.....

It's times like these I really just want to crawl in a hole and hide. Only, I don't want to crawl in a hole and hide. I want a better fucking answer. I just really hate when everyone tells me what to do, tells me I'm only allowed one path. Why? Why can't I choose for myself? Why are my choices 'wrong'? Why are they 'beneath me'? Why aren't they fucking good enough?!

I just want a job I don't hate, that pays the bills, that doesn't bring me to tears every night and make me sick with stress. Why isn't that good enough?! It sounds like heaven from here.

Truth Time

I'm hopeless. I mean that literally -- I've lost all hope.

I don't see the point in trying, I know I should, and I feel guilty about not trying, it eats me up, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It's not just the lack of hope. There's lots of fear involved. I know I'll get overwhelmed. I always so. I just end up feeling useless, and powerless, and trapped. I don't want to go through that. I.. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know nothing good will come of it. I'm convinced at this point. So why torture myself? No matter how hard I try, no matter what 'game face' I put on, it's all pointless.

You see? I'm hopeless.

I wish I knew how to overcome this. I wish I was stronger, braver, something... But I'm not. I'm just me - a broken down mess.

You know, I'm not even sure at this point that I could hold down a full time job. I'm so flipping broken. Right now I get allergy shots every month, from the RN at my Doctor's office, in Hamilton. I'm not even sure how I'd be able to work that out with any kind of job. But that's not all. I'm broken. I can't walk or stand for any real length of time. So any job that requires me to be on my feet, I physically can no longer do. I have some kind of nerve bundle in my foot, and eventually I'll need to go see a specialist about that.. Gods know what kind of treatment that will require. I have chronic headaches, of varying kinds it seems. Incurable, so far untreatable. The pain is debilitating. I wish it was seen as an actual disability, perhaps then I could get government help in supporting myself, or finding a job....equal opportunity and all that. Right now it's just a major deterrent for anyone employing me or keeping me on. I'm quite sure it had a major role in my dismissal from my only real job.

*sigh*

The only reason I'm not totally and completely screwed right now is that my darling, darling man has decided to take care of me. I really don't feel like I deserve it. I'm a bad 'housewife', and he deserves better regardless. Right now I don't feel like I can do this for much longer; the guilt is eating me up. He's just too good to me; I don't deserve it. I feel like I should move back in with my parents, in a way... Somehow I think I'd feel less guilty about them taking care of me... Even though, not being here with Chris would be hard, really really hard... I'd miss him like crazy... And I know he'd miss me and... Gah... I just don't know what to do.... *sigh*

And Life Goes On

Middle of August I think it was, I started working retail again. Part time of course. Truthfully, I really don't think I could take more than 3 6 hour shifts a week. I'm SO fucking sore. My feet are just killing me. Even my ancles and knees are starting to ache and give out. I am just not suited to retail hell in any way shape or form.

It's really sad in a way. Since it's the only job I've been able to get. I may have an education, but it's really not helped me thus far in finding a job of any kind. I'm sure sure they didn't hire me for my retail gig becuase I have a degree. *sigh*

What really sucks is I have absolutley no one I can talk to about this. I just... I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped and so fucking useless. Every time I try to talk to Chris about it he just gets mad and me and yells at me for half an hour, or worse, if we aren't in person, he'll just blow up at me and go offline. Yay. Way to make me feel about this ---------> <--------- big!

So I can't talk to him. And I don't know who else I can talk to. I don't really know any of my knew friends in Toronto well enough to talk to them about this shit. And.. well... of my other friends that I'd be willing to talk to about it, they never have any time for me. :(

I just. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. Frankly, I'm not even sure how much more of this my body can take. Even my poor hand, the one I had surgery on is aching like a fiend the past few days. It's just too much. *pout*

And the worst of it is..... Even though I don't work every day, I'm so tired from retail hell, like every day I'm dead on my feet, rather literally, that I don't have the energy to go looking for another job.

But really, since getting yelled at, and belittled, I just haven't had the...... courage to face it. I just. I feel so utterly hopeless, and so utterly overwhelmed by it all. I can't even bare to look at the automated emails I have set up with the banks.... I just.... I'm without hope. I don't feel like I have a chance in hell of anyone EVER hiring me for anything I'm actually qualified for.

*pout* Honestly, I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I know that won't solve anything, but I honestly don't feel like I'm capable of solvoing anything anyway. :( I suck. In the worst sort of way. :(

Minor Surgery

After five months of waiting to see the plastic surgeon, I finally had my appointment this last Thursday. He wasn't nearly so horrible as I thought/was worried he would be, so yay! He is very good at what he does though, and really that matters more than having a good bedside manner!

I asked about recovery - it's my biggest worry - and got a 'your milage may vary' kinda answer. Recovery can take anywhere from two weeks to two months. I'm personally hoping it's NOT two months!

It's minor surgery so it's done in his clinic, under local numbing agents, so I'll be awake. I didn't ask how long it would take, never really occured to me to ask actually... I was really only focused on recovery and what to do after. I have an instruction sheet, and they will go over everything with me when I come in for the procedure.

Since I waited five months just to see the man, I asked to book the surgery asap. I didn't want to be waiting another five months! Turns out, for once, asap, really is soon! I have an appointment for 12:45pm on Friday June 13th! That's like, not this Friday, but the one following! Crazy soon!

I won't be getting Chris' sweater finished by then, he knows and is okay with that. I'll finish it when I can. Hopefully my hand will be enough better by the fall that I can knit again!

I had to tell my new manager, on my second shift at work no less, that I had an appointment for surgery much sooner than expected and wasn't sure just how long I would be out of commision. The talk thankfully went so much better than expected! She was relieved in a way. See, she was told to hire extra help, which she did, then she was told her sales weren't good so they cut her hours, now she has people she can't actually give shifts to. One of the other girls will happily take my like one shift a week therefore. She told me to keep her posted and by the time I am ready to come back she will likley have more hours for me. I was really worried about how that talk would go, so relieved it went well!

I am still looking for other work. Better work. Work that can, you know, actually give me hours and such. I'd love a full time job. I keep applying for anything I'm remotely qualified for. Right now though, since finding out about my surgery date, I'm kinda wondering if I should still keep looking.... At least for the next few weeks. Cause like, if even by some miracle someone DID want to hire me, I'm going to soon be in no condition to do any kind of work... I think I will keep looking, but I think until at least a week after surgery - when I will have a better idea (I hope) of my recovery time, I'm going to look, but only apply if it's really something I want.

Hopeless

I have an engineering degree, and yet I'm totally unemployable.

Does anyone else see the problem here???

Wtf is wrong with me? Seriously. What??

I'm smart, I'm competent, I know how to learn, I know how to handle people, I'm a hardworker... But none of it matters. None of it makes the littlest of differences. No one wants to hire me.... Not for any kind of decent job. I can't live on PT retail for fuck's sake.

I'm beyond my wit's end..... I'm SUCH a fucking failure.

I've never felt more hopless, helpless, and useless in my entire life. What a fucking waste of space I am!

*sigh*

When I feel this overwhelmed I just want to run away from the world and hide, hide until it's all over. But it won't ever be over. I can't fix this. I can't. I'd fucking love to, but I can't. I'm fucked. Totally and completely fucked.

Kill me now. Just. Kill. Me. Now. Please.

One Step Closer!

So I had two interviews yesterday. I think they went fairly well. One was with a manager of ladies wear at The Bay on Bloor St., the other was with Crate & Barrel. Retail I know. But it's work. And at least it's not boring!

The Bay interview was my second with The Bay. The lady that interviewed me today said the lady that did so last time really liked me! So yay. And I ended up getting a job offer for PT work, which I of course took. Not sure how many hours I'm going to get or what not... We'll see. Chris and I have decided to play it by ear, easiest/smartest thing to do for right now I think.

Oh, and I mean play it by ear in terms of where I live. Obviously working in Toronto means I'll be staying here with him during the days that I work, and going home to Hamilton when I'm off. Depending how my first week or so looks I will likely ask that instead of spreading my 2-3-4 days off, if I could have a few in a row, so I can go home and stuff. Just like I did at Cotton Ginny. But at the same time, I want to work as many hours as they can give me, so we will see. I know it's only PT, so I'm really not expecting more than say 15 hours a week.... *Sigh*

I also have to give my two weeks notice at CG. It's a 'conflict of interest' or me to work both places. Not terribly sad about that. I'll miss the wonderful ladies I got to work with, but I have been trying to find work in Toronto for just months now.

Still need to keep looking though. And keep looking for full time and such, but it's definitely a step up, and a step in the right direction! I get to spend more time with my Chris... And we both want that.

Bless him, you know, the other night I was all sad, so he sat down next to me and asked what was wrong. It took a long time for me to find the words, I'm just terrile with saying the words, but he let me have that time. Patience. Patience is definitely a viture with me. When I finally told him, he was slightly releived. "I thought this was the break-up speech," he said. Dear, dear, dear man! As if I would do that! And now! I love him far far too much to ever let him go. And I told him so. I want to keep him I do. *nods*

In other news, tomorrow is mother's day, so I'm baking my mom a cake today and bringing it home with me. I sure hope she likes it! Angel food cake with strawberries, and a diet style frosting. Hopefully it will be yummy and pretty! Hopefully...

I'm sorry, I just don't care...

I'm in so much pain, I just don't care about anything. I don't have the energy to care. It's taking all I got just to sit here, just to exist. I don't have anything left for caring about anything...

There are things I know I need to do. Hell, there are even things I wanted to do. But right now I just can't bring myself to do them. I can't bring myself to do anything. The pain is all consuming, all enveloping, it makes everything, everything else look insignificant, and also, frankly, out of reach.

When you really can't care about anything it's very hard to find the energy, nah, the motivation to do them. Every task is overwhelming. Every task tests your patience. And at this point, I really don't have any patience. I don't even have the patience to read 1000 words on my favourite blog, nevermind scouring entires on a job site for something I might be able to do.

*sigh* I suck. I just really really suck.

I also wish I'd brought my muscle relaxants with me as my neck is SO incredibly stiff, damnit. Tension. That's what it is. How the fuck does one wake up with a tension headache though?! I really don't get that. I'm tense and worrying in my sleep?? Perhaps though. I had nightmares all night long. I kept making up and whimpering and falling right back into them damnit. But like.... I've been having such a lovely, and otherwise relaxing weekend! I don't get it, I just don't get it.

I guess I just can't turn the worry off. It's always there. Always. Eating away at me. heh. Just like the fucking yeast infection that hasn't fucking gone way! *grumble*grumble*grumble* But my point, worry. It eats at me. I know it does. I have no was to shut if off. The reason I'm worried isn't gone, I can't stop. I don't know how. *sigh*

I'm scared you see. Very scared. Of a lot of things I guess. Mostly, I'm scared of not having any money. What very little savings I had at the beginning of November is whittling down to nothing now. I make less money working very part time than I actually spend in a month. Sad but true. And I'm not even paying rent damnit. I suck. Only conclusion there. I suck.

I'm also scared I'll never find a decent job. It's been months now, and nothing. Ok, well one thing, I didn't realize, cause again, I suck. So now I'm worried I won't ever get another offer of any kind. I do apply. I keep applying, but still, nothing.

I'm scared. I have no money. I work maybe 10 hours a week for minimum wage. I don't make enough to even pay my meagre bills. I'm scared. I'm really scared. What the fuck am I going to do?!

And right now I'm in so much fucking pain the only thing I want to so is curl up in a ball on my bed and cry. Just cry and cry and cry until there is nothing left of me. *Sigh*

Really not productive to my predicament, but I can't fucking help it. I didn't ask for this pain! If I knew how the fuck to get rid of it, other than death, I would so do it. I would. But I don't know. I just don't. *Sigh* Again, I suck..

*pout*

Jobbery Rant

I was talking with Neda and Sabrina tonight on our little drive. We like to go for night drives. Neda drives and we all chat. This time the big topic was my getting a job at a bank.

Apparently it's really hard to get a full-time position as a teller, hell it's hard to get in as a teller at all. Lots of people want to be tellers, and most tellers are actually part-time, hoping/waiting for full-time. So even though full-time positions are posted they are very often filled internally.

So I might be able to get a part-time position as a teller in Toronto, if anything teller-wise, by the way she's talking. The trouble with that is of course, that working part time would barely pay my transportation costs, never mind saving up to move to Toronto.

One alternative they came up with was for me to get a part-time/full-time teller position here in Hamilton, then after 6 or 7 months tell them my situation had changed and that I'd like to transfer to a Toronto branch. Thing is, gods know how long the transfer would take, could be another half a year (or more!) before a position became available and they wanted me. However, working as a teller in Toronto would mean it'd very likely be that long or longer before I could afford to move anyway, seeing as so much would go to transportation costs.

Sabrina thinks I'd have a better chance getting a job as an FSR. But to have a real chance of that, at least with TD, I'd need to take the mutual funds course. That's $300 out of my pocket, plus the cost of the book I believe. On the upside, FSR's are paid more than tellers, and I don't know of any FSR that's part-time...so there are those benefits, if I managed to get a job as one. But, on the down side there is a lot of stress involved in working as an FSR. You have to sell and you have to make your goals... (frankly that part of it is really not something I'm worried about).

We discussed my moving too. I told the girls Chris wanted me to have a year's rent saved up before I moved. Personally I'd be happy with six months rent. I've never had THAT much money saved up in my entire life for pete's sake. Anyway, that's when they really got on me about how long that would take. And Sabrina chimed in with maybe that was a way for him to stall our moving in together, I dunno about that, but maybe... gods, you never know.

*sigh*

I explained how we wanted to get a one bedroom as his bachelor's was just too small for two people to live in full time. We'd kill each other, that's been our consensus on it previously anyway. Then I gave them our guesstimate of about $1200-$1300 for a one bedroom. It was starting to hit home that working part-time as a teller I'd never be able to afford rent never mind food, utilities, and personal care items. This is when I started feeling trapped. I hate that trapped feeling, helpless and trapped, I really, really hate that.

Anyway, this is when they both chimed in with, why do we have to have a one bedroom? There really isn't much difference between a bachelor's and a one bedroom, not in Toronto (their words, I wouldn't know). Why don't we just bite the bullet and live in his bachelor's for awhile, see how it goes. If we are going to kill each other we are going to do it regardless of the space. This is supposed to be the 'lovey dovey' portion of our relationship, we shouldn't be fighting, besides we will either be at work, on each other or out. Neda even suggested my coming home on the weekends to give ourselves a rest. Rather convincing argument I must say, but then I always find those two rather convincing.

They think it's crazy for me to commute to Toronto every day. The commute will be long ass for one thing, plus it will suck up most of my money. It will take forever for me to save enough to be able to move to Toronto that way. I know they are right there...

Gah. I just don't know what to do. Obviously I have to talk to Chris about it all. Well, as least the time line/living arrangement thing. I don't think he'll like the idea of living in his little apartment with me. I know he won't like the idea of me not having saved up a year's rent...

Maybe I just need to bite the bullet and realise I'm not going anywhere for a good year and plan for that?? *sigh* Meanwhile I miss him when he's not around, or rather when I'm not around him.. I guess it's just something I am going to have to steal myself to.

And in terms of jobs..now I'm even more confused than ever! I know I couldn't make it as a teller working part-time. I mean, if I commuted all the way to Toronto for part-time work I would spend my ENTIRE pay cheque every month on the commuting costs. So not practical. As much as they think I should just take whatever teller gig I can get in Toronto, and move into Chris' place when I get it, I know that won't fly with him. And fuck, it won't fly with me either. I need to be able to know I can support myself. It's different living with my parents, all I have to pay for is my food and personal expenses, and even then, in a pinch I know they'd help and have helped, and I don't have to worry/feel guilty about their helping. But I can't do that to someone else, and I won't. It would stress me out to no end and sabotage any hope of making it with him. Sabrina said I should tell them how many hours I would need minimum for the job to work for me.. But with her saying teller positions were in such high demand what kind of chance do I have of making demands on them? That doesn't seem to logically follow.

*sigh* I feel so confused. And frustrated. Really fucking frustrated. Nothing is simple and no answer actually works, gods fucking damnit.

Sabrina has really turned me off wanting to work for a bank. She's made me feel like it's going to be totally fucking impossible for me to get a job at one. Why the fuck did I want to do this in the first place? I really don't remember. *growl*

South Korea

Almost since I lost my job in January the plan has been to go to South Korea with Neda and teach English. This was her plan for when she graduated University that spring, only she was going to hold off until fall so she could spend her summer kayaking. It was everything I needed, a change, an escape, a challenge, something so totally out of my experience that I knew if I could do that, I could do anything. It would give me time to think about what it was that I really wanted to do - most contracts were a year after all. The experience would also give me the all important confidence in myself that so desperately lacked and wanted in that moment (and still do though no so desperately).

Summer soon passed, and then it was fall, we still hadn't gotten all our ducks in a row. Here it is December and we are still really no closer to being ready. In the meantime my Unemployment Insurance has run out, and I had to frantically search for some kind of work. Today is the first day of said new job. Retail. My first time. I'm a little nervous, though I think I will do fine. I'm pretty good with people and such I think, others keep telling me I am anyway!

But point: The more time that passes, the more I love my man, the more I realise I don't want to be away from him, and the more I look forward to not the journey, but the end result of the journey that was so enticing to me. It was in fact the end result that was most enticing to me. Being confident enough to think, no, to know I could do anything, and using that to find a good job. Find a job I could like, that would challenge me, in the GTA, downtown preferably, so I could move to Toronto, and start a life for myself. Hopefully with Christopher still wanting to see me, but even if he didn't I still wanted to work and move there. I rather like Toronto, or at least parts of it. The area Chris lives in is really nice, it's someplace I could see myself happily living in.

The more this mulled around in the back of my head, the more I looked forward to it, the more I wanted it. Never being the most patient person, I started feeling that I didn't want to wait a year for this to happen. Why did I have to wait a year really? Why couldn't I do this now? Click. Why couldn't I do this now??

Until very recently I wasn't sure if I could. Although I didn't get the job with Upper James Toyota that first interview taught me something very valuable: I could do it. I could do that job really well, I could do just about any job really well. I'm smart, a lot smarter than a lot of people actually. I'm personable, friendly, determined, and a damn good worker. I could be professional, I could be confident, or at least fake the hell out of it. It was actually possible. I could do this, now.

Another thing I've learned recently, very recently, was just how much my emotional health depends on being able to spend time with my man. When I got my work schedule for the first week, and I realised she had me working every other day, and that this would likely be a pattern, my brain melted, screamed at me, "no no no!". If even the though of spending a month away from him made me feel this way, albeit, a rather 'special' month, being Christmas and all, how was I going to feel spending a year away, possibly giving him up for forever? Could I do that? More, importantly, did I want to? Was it worth it? The answer was a resounding no.

I don't want it to seem like he was my reason for staying, at least not my only reason. I don't want him to feel responsible for it, and I don't want any doubt with anyone, that he was. I want no "blame" to ever some back to him for it. I love him, I really do, but if I felt going to South Korea was really something I needed to do, like I did a few months ago, I would go. I would miss him the way a fish would miss water, but I would go. Thing is, I finally figured out, it wasn't the going that drew me to the idea, it was what I wanted to get out of it. I really don't know if anything would do that for me though to be honest. I think, like with many things, I'm just going to have to fake and muddle my way through it...just like everyone else I suspect.

There was something else I wanted to say, but this entry is already wicked long, and it's almost time for me to leave for work.... So, for once, here is the very short version:

This past weekend, while Chris and I were taking a walk, he asked me if I would like, once I was settled with a job, and ready to move to Toronto, to look for a place with him. *beams* He was very sweet about it, I always thinke he is, when he's a little unsure. I almost had tears in my eyes I was so well pleased with his asking! I didn't think he liked having me around that much! Apparently he does. I said yes of course. It's something I thought of, but as a 'in the future' thing, once I'd moved to Toronto and all that. *grins* Such a practical man. He'd thought of that, wanted to skip over the living together but in two places bit. It's got me all fluttery and happy. He wants to keep me! No one's ever wanted to keep me before... Not that I've met many I've wanted to be kept by.. Ha. But yay. yay!

Yes, I'm happy, and now I have to get to work!

Is it worth it??

I went into Cotton Ginny today. Filled out some paperwork, bought some tops and a sweater for work. Spent just under $100 as I'd hoped. I start Tuesday of next week. So I do get to spend the weekend with my man. Which is good. Very needed... I likely won't get to do that again for quite awhile.

From what Lisa, my manager, told me I'd be working like every other day, Tues, Thurs, Sat.... My brain immediately said, "And I won't be able to see Chris until I've lost this job - AFTER Christmas. No! No! NOOOOOOOOOO!" I asked if there was any way I could have two days off in a row, during the week at some point, since there is no way I'm getting out of working weekends. She said she'd see what she could do. I hope I can at least get two days off in a row the week before Christmas. I really really would like to see my man. I figure I'll have to work boxing day, I'm sure there won't be any way to get out of that. *sigh* Which means I won't be able to celebrate Christmas with Chris and his family....

This of course, begs to question: how on earth am I going to get Chris' parent's Christmas gift to them?? Maybe Chris would be willing to come to Hamilton on the 23rd or something to have dinner with me, if I don't work until 9pm, and then he could take the cookies with him as he'll be seeing his parents for Christmas. If worst comes to worst I could always take GO transit to Oakville on some random day the week before Christmas and just drop them off...

I really need to find me a proper job so I can have weekends to myself. Or rather so I can spend weekends in Toronto. I think it might be time I started looking for work IN Toronto actually. That way, once I had a steady job, I could look for a place there. I'd like that. Be closer to my man. Not feel like my emotional and mental stability is being held ransom by some job.... Would be nice. And maybe, just maybe I could get that chair I've fallen in love with. ha.

Jobbery Part III

I had an interview this afternoon with the Sales Manager at Upper James Toyota. It went ok I guess. I think I was very... lack-lustre. I just can't tell if he liked me or not. I couldn't/can't get a sense for how he felt at all. He seemed impressed with the work I've done when I I answered his questions about it. He talked and talked to me about sales men and what makes a good one, and what makes sales go well or 'poopy' as he put it. I wasn't really sure why he was telling me everything he did, but I supposed it be damn helpful if I did get the job. When he asked if I had any questions, I really didn't. I couldn't think of anything. Somehow I don't think that looked good. I just felt like.. I wasn't connecting with him. I don't know. I did my best to listen with interest, and respond on the rare occasions it was warranted. The last thing I wanted to do was interrupt, that's just way rude.

At the end of the interview I told him I had a job offer from somewhere else, but I'd really like to know how things were going to pan out with Toyota before I made my decision. I asked what he thought the timeline would be for them to know. He said Ilya, the GM was off for the next few days, moving house, and wouldn't be back until Monday. He would talk to him Monday, and they would get back to me by Monday evening with whether or not they wanted to have me in for a second or third interview.

Just the way he put it when he was answering that question.. And telling me I had to look after myself. That he would fully understand if I took the other job, etc. I dunno. It just really left me with the feeling that he didn't have any intention of having me back in or recommending me to Ilya. *sigh* It just... it seemed like he didn't think I was right for the job. :(

I did get a call from Cotton Ginny, did I mention? While I was interviewing. Doh. I'm an idiot, yes I am. I was offered the job with CG though. I asked if I could get back to her. I didn't get home in time to call her back today though. She left at 4:30pm and I didn't get in until then. So I will have to try and track her down tomorrow. She should be working at Limeridge. I am gonna take the job. I can't not. I can't risk it.

We will see what happens with Toyota. I would love to work for them, I think it would be a great challenge. I think it would be something that would actually allow me to use my brain, very exciting. I think it would pay better too, and possibly be more permanent, also good. But.. I really don't know if they are actually interested. *Sigh* So if by some chance at some point they want to see me again, and want to hire me, then I'll just have to quit CG. Not the greatest way to handle it, but I really need the work right now...

On another note, I wonder if I'll be able to stay in Toronto until Monday morning... I'd like that.. More time with my man.. Yes, I really am that much of a suck.

Whirlwind!

So yesterday I emailed my resume off to a few different employers applying for positions I'd found on the Canada Job Bank. As I mentioned below, heck it was the meat of my last entry really.

Last evening I got a call back from Upper James Toyota regarding the position I'd applied for. Within like three hours of submitting it. Wow. He told me the position had changed a little bit, and talked to me about what the position would entail, briefly. He asked me about myself and why I'd applied (I really do need to get better at answering that one!). Then he asked when I could come in to have a talk with him. He suggested tomorrow (double wow), and I suggested 1pm (I figured not too early, not too late).

I ended up being about 20 minutes early, as I wasn't sure how long it would take to get there and it's always better to be early than late. Luckily he was available to see me right away. That was good. Sitting in their waiting area for twenty minutes might have been the death of me. Waiting always makes that kinda thing worse.

I think the interview went pretty well overall. He (the general manager) told me more about what the position would entail and what kind of expectations/goals he had for it. BDC is what I think he called id - Business Development Centre. He wants to create one, and for someone to be the hub. Makes sense. Sounds like and exciting challenge to me.

I did my best to be confident, calm, friendly and professional. Game face all the way. It was easier than I thought it'd be. I sure hope I came off well. I think I did. In any case, I feel I did my best, and that's all I could expect or hope for. So yay me. lol.

Over the next few days he's going to get at least three of his managers to give me a call. He wants their impressions of me, in terms of phone presence and likely generally if they feel I'd be good for the job. They'll be calling anywhere from 9am or 10am (somehow I've forgotten which he said! doh) to 6pm Friday, Saturday and/or Monday. On my cell. So game face on.

GAH. Little worried about that. I'm not too sure what my phone presence is like. Neither is he obviously. Hopefully it's not horrid. I will just have to remember to put my game face on whenever I answer my phone. I wonder if it's a good sign he wants me to talk to them, or if it's a matter of course, or a bad sign?? I think I will endeavor to believe it's just a matter of course. However it goes, I totally need to stay cool.

Jobbery

My plan for today was to canvass local retail places and give out my resume, hoping to find something seasonal/part-time. That ended up falling through, and to be honest I'm not upset/worried about it. You see, it's pouring down rain today, has been all day in fact, and will into the night and tomorrow by the looks of it. I'm sick with a cold, so going out in that isn't something I'm looking forward to.

The official reason for the delay however is that I asked Neda to print off my resume for me, as she has a laser printer and I do not. She had technically difficulties and just didn't have time to resolve them before she had to leave for work today. So no resumes. I'll call her this evening; I'm sure we can work it out. I should be all ready to canvas tomorrow, despite the bad weather (and my general foreboding).

Not wanting to do nothing on the job front today I searched the Canada Job Bank for potenial employment. I've applied for ten jobs this morning - online via email. Administrative Assistant and call centre type jobs. Wrote cover letter/emails for them all too, that was the harder/more time consuming part. I did the same thing yesterday, late last night actually, on Monster.ca, only found about 8, and applied online for them. Since it was late and I was tired/lazy I didn't bother with cover letters. Perhaps that was a mistake, but most were call centre gigs and somehow I doubt if they overly care.

I feel I've made a pretty good day's effort. So now I'm going to watch Ep 4 of Bionic Woman ( just love this show!!) and knit(I'm finally working on the collar/trim of Mr. Greenjeans!). I'm also going to try to nurse my cold, of course. I wish I wasn't so sick all the time, it's really getting annoying! More importantly it's really starting to wearing me down damnit.