Happy Holidays!

Christmas was quite this year, but went well. I got the 23rd and 24th off which meant I actually got to spend some time with my Chris, and I was able to see his parents and give them their gift. I ended up spending Christmas eve with Chris and his youngest bother Robert. I really like Chris' family. His brother is an interesting guy, and I mean that in the best way possible. One thing that truly impressed me, beside his being math geeky enough to know what a Klein Bottle is(omg!!), was that he cooks. And I don't just mean he can make simple things, I mean he can do advanced cooking. I have a feeling he's a much much better cook than I am! His cooking vocabulary far exceeds mine, that's for sure.

As y'all may know, I made cookies and chocolate truffles for Chris' parents - I've been testing recipes for the past two months almost. Chris says his mom was thrilled that I used splenda so everything was diabetic friendly (and therefore safe for her to eat). She was exceptionally glad about the truffles is seems. :D

Yay me. Finally a good gift! I'm been awfully worried about whether or not my gifts would be well recieved this year, but I think they all have been. I mean, I was ever so worried Anne wouldn't like the cookies, but she does! Yay. Mom liked her gift too! She was ever so happy I made her ten dishclothes, and that I found the Elvis CD she loves but gave away, to share that joy. She's sweet like that, but hopefully she won't do it again! I made her copies of the 2 CDs in the set, and told her I could make her more anytime she needed, all she had to do was ask. That also made her very happy, so yay me again!

Chris also loved his gift (no surprise really, I love his gift too, and so does Neda for that matter, ha). I took lots of pictures, just cause, well, I love him, the Nautiliod that is. Though I love my man too. Very very much.


Nautie all wrapped up


Nautie's face


Nautiliod, with 12 inch ruler for scale

Not only is it cool, it is serving it's purpose very well. Yay me! Ha. I made Chris a Nautiliod draft snake thingy for his balcony door, he gets a wicked draft there. It's now in place and stoping the draft rather well.

My Mother is the Most Independent Woman I know

About a month ago or so I told my mom(actually my grandmother, but she raised me so she's mom) I was thinking of buying Grandpa a snowblower for Christmas, this was before my unemployment ran out of course. I had figured I'd be able to save up enough for it and still have savings/Christmas/Korea money as, at that point I had about two grand saved. Then everything changed and there was no way for me to afford such a nice gift. *sigh*

Well, today mom, in her usual fashion says to Pa, "Why don't we go out today and get you a snowblower? I've got enough saved up for it, but I'd need you there to pick it out. Do we have enough room in the van to get it in? Is there enough room in your shed? You're getting older you know. And we are supposed to get more snow this winter than we have in 25 years. You'd have a lot of fun with it. I can just see you with it." Go mom. She had a good sales pitch, I tell you what.

I was stunned, and so was Pa! Ha. I'll think about it, he says. Yes you think about it, she said. But I know her, she's made her decision, and she wants to do it today. Well, it's a good time to do it though, we are supposed to get 25-30cm over the weekend!

The other thing is, she managed to save that money on her very fixed income AND had enough to give me some money too. Way more than I thought she would. She didn't have the money to get everyone Christmas gifts this year, what with the new bills she has, so I figured, maybe she would get me a nice pair of pjs. I know her, she's like me, I live here, there's no way she could not get me something. I cried I was so touched. I mean, she said it wasn't much, but to me it's the difference between being scared shitless about not having any money, like money for food and transit, and feeling like I can make it until I find a teller job in Toronto.

It still makes me cry because, she's so damn generous. Have I mentioned she's exactly the kind of woman I want to be when I grow up? She's my hero. Really. I never had a "Daddy" growing up, instead I got his mommy, and boys of boys did I luck out! She's been taking care of me since I was two months old, and she still is. Bless her.

On the jobbery front, I survived my 8.5 hour day, much easier than I thought. I think it was the shoes. Wore my brown hush puppies. They were wet with sweat about 4 hours in though. Ick. At least I wasn't smelling up the joint! Ha. Today I only have 4 hours, which is good, I have Christmasy things to do. Knitting and such. Still don't know what to do for Sabrina's kids. I really can't afford expensive gifts. Heck, I really can't afford gifts period.

First Day, I wish it was my last...

My feet are sooooooooooooooooo sore! They've never been this sore in my entire life! Oh my fucking god. So, so, so, so, so sore. There really aren't words.

And I only worked a 4 hour shift! Friday I have to work eight and a half hours!! I'm not going to make it... I'm just not. I'm in so much pain, and that's only after four hours.

Seriously... I don't think I can do this. I just.. I can't. $32 for four hours? For THIS much pain? It's not fucking worth it. It's just.. it's not damnit.

I want to crawl in a whole and die now.

There were good parts to my day, I did make a few sales, two were over $100 dollars, one was $250-ish even. But I just don't fucking care. I don't even care that I'm starving. I hurt too much to care about anything.

South Korea

Almost since I lost my job in January the plan has been to go to South Korea with Neda and teach English. This was her plan for when she graduated University that spring, only she was going to hold off until fall so she could spend her summer kayaking. It was everything I needed, a change, an escape, a challenge, something so totally out of my experience that I knew if I could do that, I could do anything. It would give me time to think about what it was that I really wanted to do - most contracts were a year after all. The experience would also give me the all important confidence in myself that so desperately lacked and wanted in that moment (and still do though no so desperately).

Summer soon passed, and then it was fall, we still hadn't gotten all our ducks in a row. Here it is December and we are still really no closer to being ready. In the meantime my Unemployment Insurance has run out, and I had to frantically search for some kind of work. Today is the first day of said new job. Retail. My first time. I'm a little nervous, though I think I will do fine. I'm pretty good with people and such I think, others keep telling me I am anyway!

But point: The more time that passes, the more I love my man, the more I realise I don't want to be away from him, and the more I look forward to not the journey, but the end result of the journey that was so enticing to me. It was in fact the end result that was most enticing to me. Being confident enough to think, no, to know I could do anything, and using that to find a good job. Find a job I could like, that would challenge me, in the GTA, downtown preferably, so I could move to Toronto, and start a life for myself. Hopefully with Christopher still wanting to see me, but even if he didn't I still wanted to work and move there. I rather like Toronto, or at least parts of it. The area Chris lives in is really nice, it's someplace I could see myself happily living in.

The more this mulled around in the back of my head, the more I looked forward to it, the more I wanted it. Never being the most patient person, I started feeling that I didn't want to wait a year for this to happen. Why did I have to wait a year really? Why couldn't I do this now? Click. Why couldn't I do this now??

Until very recently I wasn't sure if I could. Although I didn't get the job with Upper James Toyota that first interview taught me something very valuable: I could do it. I could do that job really well, I could do just about any job really well. I'm smart, a lot smarter than a lot of people actually. I'm personable, friendly, determined, and a damn good worker. I could be professional, I could be confident, or at least fake the hell out of it. It was actually possible. I could do this, now.

Another thing I've learned recently, very recently, was just how much my emotional health depends on being able to spend time with my man. When I got my work schedule for the first week, and I realised she had me working every other day, and that this would likely be a pattern, my brain melted, screamed at me, "no no no!". If even the though of spending a month away from him made me feel this way, albeit, a rather 'special' month, being Christmas and all, how was I going to feel spending a year away, possibly giving him up for forever? Could I do that? More, importantly, did I want to? Was it worth it? The answer was a resounding no.

I don't want it to seem like he was my reason for staying, at least not my only reason. I don't want him to feel responsible for it, and I don't want any doubt with anyone, that he was. I want no "blame" to ever some back to him for it. I love him, I really do, but if I felt going to South Korea was really something I needed to do, like I did a few months ago, I would go. I would miss him the way a fish would miss water, but I would go. Thing is, I finally figured out, it wasn't the going that drew me to the idea, it was what I wanted to get out of it. I really don't know if anything would do that for me though to be honest. I think, like with many things, I'm just going to have to fake and muddle my way through it...just like everyone else I suspect.

There was something else I wanted to say, but this entry is already wicked long, and it's almost time for me to leave for work.... So, for once, here is the very short version:

This past weekend, while Chris and I were taking a walk, he asked me if I would like, once I was settled with a job, and ready to move to Toronto, to look for a place with him. *beams* He was very sweet about it, I always thinke he is, when he's a little unsure. I almost had tears in my eyes I was so well pleased with his asking! I didn't think he liked having me around that much! Apparently he does. I said yes of course. It's something I thought of, but as a 'in the future' thing, once I'd moved to Toronto and all that. *grins* Such a practical man. He'd thought of that, wanted to skip over the living together but in two places bit. It's got me all fluttery and happy. He wants to keep me! No one's ever wanted to keep me before... Not that I've met many I've wanted to be kept by.. Ha. But yay. yay!

Yes, I'm happy, and now I have to get to work!

Is it worth it??

I went into Cotton Ginny today. Filled out some paperwork, bought some tops and a sweater for work. Spent just under $100 as I'd hoped. I start Tuesday of next week. So I do get to spend the weekend with my man. Which is good. Very needed... I likely won't get to do that again for quite awhile.

From what Lisa, my manager, told me I'd be working like every other day, Tues, Thurs, Sat.... My brain immediately said, "And I won't be able to see Chris until I've lost this job - AFTER Christmas. No! No! NOOOOOOOOOO!" I asked if there was any way I could have two days off in a row, during the week at some point, since there is no way I'm getting out of working weekends. She said she'd see what she could do. I hope I can at least get two days off in a row the week before Christmas. I really really would like to see my man. I figure I'll have to work boxing day, I'm sure there won't be any way to get out of that. *sigh* Which means I won't be able to celebrate Christmas with Chris and his family....

This of course, begs to question: how on earth am I going to get Chris' parent's Christmas gift to them?? Maybe Chris would be willing to come to Hamilton on the 23rd or something to have dinner with me, if I don't work until 9pm, and then he could take the cookies with him as he'll be seeing his parents for Christmas. If worst comes to worst I could always take GO transit to Oakville on some random day the week before Christmas and just drop them off...

I really need to find me a proper job so I can have weekends to myself. Or rather so I can spend weekends in Toronto. I think it might be time I started looking for work IN Toronto actually. That way, once I had a steady job, I could look for a place there. I'd like that. Be closer to my man. Not feel like my emotional and mental stability is being held ransom by some job.... Would be nice. And maybe, just maybe I could get that chair I've fallen in love with. ha.